Edit 1: Hi everyone, thank you for your help! I'm going to sit down and reply to everything as fast as I can. Thank you again.
Edit 2: I've replied to everyone. Thank you again, I really appreciate it. I will be talking with my mother over the next few days about all your replies, and we will sit down together and reply again together. I'm sure my mother will have better information about what services he currently does use.
Hello, and I hope you can help us. I am writing on behalf of my entire family, aside from the person this message is about. I am 21/F, my brother is 18/M, and my parents are around 50/F and 55/M. Forgive me for an incredibly long post, but I'm not sure I can describe it as well otherwise.
My brother is mentally disabled in various ways, but not severely. He is 18 years old, and stands at a massive 6’5” and 274 lbs. He has Kleinfelters Syndrome, oppositional disorder, ADHD, and anger management issues, along with a multitude of other problems. He is a serious safety issue in our household, in my opinion. I am seriously concerned about the safety of my parents and the happiness in their lives overall.
My brother started having tantrums when I was very young. Since he got out of high school, he somehow has become completely harsh in how he speaks to my parents. With people outside the home, he appears to be fine, aside from miscommunications regarding social cues and context. He walks the gray-area line between being clearly disabled and being not disabled.
The way he speaks to my parents I have never seen. It makes me sick to my stomach. It grew this way over the years- he wasn’t always a major asshole. But he now over-reacts to everything they say, and raises his voice at them throughout every day. My parents have become numb to this, and I am appalled every time I come home from college to see his behavior. He screams and yells until my parents concede, and I suspect it is simply because he has learned that this is how he gets his way. Every new day, my whole family acts as though nothing has happened. I miss the little brother I once knew, who was kind, and curious, but had outbursts from time to time.
He graduated high school, having attended a high school for special needs students. He attempted college, but would not complete the coursework on his own time, and thus failed. It is now what would be his winter break, and he has no definite plans. He spends his days playing video games on his PC, which he custom built. If suggested to apply to a job, he will refuse. A major trait of his oppositional personality is that he will not do something- especially if someone suggests it. He recognizes problems in his life but seemingly does nothing about them. He complains that he hates living at home, but refuses to get a job and move out.
Internally, my mother suspects that he is riddled with guilt after outbursts. He has very low self esteem, and is depressed.
Examples of his behavior within the last two days:
My father has a garage in which he keeps all of his tools. My brother is very messy and leaves electronic equipment (which he scavenges from the junkyard) all over the area. My father moved some of it, then asked my brother if he was using a particular tool which was his (disclaimer, my brother and father never get along and neither communicate well). My brother in turn became very angry, and started shouting that indeed, he did know, and my father never listened. This turned into a shouting match, in which my brother stood screaming at my father in the living room. I walked quickly to the area, worrying my father would be injured, and leaned against the door frame staring at my brother. He turned his anger on me and started screaming at me to leave, expressing that it wasn’t my business. He started sobbing, then slammed a few doors behind him as he threw my father’s equipment onto the lawn.
My father and mother told my brother that our wireless internet router would be shut off at 1:30am. My brother became furious and started throwing objects at both my parents, while screaming how it wasn’t unfair. He ripped the router off the table, pulled the cords out, and threw it at my father. “This is all I have ever asked of you” he claimed, while my father rebutted that “I pay for your internet, the only reason we got high speed was for your gaming…”. My brother continued to throw objects, then abandoned the tantrum upon realizing he was wrong. He went upstairs, then came down an hour later pretending nothing ever happened.
Often times we forget what the initial argument was about, but remember the ferocity of my brother looming over us screaming bloody murder. The last time I was shoved was today, as I was climbing the stairs. My brother heard me talking about his behavior with my dad, then when I went up the stairs he came flying out of a door next to the top of the stairs and shoved me as I reached the top.
A few days ago, my brother was screaming at my mother, and hit her in the face. When my father tried to intervene, he whipped him with a towel. I ran and stood in the hallway watching him scream at my mother, making sure he didn’t hurt her again. He then decided to target me and flew down the hallway to shove me back into my room.
In his tantrums, he has shoved me, and is starting to hit my parents with objects and his hands. He claims to never hurt anyone, but the facts state the opposite. He NEVER used to be this physical, and perhaps gets more agitated when I am home and able to observe. My mother has decreased his medication, but he has also decided he doesn’t want to be on as much and on occasion will refuse it. 
I believe that my brother uses his tantrums to get what he wants. He is so rude to my parents that they eventually concede and let him do what he wants. This is simply my opinion. I do believe and understand that he has disabilities regarding completing projects and getting things done, but I also believe a large percentage is due to him simply realizing how to manipulate people. He lives a very comfortable life here, getting to game all day, and eat whatever my mom stocks in the cupboard and refrigerator. He could apply for disability, but claims that he won’t because he knows “you just want me to move out”.
My brother, I believe, needs to get a taste of the real world. I told my mom to just give him a 30 days notice and let him learn how to live, but she believes he will shut down mentally. My mother is a great and compassionate woman, and she has really done all she possibly can for this boy. I think we should maybe get a lawyer of some sort, and work out a rental agreement for him- maybe legally binding him to a set of rules and consequences. I think a major benefit to this would be the option for police and the law to enter. My brother does not respect or fear my parents, and instead walks all over them.
I don’t care if he moves out or stays in. I’m just tired of seeing my family be abused. He screams and has tantrums every day, and part of it is learned, and part of it is disability. Simply kicking him out and putting him in jail is not an option. There is a kind little brother in there, like I mentioned I once saw. Now I only see glimpses of it as we pretend nothing terrible happened the previous day. We don’t want to cast him away. We want him to be successful but also not a complete dickhead. I want him to be independent, at least a little.
My questions to you are as follows;
What can we do, as a family, to help get him on his feet?
How can we legally require him to adhere to a set of rules?
What kind of consequences seem appropriate for a boy like him? Jail? Community service?
Where can we go for resources regarding a situation like this? Who should we talk to?
Are there any subreddits I should cross post this to?
Is there anything I should elaborate on?
Thank you for your time.
TLDR: Disabled brother is abusive but won’t/can’t move out.
Submitted December 23, 2015 at 12:34PM by disabledbroabuse http://ift.tt/1YwqwSm relationships
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