| 33046 |
/u/jgam7 |
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super rad if you don't know what either of those things are. |
| 14310 |
/u/HansOlavLee |
The object of golf is to play the least amout of golf. |
| 13066 |
/u/kellenbrent |
April Fool's Day is the one day of the year when people critically evaluate news articles before accepting them as true. |
| 12404 |
/u/unfinished_usernam |
I have never once hit the space bar while watching a YouTube video with the intention of scrolling halfway down the page |
| 11792 |
/u/The_JayMo |
Last night my friend asked to use a USB port to charge his cigarette, but I was using it to charge my book. The future is stupid. |
| 11490 |
/u/firstrival |
Websites should post their password requirements on their login pages so I can remember WTF I needed to do to my normal password to make it work on their site |
| 10808 |
/u/Eye_Decay |
There should be confetti in tires so when there is a blow out it's still kind of an okay day |
| 9818 |
/u/ThisisGolems |
Senior citizen discounts should just round dollar amounts down so we don't have to wait in line behind them while they dig for change. |
| 9721 |
/u/anonymoos_user |
In the future, imagine how many Go-Pros will be found in snow mountains containing the last moments of peoples lives. |
| 9190 |
/u/MKLV |
Of all the bodily functions that could be contagious, thank god it's the yawn. |
| 9178 |
/u/electrovert |
There should be an app like tinder but for jobs. Like hey you have 42 jobs that meet your qualifications near you. Then the company can swipe left for awful applications. |
| 9136 |
/u/Throw13579 |
Your dog doesn't know you can make mistakes. When you trip over him in the dark, he thinks you got up just to kick him in the head. |
| 8804 |
/u/specialservices |
If Leonardo Dicaprio ever wins an Oscar, he should pull out a dusty piece of paper and do an acceptance speech as if it's from 1993 |
| 8375 |
/u/veritate_valeo |
I used hola unblocker to watch Argo on the Canadian Netflix. I was an American who had to pretend to be Canadian to watch a movie about Americans who have to pretend to be Canadians making a movie. |
| 8365 |
/u/CornerDealie |
Now that cellphones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again. |
| 8279 |
/u/halohitz |
Almost every hand I've ever shaken has had a dick in it. |
| 8152 |
/u/Air_Hellair |
"DO NOT TOUCH" would probably be a really unsettling thing to read in braille. |
| 7997 |
/u/TheAbjectLol |
Maybe if we announce that Buzzfeed's shutting down, Buzzfeed will announce that it's shutting down. |
| 7855 |
/u/Have_One |
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is? |
| 7775 |
/u/iftherewasanotherway |
If you swap the spinach for beer, then any episode of Popeye becomes a bitter story of a raging alcoholic, right down to the speech impediment and tendency to fight people who he believes are trying to steal "his girl" |
| 7750 |
/u/ComicSansIsAwsome |
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating. |
| 7749 |
/u/papertank17 |
The best item to protect you from sasquatch attacks is a camera. |
| 7646 |
/u/JohannesP |
Becoming an adult feels like slowly being put into a managerial position you didn't really want |
| 7602 |
/u/mrmoo524 |
There should by a gym where the membership fee is extremely high at the beginning of the month but you earn money back for every day you end up going and working out for at least an hour. |
| 7594 |
/u/bmg1001 |
We should have a holiday called Space Day, where lights are to be shut off for at least an hour at night to reduce light pollution, so we can see the galaxy. |
| 7571 |
/u/rsahk |
Netflix is like a refrigerator full of food but with nothing I want to eat. |
| 7475 |
/u/positivemark |
My 18 month daughter has reached the intelligence level of The Sims. She can move around, clap at random things and make garbage sounds but everything else we have to direct her to do. |
| 7473 |
/u/Brinner |
Bushing your teeth is the only time you clean your skeleton |
| 7422 |
/u/Cosmo_120 |
Making fun of a fat person at the gym is like making fun of a homeless person at a job fair. |
| 7416 |
/u/makeitrayne |
My debit card pays for things with past hours of my life, and my credit card pays with future hours of my life. |
