I'll preface this by saying it's been a very stressful couple of weeks, so I'm not very good with the words or the elaboration. I can't English today. I'll be happy to clarify anything that is confusing, just ask.
My boyfriend and I have been together since we were 15 years old. 10 years solid. We've had our rough patches, but we've always worked through them (or, sadly, ignored things until they went away, which is less than ideal, but whatever).
When we first started dating, he was such a sweetheart. He was everything I wanted. Smart, funny, sincere, he liked romantic gestures and liked to include me in his day whenever he could.
Eventually he moved in with me and my family while his parents went through a very messy, very brutal divorce. We were 17.
But my household wasn't too much better. It was a very stressful environment. We kept to ourselves and tried not to interact with my family too much (we're not a close family). Eventually, we went away to college together and got an apartment of our own.
Things in the apartment went pretty smoothly at first. I was having some trouble adjusting to a whole new life, but he was great. I became sick and unable to work close to 4 years ago, and he's since had to support me. I believe he resents me on some level because of this, but he's still generally good about the whole situation. Money is tight, but we're not 2 steps away from living out of a refrigerator box.
After we graduated, we had to move back in with my parents, so things are exponentially more stressful, but we're stuck here for a little while, so I'm really trying to make the best of it.
But, anyway, back to the actual issue.
While he used to be such a wonderful person, he's become someone I don't recognize (but have gotten far too used to). He's combative, defensive, irritable, and doesn't want to spend any time together. He has been diagnosed with depression in the past, but he doesn't have very good insurance, and I don't think I could say anything to convince him to see a doctor for it again. Ball's in his court, and he doesn't want to do anything about it.
So I'm doing my best to try to encourage him to be the man I know he can be. I try to boost his ego, set him up for success, and all kinds of things like that. I'm generally very patient with him, but I'm starting to lose my patience (and hope).
My biggest issue is, I don't know if what I'm unintentionally doing is just trying to change who he is. If this is who he is, then I have no right to try to change that, right? I should love someone for who they are, right?
But this isn't who he used to be. I'm there for him to help him through his worst, but what am I supposed to do if this is a permanent personality issue?
I'm lonely. I've been living with him for, what, about 8 years now? And I feel like I'm alone. He has a stronger relationship with his video game console than he does me. He could list out his most successful K/D Ratios in Call of Duty for the last week, but I bet you anything he couldn't tell you the last time we went out on a date. He doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't want to spend time with me, and is beginning to get violent. He's starting to become slightly violent with our dog (which CANNOT happen), and I fear I'll need to end this relationship soon.
I don't know if I love him, or just love the idea of him or the idea of who he used to be.
What do I do?
Edit: Possibly also relevant. We're both college students, working towards a graduate degree. I'm a full-time student taking difficult classes, and he's a part-time student taking blow off classes while he decides what he wants to do (not judging, just being honest about the situation). He's working two jobs, totaling about 50 hours a week. I am not working, but do freelance data entry when I need some extra money.
He's had ample opportunities to quit his current jobs to get a much better job which would allow him to both cut down his hours and make more money, but he won't do it, despite CONSTANTLY complaining about his current jobs. If he got a new job, his stress levels would drop dramatically, I'm sure.
He also has sleep apnea he refuses to get treated (he thinks his only options are surgery or a CPAP, neither of which he wants to have anything to do with), so he's not getting quality sleep and it's definitely affecting his mood and health.
tl;dr: Boyfriend [26/M] has changed dramatically during the 10 years we've been together. I don't know if by attempting to fix things I'm trying to make him a better person, or I'm just trying to change who he is.
Submitted May 25, 2015 at 04:51AM by wheredidwecomefrom http://ift.tt/1HrbkYC relationships
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