TIFU by declaring war on fruit flies. tifu

I just lost a case of energy drinks to organic potatoes. Listen up Reddit, it's story time with Devtrast.

I couldn't sleep last night and after tossing and turning until around 4am I decided to get up and start/continue my day.

I snagged a bite to eat in the Jack in the Box drive thru, ordered two burgers, and headed home to eat in peace. I was planning on heading to Winco today, so after my carb heavy breakfast I set to the kitchen to get an inventory of groceries I would need. The usual things a refrigerator needs stocked with: Tuna, butter, eggs, and bacon, started my list without issue.

It wasn't until I hit the pantry that I noticed some brown stains on a few of the shelves. Now, this wasn't the first time I noticed them, it was just the first time I decided to investigate what might have left them and where they were coming from.

These browns stains looked like brown, dried up raindrops, each puddle getting slightly larger the further you went up.

I'm noting that I need a few items such as pasta and cereal, when I find the source of these brown stains peering from the top shelf: a bag of moldy, liquefied potatoes which would subsequently ruin my morning and any desire to ever buy potatoes again.

You see, I initially thought, "oh gross moldy potatoes," but when I lifted the bag ever so slightly I revealed the true horror and agenda of these demon vegetables from Satan. They were a moldy liquefied breeding ground for MAGGOTS AND FRUIT FLIES. AND THEY WERE CHILLIN IN A POOL OF LIQUID. LIQUID THAT USED TO BE POTATOES. Like think about that. These potatoes, once a solid, were now a liquid. Fruit flies are mother fuckin alchemists.

As if that wasn't horrifying enough, the buzzing sounds I initiated are what I imagine ISIS uses to scare the local populace into following their crazy agenda. Because after stirring the insect mob and having them scream their death threats at me, I was terrified to go anywhere near the bag and I was willing to do pretty much anything they wanted at that point. I literally had no idea what to do, because I didn't know what I was up against.

You know what the worst thing about a potato bag is? The amount of holes companies put in them for potatoes to breath. POTATOES DON'T HAVE LUNGS WHY DO THEY NEED TO BREATH??

See, I wanted to just grab the bag and throw it in the trash. But those holes? Oh perfect size for thousands of disgruntled fruit flies to attack the dick that tries to deport them from their cozy pantry home. I know if I was a fruit fly and a large bearded bro tried to disturb my gated potato community I would not go lightly. I'd be one fly, patriotic mother fucker.

I paced around my apartment for about 30 minutes before deciding I better be even more scared of this mess and Google 'rotten potato maggots.' Because that's the sensible thing to do right? Nope, wrong.

When you Google 'rotten potatoes' like the third entry is an article about a girl WHO IS NOW AN ORPHAN BECAUSE ROTTEN POTATOES KILLED HER FAMILY. I WISH I WAS JOKING RIGHT NOW.

Tl;dr: family kept large amount of potatoes in cellar, potatoes went bad, potatoes release deadly gasses, everyone in the family but the girl went to investigate smell, everyone in family dies. Now I have to worry about making my unborn children orphans. As you can imagine it was at this point when I realized that regardless of what Fifth Harmony claims, potatoes are not worth it, and I'm glad there was a potato famine in Ireland at one point. Although I wish it would have just wiped out potatoes entirely. It was also at this point I began writing my will, to further distract me from dealing with the situation at hand.

Which is another thing. I thought about just leaving it, and calling someone later in the day. Meh, the flies can chill for awhile right? I also took this time to make sure my gas mask still fit, because apparently I would be needing it.

After approx an hour of stalling and calming down from the buzzing incident, I began my plan of attack. Surely I am not worthy of a beard if I cannot initiate a declaration of war via bug genocide and habitat relocation. The planning had begun.

Step 1. Supplies. I decided to not go with the gas mask. If the smell was as bad as my research suggested I did not want to throw up to possibly choke and die like a freshman on prom night who suffers from 'lightweights who pregame too hard.' So a sweatshirt doused in cologne would have to do. I also readied my all purpose cleaner with bleach, paper towels, a kitchen trash bag, and a Hefty black garbage bag.

Step 2. Elevation. I have two chairs in my apartment. My office chair with scooter wheels that acts like a child with ADHD and can't sit still, and my drum stool that has the stability of an elderly person with dementia. Obviously both are terrible choices to trust with my life, but I chose the drum stool with dementia as it seemed the lesser of two evils. I tried out my office chair earlier in my first interaction with the potatoes, but I spent more time trying to stabilize than examining the liquid mess.

Step 3. Execution. I took the black trash bag and readied it open on the oven door as a second and final seal. I chose a kitchen bag as the first form of contact for the easy close straps, and I wanted to seal that bitch super fast to minimize potential refugees and migrants of the great moldy potato move.

I positioned myself atop the stool and peered on. My heart raced, I wasn't ready in the least (to my credit no one is truly ever ready for war), and the bag was still dripping like a broken tap.

Testing the waters I lifted the bag a little, slower than I did before to get an idea of how many of these things there were. The bag lifted from it's brown, sloppy base and there was one particular potato in front that was the epicenter of fruit fly operations.

Two thirds of this potato were covered in a white, fungus looking substance, and the final third looked like it did it's best to look like a potato. But if it were in a potato look alike contest, it would not win. Like ever.

Within the bag dozens of mini flies buzzed around, most likely practicing training missions to defend their motherland. Below them, future warrior maggots rioted and were wondering why the potatoes were moving.

So it was now or never. I positioned and re-positioned the bag, but every angle was awkward and would give more seconds for the flies to react than I wanted. My face was protected in a South Park Kenny sort of way, the hood of my sweatshirt tied as tight as it would go, and the strings tied behind my neck to secure the hood in place. Cologne filled my nostrils, and I had yet to get a good whiff of the vegetable graveyard before me.

I didn't have gloves either, and I didn't want to touch the liquid for fear of poisoning and/or death. Finally I just decided to man up and fuck up these flies' world.

And why shouldn't I? These bitches were on my territory, in my house, trying to live rent and tax free PLUS they were eating my food? Not on my land, fly-bros, this isn't communist China.

So I did my best Trump impression, grabbed that sack by the top knot, yelled some racist obscenities and lobbed those squatting mother fuckers into my white disposable trash bag. I strung up that bag like it was a noose sending a message to fruit flies everywhere and proudly wrapped that sack with a hefty black garbage bag lining.

The flies yelled and hollered, but were unable to escape because SURPRISE BITCH TRASH DOESN'T NEED TO BREATH.

I threw the bag out with a very elitist strut like I just won the war on terror and looked at the brown liquid aftermath in my pantry.

I sprayed probably half the bottle of all purpose cleaner to avoid the smell, and luckily no food was effected. I threw out some granola and gravy mix that may have been in contact with the potatoes, but there were minimal domestic casualties.

Oh and that energy drink case I lost? It was on the floor of the pantry and had several droplets of potato sludge over the mouth of a few of the cans, so I scrapped them all out of paranoia.

There was one can missing from the corner of the case which I drank yesterday, so hopefully my immune system is as strong of a warrior as I am. If not, please write this post on my epitaph.

tl;dr: Bag of potatoes left in pantry caused ISIS squatter flies to move in and I had to act like the leading republican presidential candidate to deport them. Also I might die because I potentially consumed liquefied potato that dripped onto a case of energy drinks in my pantry.

Submitted October 05, 2015 at 10:16PM by Devtrast http://ift.tt/1Le9XSV tifu