Somebody please tell me i did the right thing. offmychest

14 years ago, I had found a litter of orphaned mice, I didn’t know what to do to save them. I was only a kid, I didn’t have the guts to put them down. I sat with them and watched them slowly die.

Since then, I’ve felt indifferent towards just about anything and everything. I was afraid for a while that I was some kind of unfeeling sociopath.

So, Friday night I fixed my refrigerator. It had been overheating and I was afraid I might have to get a new one. I opened up the back and found the fan was stuck. A mouse had crawled through and its neck had been caught in the fan. I felt only relief as I peeled it off and salvaged my fridge.

Hours later, I found that she had been a mother to three. Two had already died, one was left, blind and afraid. I was immediately taken back to 14 years ago and resolved that I would save this one and redeem myself. I rushed to get the materials, but when I tried to feed him, he just would eat.

I stayed up with him two full days (weekend), trying anything and everything to save him. Different feeding methods and formulas. I was desperate, tired, and afraid. I tried everything and I could see he was in pain, by sunrise on Sunday, I knew I couldn’t save him. I’d failed again.

I knew he was suffering and I had to end it. When I went to gather him, I finally broke down. He climbed right into my hand and snuggled in my palm. He lay there, curled up and purring. He thought I was his mommy, he trusted my, he felt safe and loved. I laid on the ground sobbing uncontrollably. I’ve lost family and friends over the years, but these were the first tears I had shed in those 14 years.

His eyes opened that morning, for the first time, he looked at me, he wasn’t afraid. He didn’t feel any pain, I broke a cinder block over him; it was instant.

I tried so hard to save him, I thought he could save me. He felt loved, he trusted me, and I killed him.

I have felt more pain in one day than I have in over a decade. I now know I can feel, but it hurts to bad to feel. It’s terrible and beautiful all at once. Somebody, please tell me I did the right thing here, i can't take it.

TL; DR: Found an orphan mouse, couldn’t save him, killed him.

Submitted May 27, 2015 at 03:45AM by roosterdiaries http://ift.tt/1LGUEAf offmychest