| 7379 |
/u/Dewut |
Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl got really lucky when they named their son Dash as they had no way of knowing he'd have super speed as a superpower. |
| 7351 |
/u/gridster2 |
If Goldilocks tried three beds, then Momma Bear and Daddy Bear slept seperately. Baby Bear is probably the only thing keeping the family together. |
| 7319 |
/u/MrCSquared |
Dogs probably destroy shoes because they see humans put them on before they leave the house. |
| 7273 |
/u/Arpeggi42 |
If colleges really want to prepare high school students for today's job market then they should only accept students who have "at least 2-3 years college experience". |
| 7168 |
/u/LatherMeInPoo |
Vampires only suck your blood for Vitamin D because they can't go out in the sun themselves. |
| 7148 |
/u/InconspicuousD |
I read through /r/nosleep yesterday and realized that terrible things only happen to people with excellent storytelling skills. |
| 7121 |
/u/Sexymcsexalot |
No 'how I made a million dollars' books include the author starting their journey to wealth by reading a book about how to make a million dollars. |
| 7099 |
/u/MisterBadIdea2 |
You can tell that the Flintstones lived a very long time ago because they're a single-income working class family with their own house. |
| 6951 |
/u/RoninK |
Facebook is ubiquitous, but has a reputation for low-quality content. It's become the Walmart of social media. |
| 6913 |
/u/Nabrokovian |
A bed is a shelf for your body when you are not using it. |
| 6851 |
/u/Khromulabobulation |
My activities on the internet are basically the same things I would do if I were a ghost: Listen in on people's conversations, spy on people having sex, and watch whatever movies and concerts I want for free. |
| 6825 |
/u/foresstguy |
I turned 18 a half hour ago, I've spent 100% of my adult life on reddit. |
| 6817 |
/u/swallowing_panda |
Everyday, someone on Earth unknowingly does the biggest poo in the world for that day. |
| 6815 |
/u/depressingcarrot |
every cell in my body knows how to replicate DNA yet I'm not in on it so I have to spend hours studying it |
| 6786 |
/u/xixi2 |
Facebook shares are just the new "Fw: Fw: fw: Fw: Fw:" of stupid images and jokes |
| 6709 |
/u/NumberZtv |
"He died doing what he loved" would be a horrible thing to say at a drug addicts funeral. |
| 6690 |
/u/chrono1465 |
Having a toddler is like being on a permanent escort mission: A low AI character tries to follow you around, and if you're not careful enough, they'll find a way to kill themselves. |
| 6671 |
/u/ChefBoyarE |
Dora calls herself an "explorer," but travels exclusively through mapped territories |
| 6624 |
/u/throwpillo |
Cowboys that ride off into the sunset quickly run out of daylight and have to camp just outside of town. Probably should've just stayed put for the night instead of being all dramatic. |
| 6560 |
/u/Fatchine |
I used to set up a SINGLE song downloading on limewire OVERNIGHT and bask in the glory of it the next day, now if I click a gif link that doesn't load within a couple of seconds I cancel it and move on. |
| 6548 |
/u/WADERMELON |
If people who hate minions subscribe to /r/MinionHate, it fills their front page with even more minions. |
| 6543 |
/u/kirk_is_ |
That Google Chrome "what tab is being noisy?" speaker icon should function as a mute button. |
| 6541 |
/u/youstinkbitch |
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child |
| 6515 |
/u/Offjacker |
Porn sites should enable sorting by the number of people who left the website after watching the video |
| 6451 |
/u/salvisa |
You should be able to yell "BE RIGHT THERE" to your phone and since it knows you're coming, it gives you a few extra rings before sending the user to voicemail. |
| 6433 |
/u/flipmosquad |
Cellphones should have 2 passwords for unlock, one which would be for you and unrestricted.. the other would be for you parents/friends that wouldn't show awkward applications/photos |
| 6404 |
/u/GhostOfPluto |
Coming from a big family, I don't know what is more sad - That one of us will have to go to seven funerals, or that one of us won't have to go to any. |
| 6400 |
/u/producerdan |
