My boyfriend and have been dating long-distance for a year and a half and we're starting to talk about where our relationship is going to proceed. We've been casual friends for something like 6-7 years but we didn't start dating until I moved out of state - we took a trip together after I'd moved and were like, "Shit, we should have dated when we lived in the same city. This was dumb." We're now talking about the possibility of me moving back to my old city (this is dependent on my job situation, of course, but things are moving in that direction). Yay!
We talked on the phone the other night and he was super upset because his friend's son had gotten a concussion in a wrestling match and he'd spent the afternoon at the emergency room with him and his mother. The boy was doing OK when they left, but his mom had made plans to go out with her friends that evening and so my boyfriend stayed at their house and kept an eye on things and helped him with his homework, etc.
He has been involved with this family for a long time. He met the boy's father twenty-odd years ago when they were roommates in grad school and they became best friends. Around 6 years ago, the boy's father died suddenly of natural causes, leaving his wife and son, who would've been around 7 or 8 at the time. They didn't have any other children.
My boyfriend has taken it upon himself to be a male role model in the boy's life, since none of the boy's uncles live in the area, he lives five minutes away from them, and he likes spending time with kids. He did a similar thing for the son of a girl he dated years ago - the relationship didn't work out, but he became close to that boy and they were interested in a lot of the same things, so they'd go to the movies or attend military history events together, that kind of thing. This other boy is now in college out of state and doing well.
This is nice in theory, but a few things about it are kind of making me go "hmm."
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Like I said, he and I have been friends for years, and he's mentioned the boy and his mother to me as long as I've known him, but I've never met either of them. He and I didn't see each other super often when we lived in the same city, but he throws a big party once a year that a ton of people come to, and this woman and her son have never been there when I was there. He's never invited me to meet her or her son, or mentioned the possibility to me. I visited him over Christmas break and he had gifts for the boy, so I told him I could go over to their house with him to meet them, but he didn't take me up on the offer. He later delivered the gifts when he was out running errands by himself.
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When he tells me things about them, it always seems like he's doing "man things" for them, like putting up a basketball hoop, helping with their yard, that sort of thing. And now the mother contacted my boyfriend when her son was in the emergency room, knowing he'd rush over there, instead of any other family members who live in the area.
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He's taken them on vacation with him before - his extended family does a week-long "family camp" on a lake near his hometown, and the boy and his mother have come along, because the boy is the same age as his nephew and they liked playing together when they were younger.
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He has a picture of the boy displayed prominently in the area of his house where he keeps a few other pictures, including pictures of his niece and nephew. The weird thing is, this boy's picture blocks the view of his niece and nephew's pictures. I've never known any man to have a picture of their friend's son displayed prominently in their home - maybe a snapshot on the refrigerator, but not in a frame on his dining room hutch.
He says that he and the boy's mother have never been romantically involved, and I have no reason to think he's cheating on me with her or anything (I wouldn't be in a long-distance relationship with him if I didn't think he was trustworthy), but is this woman overreaching a bit? I got a tiny bit snippy to him on the phone the other day and asked if she had dated anyone else since her husband died, and he says that she has, but isn't involved with anyone now. Isn't it about time that she start leaning on someone else for help? I don't know both sides of the story, so maybe she's helped him out with things too in the past, but it seems like it's a bit one-sided these days. I don't like to think that his kindness is being taken advantage of.
He has a history of being a really, really good friend and being really good at staying in touch with people and helping them out. He's been single most of his adult life due to his profession (he works in the marine industry and has spent most of his working life at sea), so perhaps he just enjoys pretending that he's part of a family. I know he also worries that she's turning the boy into a sissy and spoiling him. That would be fine, except if we get serious about our relationship like we've been talking about, I need to be a higher priority than this woman and her son. I don't mind if he helps them out once in a while as a favor to his dead friend, but I'd really prefer that this woman start looking on her own for a father figure for her son.
(Also, I should mention that we have a good sex life and he's exclusively dated women in the past. I don't have any reason to believe that he's a secret pedophile or is attracted to this boy in any way. I was sexually abused myself as a teenager and I have a bit of a sixth sense about people who are attracted to children, and he's never given me any indication that he's like that. I hate that I have to mention this, but I don't want to make him sound skeevy or anything.)
tl;dr: My boyfriend plays "father figure" for his dead friend's wife and son. Am I nuts to feel a little bit miffed by this, or is he just being nice?
Submitted January 31, 2018 at 02:53AM by macabre_trout http://ift.tt/2GvohZf relationships
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