I thought I'd do something productive with my lonely Saturday night and I felt compelled to share.. I feel like this belongs in this subreddit... please correct me if I'm wrong and thanks for reading.
My apologies for this awkward formatting...I don't often post, so I don't know how to fix it...
Dear future (removed), I know that at some point you’ll be perusing this shit show of a diary. Perhaps years, or even decades from now, but basically at some point, you’ll have forgotten that you ever wrote this, and I’m here to tell you hello, and that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that the pages of these entries have been filled with an unbearable loneliness that seems to have seeped into the keyboard, blocking any happy entries. I hope that this finds you well. Dear god please be well. I don’t think I can bear to think of a future where there’s more of this bullshit.
Love has not been easy for us, has it? In our 32 years of existence we have not once been in a committed relationship. Sorry to remind you of that, but it’s all that current (removed) can think of. This all consuming fear of being forever alone has taken its toll. The worst part is that we can’t feel justified in harboring these thoughts. With the state of the world, we have a hard time not tolerating a disappointing love life, when we have so much to already be grateful for. But at the same time, isn’t love a basic necessity of life? We see others constantly take for granted their happy relationships because they have no idea what it’s like to have gone their whole life without a single person saying ‘hey, I think you’re great, we should date and get to know each other more, hey, you know what, after spending all this time with you, I kind of like you, hey, you know what, I don’t just like you anymore, I kind of love you.’ At times, we feel justified in our grief, but most of the time we feel guilty, as if we’re not grateful for the things we already have that others don’t have. I don’t really know anymore. All I know is that I’m getting pretty tired of playing this game of solitaire.
So future (removed), have you figured out what we’re doing that’s driving all the men away? Yes? Well then, could you perhaps teleport this info from the future back to me, so I can stop banging my head against the wall, racking my brain, trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong? Oh I have my suspicions, but I don’t have any concrete evidence of just exactly what it is, seeing as I’ve never conducted an exit interview after a failed relationship. Okay, let’s just say it. It has to be our body, right? Sure, we can fool men into thinking we’ve got it all, a beautiful face, hair and personality, but once the clothes come off, we’ve got nothing to hide behind. It’s that belly that’s just… there, chillin’, housing all the bad decisions we’ve ever made. It’s the evidence of a former fatter exterior that has chosen to express itself in ribbons of cascading stretchmarks on our pale skin that hasn’t seen the sunshine since swimming lessons in second grade. This is the only thing men will see. They’ll never know that we literally ran over 1500 miles to correct a lifetime of poor eating habits only to arrive with THIS body. No, THIS body isn’t the ideal. It’s not what men are accustomed to; it’s nothing like the photoshopped feminine ideal that the mainstream media has conditioned men to admire since youth. It sure as shit isn’t the body they’re used to seeing in their favorite porno. Perhaps it’s our height. At 5’11, we’re taller than most men. Maybe some find it intimidating, which is understandable if we were going after fellas who were shorter, but no, we’ve only dated men above six feet. But still, maybe they’re looking for a dainty woman who needs help carrying groceries, not some giant Amazon of a woman who could carry a fridge on her back if the conditions were right. Do you think men somehow find this intimidating? Goddamnit, I think I just answered my own question. Maybe we’re being completely superficial and unfairly categorizing all the men who have rejected us. Perhaps we should seriously consider the idea that it is, in fact, our personality that is driving them away. We both undoubtedly know how competitive we can become. Our need for validation has taken interesting forms, be it political discourse, naming the title and artist of the obscure song playing in the background at some bar, or even how fast we can run a mile. We have to be supreme in our endeavors to offset our incredibly insecure nature. We proudly display our prowess and attributes as if they’re necessary in order to receive love. How did we get the idea that in order for a man to love us, we have to somehow be useful to him? There’s one final option that is more terrifying than all the rest. What if it’s all in our head? What if WE'RE the only reason we've lived a life of perpetual singledom? What if we’re only projecting our insecurities onto these unsuspecting men, and subconsciously behaving in a way that oozes the self-doubt that ultimately drives him away? Maybe it’s not our actual body, but the mere fact that we’re ashamed of it, so ashamed that we insist on having sex in the dark, as if we’re not even worthy of the light. And in the darkness we fool ourselves into thinking we can hide our flaws. But we can’t, and we both know we shouldn’t have to. We should be proud- okay, baby steps, ahem, we should be accepting of our exterior, especially since we worked so hard to achieve our current results. Nobody wants to be with someone who’s ashamed of herself. Maybe it’s not our personality but a lack in confidence in our authentic self. Perhaps we ought to stop behaving in the way we believe he thinks a young single woman in her 30’s should behave. I bet that you, future (removed) can feel the neuroticism dripping off the last sentence. You probably even just cringed a little. But surely you can remember what it was like to have this mindset. Perhaps we should stop focusing on what we think he wants and just be our sweet, yet sarcastic self. We don’t have to prove ourselves to him. He’s not going to want to be with us solely because of our running pace, or the fact that we can apparently carry refrigerators on our back. We don’t have to be the smartest person in the conversation either. Just be (removed). That, in itself, should be enough. And that's really all we can do. So I've got to ask, is the future (removed) still cheesy af? Does she still give herself motivational speeches from her future self? This is getting weird now. But I hope that whenever you stumble upon this entry, years from now, it’ll bring a smile to your face. The (removed) of this mindset, time and place will be a distant memory. But you’ll know that despite all the isolation and heartache, you still wouldn’t trade our experiences. Now close the screen and go make out with that ruggedly handsome significant other of ours and never take him for granted. Welp, hopefully this has been a nice change from all the sad, lonely and pathetic entries you’ve been reading about your awkward and non-existent love life. Hang in there. Love, Yourself
Submitted January 03, 2016 at 12:45PM by TheBummedOutWaitress http://ift.tt/1Os1tcs TwoXChromosomes
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