You know you're an adult when your house makes noises and you're scared it's an expensive repair bill and not a monster. |
| 6373 |
/u/Frustratinglyshortna |
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it. |
| 6346 |
/u/iZacAsimov |
I don't get why people are upset we haven't invented hover-boards by 2015 when according to the same movie, we should've had a time machine back in in 1985. |
| 6299 |
/u/Champs27 |
Because telescopes work using mirrors, we'll never know if there are any space vampires. |
| 6299 |
/u/SinisterKid |
I drive safer when there's food on my passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there. |
| 6281 |
/u/Jayfeather69 |
To the dinosaurs, we live in a post-apocalyptic future. |
| 6230 |
/u/BaronVonTittySlapper |
All males strive to "be the man" while avoiding "being that guy". |
| 6227 |
/u/TheShamz |
When I was a younger person I had to use the Oxford dictionary to understand adult words and now that I'm an adult I have to use urban dictionary to understand younger people words. |
| 6226 |
/u/chp2001 |
Adblock should buy out signs around time square and replace them with "This ad has been blocked by Adblock" |
| 6211 |
/u/HolloH |
We use sex to sell everything. We arrest those who buy and sell actual sex. |
| 6182 |
/u/KidMemphis_IV |
Bruce Wayne's parents being murdered was the best thing that ever happened to Gotham |
| 6173 |
/u/peacesreese |
Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day's worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I'm working. |
| 6145 |
/u/credible_hulk |
I spent my early 20's trying to get new games to play on old computers and I spent my late 30's trying to get old games to play on new computers |
| 6141 |
/u/BrandonThe |
As a bald, hairy man, I should probably shampoo my body and use body wash soap on my head. |
| 6139 |
/u/SPESSMEHRINE |
If two pregnant women get into a fist fight, it's like a mech battle between two fetuses. |
| 6124 |
/u/firkin_slang_whanger |
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not. |
| 6113 |
/u/ShaolinMaster |
We need a Boy Scouts for adult men. I'd love to go camping, hunting, & fishing and learn about nature with like-minded individuals. |
| 6103 |
/u/aclayhutchings |
Art is how we decorate space; music is how we decorate time. |
| 6101 |
/u/Dirtyuniform |
I spent seven hours vividly hallucinating then I woke up and ate the meat of other animals for energy, now i'm going to do something I don't want to for eight hours for pieces of paper. |
| 6087 |
/u/Zwall_ |
Your future self is watching you right now through memories. |
| 6061 |
/u/Stabler86 |
I'm bored when I listen to a song from my personal music library, but when it's played on the radio I get excited like it's the greatest song ever. |
| 6040 |
/u/lolexplode |
At age 30, you've spent a month having birthdays. |
| 6036 |
/u/nXanadu |
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced--and yet I'd still be using the same box of Q-tips. |
| 6036 |
/u/gouldsplosions |
There should be a website where you can sign up and swap your Halloween costume with another person every year to save yourself money. |
| 6011 |
/u/oaktownraider13 |
"I sold an hour of my life for $13" doesn't sound nearly as good as "I make $13/hour." |
| 5994 |
/u/TurkeyTurrds |
Reddit is the only place where I've learnt to not trust the article headlines and instead expect a stranger in the comments to tell me the truth |
| 5985 |
/u/Sac_Man10 |
The missing Malaysia flight 370 is exactly what the show "Lost" would've looked like from the rest of the world's POV. |
| 5943 |
/u/KoreTen |
It's hard to win an argument with a smart person, but it's damn near impossible to win an argument with a stupid person. |
| 5933 |
/u/hseidema |
Nothing says "top of the food chain" like squid-ink calamari pasta: you're eating another animal, and seasoning it with its defense mechanism. |
| 5913 |
/u/afkurzz |
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions is an affirmation of how unoriginal all my problems are. |
| 5909 |
/u/Old2blue |
I am more responsible with the resources I have in video games than I am with the resources I have in real life. |
| 5908 |
/u/eaglesforlife |
Facebook's list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I've been avoiding my entire life. |
