I have been poor my entire life. My parents never went to college. My dad joined the army right after high school and after that he spent his entire life as a welder making shit money. My mom has been working in a cafeteria in a nursing home for ten years. Before that she worked at a drugstore. Before that a liquor store. They both have horrible credit and can't afford to buy me anything. I work my ass off and I'm trying so hard to finish college and make it out of poverty but I just don't know if I have it in me anymore. If I graduate from college I'll be the first person in my family to have earned a degree.
Every day I wake up in this disgusting old ugly house and I see my parents who don't even bother to take care of themselves and it makes me feel physically sick. My dad does nothing but chain smoke cigarettes all day, drink beer, and watch crime shows. My mom is so overweight that the bones in her legs are starting to go crooked and she hobbles around like she is disabled, going from the kitchen to the living room, eating shit food and sleeping in a big armchair. I try to get them to be healthy and they just don't care. They get grocery money and buy a bunch of bullshit - nothing but chips, cookies, soda, and fried foods. My little brother is so overweight that he is prediabetic now. We don't even eat unless we have ebt money. I make more money than the both of them waiting tables at the restaurant I work at and I don't even make much money. Most of the money I make goes to them to help put food on the table and keep the electricity on. I don't even have a car, I can't get around anywhere.
I want more than this. My family disgusts me. I'm so embarrassed of them. I hate bringing people over to my house - this crappy house that we rent that has bird shit all over the porch and mice problems. I hate for people to see my mom and how badly she's let herself go. I hate for people to see my 300 pound little brother and how his weight is obviously a result of the shitty food his parents are giving him. I hate that when my friends talk about how they're going on vacation with their families I can't relate because we can barely afford to get a rental car to drive my little brother to college next month.
I feel like I've been cheated out of life. I didn't ask to be here, none of my siblings did. Why did they even have us if they knew they couldn't take care of us? Now I'm stuck with this shitty life and this shitty family. I can't take it anymore. I would rather be dead than go another day watching my mother slowly deteriorate because of her shitty choices, and watching my father open the empty refrigerator to grab the beer he decided to spend his money on instead.
My little brother and I are our families last hope. If I don't graduate and get a job or if he doesn't, all four of my mothers children will be failures that will have amounted to absolutely nothing. None of us will be able to afford to care for them when they start to die. None of them have retirement plans. They have nothing but us. I just want to enjoy my 20s. I just want to make friends and not feel like I'm trash because of how poor I am. I want to be able to bring my family to social gatherings with my friends families but I just can't. I always have to make excuses for them and why they can't come. Truth is they have no money to do anything and they don't have clothes to go out in.
I don't want this life. I wish my mother had aborted me.
Submitted June 25, 2015 at 09:59AM by puddingpopp http://ift.tt/1FCnZGE offmychest
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