I've hit as close to rock bottom as I will consciously allow myself. I'm a mess, and a loser, and I'd be homeless if not for my SO.
And, I'll preface the rest of this by saying, I can't afford a doctor at the moment. I literally JUST lost my health insurance 4 days ago because I turned 26 ('Murica!), so I can't see any professional. I did apply for Medicaid, but we'll see if/when that goes through.
Anyway, I've mostly hit rock bottom, but I'm not in a position to really pull myself back up, which is making things so much worse. I've become exponentially depressed lately because I KNOW I've fucked up, and I KNOW how to fix it, but very little of that is obtainable right now.
-Work: I've been unemployed for 5 years. I'm about to apply to graduate school, chasing a degree for a career I only hope I'm stable enough to do.
The thing is, I could work, but I'd have to find a very particular job with a very particular job description. I physically cannot handle most of the stuff you find in a typical work place (of any sort; retail, office work, food service...), but I've been denied disability twice.
And I found a place that would work out for me, but I need a car, which I don't have. But I need to work in order to be able to buy a car. But I need a car to get to work. Fuck.
I do some freelancing, but I don't make much money at all. I could do more, but this depression is so crippling.
-Relationships: My SO has been mostly supportive. He doesn't totally understand bipolar, but he knows enough that we're not clashing.
Problem is, I need more from him. I've already asked so much of him, so I feel selfish asking for more, but I can literally list out the things that I need from him and BAM! my depression won't be as bad.
But those things are also things nobody should ask of their SO. Things like, "Stop enjoying this hobby," and, "Spend even more time with me, despite the fact that we live together." Okay, so most of the things I'd ask aren't so bad, but it's still stuff that would make you say, "Is this guy even good for you?"
And with my friends and family, there's no relationship to salvage. My friends have moved on with their lives, finding new groups of friends, getting married, having babies...I was (understandably) left behind.
My family? Yeah. There's no relationship to be had there. I'm close enough with my dad that he'll send me money when I need it (I hate borrowing money), and I'm living with my mom, but everyone (my siblings especially) see me as a failure. I'm human garbage and they just want me out of the house. One moved out, despite not being able to afford to, solely because she didn't want to see my unemployed fat ass anymore.
Debt: Oh, man. My debt. Since I've been unemployed for so long, and a college student, I've racked up $105k in debt in about 5 years. Yeah. My SO never made very much money, so we mostly survived on credit cards and residual financial aid. His debt is around $50k, so if we ever got married, I think we'd be living in a refrigerator box for a while.
UGH. There's so much more, but I've gotten myself all upset, so I'll spare you the entire sob story.
In the end, I need help, and I don't know where to go from here. Everything requires money, of which I have none. Is Canada nicer to poor people than America is?
Submitted October 05, 2015 at 11:57PM by ThinkCritically13 http://ift.tt/1LtDM40 bipolar
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