| 5901 |
/u/portuguesesteel |
Between pens and lighters, Bic is making a fortune off of people losing their products. |
| 5887 |
/u/Fuckminsterfullerene |
The first eighteen years of your life are like a free trial, and after that it's pay to play. |
| 5885 |
/u/AbeLincolnsFreckles |
Touch-free soap dispensers are pretty pointless if the soap actually works. |
| 5884 |
/u/cliffordcat |
Victoria is living the dream we all have when we get fired - that the company that fired us will instantly and fantastically fall apart. |
| 5876 |
/u/whattheflark53 |
Letting your date use your phone charger, even though you're at 25%, is the 21st century equivalent of putting your coat over a puddle. |
| 5871 |
/u/spikejr5342 |
Google maps should have a "Scenic!" route option for when we're not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride. |
| 5863 |
/u/themanfromsaturn |
Superman's build should be thin and scrawny, because nothing is heavy enough to offer him a proper resistance workout. |
| 5848 |
/u/ChiefBigwilly |
Cats are the type of animal that, if they could, they would correct your grammar. |
| 5845 |
/u/Why--Not--Zoidberg |
I just now realized the connection between the words "timid" and "intimidate" |
| 5842 |
/u/HoserUSC |
The Simpsons has been on the air long enough that I've stopped identifying with the kids and started identifying with the adults |
| 5828 |
/u/delitomatoes |
Batman is a 1 percenter beating up the mentally ill. |
| 5800 |
/u/YabbilyDoobily |
After clearing your browser history, there should be an option to have it filled with random 'normal' websites, instead of it being all empty. |
| 5789 |
/u/Theraininafrica |
Reddit is like riding a bus. Everybody is talking at the same time so you can't make out anything good and on the rare occasion you hear someone talk about something interesting, that you could contribute to, it is too late and that part of their conversation is over. |
| 5783 |
/u/caseystrain |
"I work for one of the richest companies in the world" sounds a lot better than "I work at Walmart" |
| 5783 |
/u/BigBeardius |
I wish I could see a woman that I know is equally as attractive as I am so I know how attractive I am to the opposite sex |
| 5776 |
/u/AprilLudgate-Dwyer |
The only reason that "shower thoughts" is even a thing is because showering is one of the very rare times that it is impossible to have your face buried in the Internet, thus enabling your capability for abstract and creative thought. |
| 5775 |
/u/itemforty |
Every paper towel commercial reminds me that the cleanest solution is to just not have children. |
| 5755 |
/u/ladyoboe |
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent |
| 5744 |
/u/UtbildadNinja |
If you rip a hole in a net, there's actually fewer holes in it than it was before |
| 5734 |
/u/darkdoggy |
We put clocks in our mobile phones, so we didn't need to look at watches. Now we put mobile phones in our watches so we don't need to look at our mobile phones. |
| 5733 |
/u/ThePittsburgher |
Having Facebook, there is no more reason to have high school reunions, you already know what people are up to and you still don't care. |
| 5704 |
/u/switchtrip16 |
While Apple's new campus is being built, I wonder how many jokes have been made about "installing windows" |
| 5702 |
/u/jmk4422 |
I'm quitting smoking because my niece told me that she wants me to "be around as long as possible". If I get hit by a bus tomorrow I am going to be so pissed off that I fell for her sentimental crap. |
| 5695 |
/u/ksnid3r |
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers. |
| 5690 |
/u/Auvious |
The moral of Rudolph the Red nose reindeer is that no one likes you unless you're useful. |
| 5688 |
/u/davpurr |
The Assassin's Creed series is going to run out of time periods where it's normal to have large piles of hay lying around. |
| 5686 |
/u/Drowfire |
Homeless people should relocate to local Best Buy, Toys R Us, Walmart locations for the holidays. Get line for Black Friday. Then sell their spot in line on Thanksgiving night. |
| 5665 |
/u/cynthiadangus |
I don't appreciate the time that I don't have a cold nearly enough as I should. |
| 5663 |
/u/portajohnjackoff |
i have never seen a blind person reading a public braille sign |
