You know there are going to be some things that I’m going to miss. One of them was the library on the 7th floor in the library. The only party I really cared about was in the philosophy section. Never in my life did I see so many books on various topics. Sometimes I get angry and mad that I believe I will never read all these books there, what the hell it all means. I wish I can be able to go back somewhere and had the chance to do only that, not go to church, watch tv, spend time with my family. I just want to read read silently in the chair that faces the communications building. That’s it. Just read and nothing more.
I’m a fucking idiot to think that I can be able to do anything more that what I’m constrained in. I hate the cults that I have witnessed, the fact that I am always under stress from my parents over anything. I wish I was never born than to have them again. I wish I could have ended my life a long time a go t han to be at this point that I barely have money to move out of my house. For those who say they are pastors, they talk about saving others, but they can’t even save themselves. So as similar to Nietzsche, they always lash out their resentment to other people. I won’t have it anymore. I know the lies that they have kept to themselves. I wish they could have left me to Argentina (and if I die, I don't want my body to go to Argentina, I hate that country of nothing but hispanic nazi’s).
I hate this mask that I have to wear on every single day. The mask of passivity, the mask of “xxxx”. But “xxx” never existed, it was just a tool to use in order to people to stop attacking me. If I can really show you what I am, I’m nothing more than a bitter, sociopathic, violent person. I am in complete opposite of what I say or how I feel, in the end I hope that my real self never comes up, because even a dog vomits and returns to what they departed from. I hope to never be the person
I only miss very few people in my life, but they are not here with me any more. I would give up everything I know just to be able to see and be with them in the end. It’s not love that I sought out as the “answer”, but rather just a relationship of pain and how how I was able to bond and communicate my pain towards them. Oh how I miss them so much. It doesn’t matter that for one it’s been two years and the other nearly a decade, I wish I had the chance to know them better.
Because I did not achieive anything, I ask to be buried like my icon Cesare Borgia. I want my body cremated and my bones scattered in the streets where people can go and walk on me. People may view this as something of horror, but that is al that I request. Those who don’t achieive anything in life or their ultimate goal shouldn’t in my opinion have the right to be buried. I want my life to be fufilled in a greek tragedy. And I don’t want anyone in my funeral, I want silence. It’s not like I had any personal effect on people anyway, so people who knew me wil get the hint like an animal when one of their own dies. I’ve seen it of how of how quickly the places where I have always been seemed to do just fine. I’m not angry of tht, I find that as in it’s own way lovely. To know that their is one less dfucked up person in the world and the world forgot about him.
Sometimes I regret the things that I have said in this note, but it’s my fucking suicide note, and I believe I have the right to know whwat I say.
Mom and Dad, you shouldn’t be all that religious. You shoudn’t care about the salvation of others when all it destroys you in the end. You listen blindly to other cults telling you what to say when you can’t feel satisfaction of living here. Why do christians as well as buddhists want to negate ilfe or even enjoy what makes us human, even if we sin. If I can’t live on this world, why would people expect me to want to live in heaven? Why would they even think that if I don’t like their lifestyle, their errors, their mysticism, would I appreciate the fact that I will have “immortality” up in heaven. And to do what with it exactly? Be happy that I get to be up there when I would rather be here? I hate both now, because I cannot escape from them, that I might as well annihalate myself. I don’t hate God. God made me, and he does what he decides. BUt my parents shouldn’t be the ones to say what God wants nor do christian institutions, I’m going to show those idiots what a Christian ought to do in a post secular world. I will escape from heaven and earth, because their ways disgust me.
Brothers and sisters, get the fuck out of there before it’s too late.
Give any money that I have to UNICEF or the church. Tell them that they can take my blood money. Money is all that dad fucking talks about. It disgusts me how there are pastors and other christians who act and pray and perform while we all suffer in the end. Fuck those guys in their big houses. Most of your kids are fucked up, and I will laugh knowing how the church as well as other protestant churches will be in the next 40 years.
Now that I’m going to die, I’m feeling a bit cold that I just won’t be here anymore. It’s a type of feeling of being inside a refrigerator, your’re cramped and it’s dark and you don’t know what tot do. But at least in this step I know what to do.
There are some books I wrote and other writings that you will find, please put them on the internet for free.
I’m going out Deleuzian style :D
Submitted February 14, 2017 at 11:37PM by worldhasturned http://ift.tt/2kH1IWj SuicideWatch
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