I recently went through a surgery to get my appendix removed because of a subtle appendicitis. It was on december 4th, and because of the pain caused by the stitches underneath my skin, I couldn’t masturbate for one week, and after that one week, I felt so good and happy that I went for another week just because yes, and then I watched some weird porn and I felt guilty and called my girlfriend to apologize.
It hasn't been too long since I started feeling guilty right after watching porn and finishing alone in front of my computer. When my girlfriend and I were on the beginning of our relationship, about 8 months ago, we had a talk about masturbation because of a movie we watched together. Cliché comedy movie scene. The boy gets caught masturbating. She told me it was alright if I masturbated to internet porn and I felt relieved, because watching porn was how I would go to sleep because of insomnia for example, it was how most of my showers ended, how I would calm myself when I couldn’t focus while writing a paper for school, it was how I “solved” my worries the day I couldn’t ejaculate while having sex with my loved one.
That day was the first day I wondered why, a 20 year-old guy like me, would not ejaculate while having sex with his first ever sexual partner. My first thoughts were that maybe I didn’t have enough “milk in the fridge”, and I googled for solutions. Solutions: I bought cotton boxer shorts and got rid of my old tight underwears (because maybe my refrigerator was too hot). I bought some vitamins because I read it was good for men wanting to have babies (even though I don’t want any babies for at least eight years).
Then I thought I was just getting paranoid and it was good for me and for her that I take more time to finish. It was only when I noticed the bored look on my SO one night waiting for me to deliver but I couldn’t. That same night I went home, I opened pornhub on my phone and I solved myself in less than three minutes. That moment was the first time I noticed how wrong it was, that my body anwers to porn better than to a naked woman.
I became conscious of what I was looking for on porn sites. I went for very weird stuff, from my new point of view. Even stuff that didn’t correspond to my sexual orientation. It was just that nothing was sufficient for me. Even my SO could become easily boring. Solution: live random webcam chats with strangers.
I’m not a cheater, but I felt like one. Even though they were porn actresses or someone from the other side of the globe. I was cheating and creating an unhealthy habit for myself, but I didn’t know if that was wrong. Maybe I was addicted to sex, but not the real kind.
After losing my appendix, on my post-operation recovery days, I couldn’t fap. I tried. I just couldn’t. It hurted as hell. So I spent one week, no fapping, not having sex, just with my bande-dessinée on my lap. Not porn, just a graphic novel. I remember talking to my girlfriend about not playing alone, and I wasn’t mad at all, I was a little proud of me (and charmingly shaking my eyebrows inviting my prey for a hot moment). The beginning was difficult. I was depressed. I thought it was because I was stuck in bed, but actually it was because I couldn’t do what I wanted to do with my phone. I wanted to drop my pants.
After one week, I wasn’t feeling pain anymore. But I didn’t want to masturbate. I felt better. I knew it was because I wasn't watching porn. I just didn’t know it could have a connection. I thought it was silly stuff, no more than a belief.
I had an important person coming to visit me. I’m not proud to say that that was the first time, after 9 months of relationship, I really enjoyed sex. Even watching television was better. I even turned in a big part of my papers to my professor. But after that day, I went for porn, and I ruined everything. I felt bad that day, but the next day I went for porn again, and felt bad again. I had(have) a problem.
I googled again for solutions. Solution: a subreddit with hundreds of guys willing to do what I couldn’t. I want to stop. Get my life together. Love better. I want to not have to deal with anxiety. And starting today, January 1st, is my New Year’s Resolution. And I know I’ll have that glow back from the time I was in bed. I don’t have to go through another surgery to stop it. I have the power, I just have to build the courage.
I admire you guys.
Submitted January 01, 2016 at 03:04PM by Eusoumarcos http://ift.tt/1TtexhY NoFap
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