| 5656 |
/u/Tommy84 |
If I save up all my dryer lint, I could spin it back into yarn and knit myself a sweater that's the average color of my entire wardrobe. |
| 5655 |
/u/bluon63 |
The moral of the Ugly Duckling is that everything was ok because he was actually pretty |
| 5647 |
/u/JeLoc |
75% of reddit going dark means this is probably my best chance of ever getting to the frontpage |
| 5640 |
/u/Itanagon |
Despite being an "island", Antarctica has no south coast. Only one big North coast. |
| 5635 |
/u/ViewAskewed |
By midday browsing Reddit just becomes a game of Which Unclicked Link Sounds the Least Shitty. |
| 5632 |
/u/Sepiac |
Our ultimate goal is to make as many people as sad as possible when we die. |
| 5632 |
/u/CrumbledFingers |
I swallow my own saliva hundreds of times a day, but the idea of spitting into a cup and drinking it makes me gag. |
| 5623 |
/u/instantpowdy |
Nightmares are fucking weird. Your brain is the author, viewer and cinema of a horror movie whose script is probably written as you are viewing it. |
| 5613 |
/u/mack1128 |
Scary movies should put high pitched sounds only dogs can hear so your dog will start acting crazy for (seemingly) no reason at the scariest parts. |
| 5610 |
/u/franchise235 |
I wonder if the person who fired Victoria will post about it in /r/TIFU? |
| 5608 |
/u/Mocker-Nicholas |
As an early 90's child, I'm really glad that a 6 to 15-year-old me couldn't post my thoughts all over the Internet. |
| 5606 |
/u/BaconSheikh |
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right. |
| 5593 |
/u/moonman1324 |
For Halloween, SnapChat should add a person standing in the background only after you take the picture. |
| 5577 |
/u/ActuallyNotSnoopDogg |
"Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people" is a quote that discusses people. |
| 5556 |
/u/pleasantreddit |
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife. |
| 5555 |
/u/HumanityZero |
I can search the entire Internet faster than I can search my computer |
| 5554 |
/u/u8eR |
"Taking candy from a baby" would actually be a responsible thing to do. |
| 5543 |
/u/MordorsFinest |
Why hasn't anyone strapped some cameras onto a sperm whale? They regularly dive into the deepest parts of the ocean and supposedly fight giant squids. |
| 5539 |
/u/muffhug |
Bear Grylls should take the spoiled rich kids from MTV's My Super Sweet 16 to live in the wild and name the show "Grylls Scouts" |
| 5537 |
/u/XCosmicBananaX |
In Japan, radiation creates monsters (Godzilla) and in America radiation creates superheroes |
| 5536 |
/u/shbababa |
Humans spend the first 18 (or more) years of their lives getting caught up to speed about what the other humans have been doing for the past few thousand years |
| 5533 |
/u/Stripe_the_Gremlin |
You never realize how few original Christmas songs there are until you work in retail and have to hear the same 6 songs sung by 10 different people in a 4 hr shift. |
| 5530 |
/u/get_ripped_boy |
There are seven year olds in America who have never had a white president |
| 5530 |
/u/Schindlerz-Fist |
I've used my driver's license more to buy alcohol than to prove I'm a registered driver. |
| 5518 |
/u/Toxic_Axon |
I hope that when Donald Trump dies he gets cremated and the guy working the oven says "You're fired" and laughs. |
| 5509 |
/u/ArkLuno |
We should get a notification every time someone attempts to create an account with our username, so we can feel good about ourselves for getting there first |
| 5493 |
/u/Sir_Bocks |
The Onion must be pissed because they can't come up with anything about Donald Trump that's funnier than his real life. |
| 5492 |
/u/toasterdisciple |
The human body is really quiet for everything it does. |
| 5488 |
/u/IwishIwereaPineapple |
Anyone notice the irony behind "hyphenated" and "non-hyphenated"? |
| 5476 |
/u/graaahh |
When a browser asks "Would you like to remember this password?" there ought to be a button that says "Only if it works". |
| 5474 |
/u/lennyoliy |
If a bigger car implies a smaller penis, and larger shoes imply a larger penis, then clowns must have massive dicks. |
| 5472 |
/u/Billobatch |
Casinos should play monopoly with actual money |
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