The accident was a year ago today. This is my life now, every day, until I die. depression

The accident was a year ago today. I got out with several broken bones and a traumatic brain injury. The bones are healed, more or less (pins and plates and screws that will never come out, but the bones aren't sticking through my skin at least). The brain injury hasn't, and won't.

I have trouble seeing straight. I can't walk right. I can't tie shoes or fasten buttons. I can't remember my phone number, my address, someone's name or birthday, or directions. I can't speak right. I keep slurring words and have a long, droning stutter. I sound like I'm being played at half speed. I can't type as fast or read as well as before. I can't stay focused or pay attention as well as before. I need post-it notes to remind me that the toilet is a toilet. I can't tell faces apart. I can't hold a pen to write. I can't drive. I can't run. I can't lift. I can't climb. I can't jump. I can't swim.

None of this is ever going to improve, ever. That's not me saying that. It's the doctors and therapists who say that. I will never be able to do what I used to do. I will never be as strong or as smart as I used to. I will never be able to drive a car again. I will never be able to work again. I will never be able to dress or bathe myself again. I will never be able to swim again. I will never be able to pick up a bar and bench, squat, or deadlift again. I will never be able to bend over far enough to pick up that bar in the first place, or squat down far enough to get into position, ever again. I will never be able to run again.

I will always need notes to remind me that a toilet is a toilet, or a refrigerator is a refrigerator, or a computer is a computer, for the rest of my life. I will always need someone I've known for years to tell me who they are whenever I see them, because I can't recognize their face, for the rest of my life. I will always sound like a drunken idiot played at half speed, for the rest of my life. I will always forget everything I would need to know to function independently, for the rest of my life.

I haven't had a job since the accident. They fired me because I couldn't do the job, physically or mentally. So now I can't contribute to the household or the family. Now I am another expense. Now I am another burden. Now I need someone else to bathe me or dress me, because I can't do those on my own. Now I need someone to cook food for me, because I can't do that on my own. I need someone to cut my food for me, because I can't hold a knife and fork well enough to do that on my own. I need someone to drive me, because I will never be able to do that again. I can't tell jokes or stories, because my voice takes so long to say anything and you can't understand it anyway and I'll just forget what I'm saying halfway through anyway too.

This is my life now, every day, until I die. This is what and who I am now, every day, until I die.

Every day, until I die, I will be someone who can't do anything I used to be able to do. Every day, until I die, I will be a broken, stupid, crippled thing that can't do anything. I hate every day more than the last, because that's one more day I have to live through, and will have to live through, every day, until I die.

Submitted August 02, 2016 at 09:25AM by TBIFriday http://ift.tt/2aYFkUe depression