My girlfriend and I have talked about moving in together for a few months, and are starting to take it seriously. Our relationship has been dominated by spending time at her house. She bought a house shortly after we met, so a lot of our first weekends together were spent painting and doing projects around her house. The amount of time we spent there kind of continued because she has a more demanding job, so she often wants to just go home and hang out at the end of the day. She also has a dog, so we gravitated that way for animal care too. We don't live very far apart, about a 15 minute drive. But the travel is almost 100% me. It's to the point where she's been to my house less than 3 times per month in our year-long relationship, and I've been to her house 3 or 4 times a week. That's not a huge deal to me. I don't work many hours, and it's a easier for me to meet her there.
We are both very independent people. In our late 20's, this is the first real serious relationship either of us has been in. We're both used to having our own space and we do a good job of giving each other space when we need it. Hence why we both own houses and don't have roommates. I have spent a week at a time at her house here and there to see how we would do living together. Those times have all gone really well.
She is very unhappy with her current job, and plans on leaving in July. She has already started classes towards the new degree she wants, and I'm super-supportive because I know how much she hates her current job. We've talked about moving in together for a few months because we're in love and want to spend time together. We started actually figuring out logistics about moving in together the past week because her job is coming to an end. It's not a necessity, she made very good money and has a lot in savings, but we would both like to live together!
After stepping back and looking at it logically, it makes a LOT more sense to move into my house due to equity, size, yard, location, etc. We would save $16,000 while she's going to school if she moved in here over me moving to her house (about 3 years). She started coming to terms with this today. That realization is going poorly so far. She came by after work today for the first time in a while to check out my place, and look at where her space would be. She is going to have 1 bedroom, and we're going to share the 2nd bedroom as an office. (Yes we share a bed the majority of the time, but not if one has to get up way earlier than the other or I'm snoring too bad). I'm fixing up the rooms right now, and painting them the color she wants, and I'm going to put in the flooring and trim she wants. She'll have both room's closet's free for her stuff as well. She is also going to have a recently-update bathroom to herself. I have enough space that the living room will be her TV, entertainment center, couch, and end tables. Mine will be moved to the currently empty family room. She will also get the garage parking spot, because I love her and don't want her car to be cold in the morning when she gets in it!
She's nervous because of a few main reasons: laundry in the garage, and the kitchen is out-dated. But what she's really worried about is that it isn't going to be "her house". I'm trying to do my best to make it feel like "our house", which she appreciates but it obviously isn't the same. We communicate really well and she told me her base fears are that she has worked hard for her stuff (including house) and she doesn't want to lose it. I agree - she is from a town of 1,000 people and the first of her family to graduate college, let alone move across the country and get a job making a lot of money. She has busted her ass, and considers it 'failing' if she lost everything and had to move home. I believe her when she says those are her real fears. If something were to happen and end our relationship she may be forced to move home (though I seriously doubt it).
The problem is that those fears are manifesting into her crying because of little things - AKA she just bought an IKEA cabinet a few weeks ago and now isn't going to be able to hang it in her laundry room now if she moves in with me. My house has considerably more road noise than hers does, and she is validly worried about that too. When she got home tonight, she called and told me the dimensions of her fridge - it's not going to fit in my kitchen. That lead to more crying. Her fridge is new, and wayyyy nicer than mine. She doesn't want to leave it, and I agree, I'd rather use her fridge too. But that's something I can live with, because I want to live with her and I don't care what our refrigerator looks like as long as it works.
I'm nervous these fears are going to lead to a bad long-term financial decision. She says she still wants to move in, but she is saying that through teary eyes. It's is killing me, I don't want to see her like this. I'm already more than happy to let her "nest" and paint and put stuff on the walls, etc. but it feels like it's not enough.
I'm hoping for advice from people who have been here, or have a grasp on our perspective. What else can I do to make her feel more comfortable? What am I missing here? Should I say screw money and move in with her?
tl;dr: GF and I are planning on moving in together, my house makes more financial sense but she doesn't really want to move in to my house. How can I make her feel more comfortable?
Submitted February 03, 2017 at 12:07PM by thraway128 http://ift.tt/2kz7TP2 relationships
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