This article is what spurred me to seek advice elsewhere. My response was very long, so I just copied and pasted. It is long, so thank you in advance if you choose to read it through and offer any advice!
http://www.thefemininewoman.com//communicate-angry-man-closer/
I'm a little late to the discussion - but thank you for that article. As the man you may be speaking about, a lot of that rings true. At risk of criticism, I never thought I'd find any sort of solace on a feminist site.
After close to a year of dating, I'm 30 and she's 22, we have recently been fighting a lot. We met through work. We got along great at first and I think part of that was her 1 year old son and I seemed to bond very quickly. She's a great mother, and her insanely smart two year old proves that. She usually means well, she's pretty, and relatively intelligent. She can be competitive (Which is a good thing), and is everybody's favorite at the workplace.
Here are some of the things I think have been working to build this tension - which has recently started to turn into me being more angry than I recall ever being.
I don't know if selfish is the right word - but it's like if something doesn't directly affect her right now, she fails to realize it is a possibility. Similarly - If I mention that something irritates or upsets me, she laughs and says it isn't a big deal.
She has always been forgetful. She loses everything constantly, she leaves dirty diapers laying around the house (For days if I don't step in), she "Forgets" to pay bills - which will be brought up later. Then she expects everyone around her to drop everything (leave work, leave friends, etc) to take care of her. I'm a pretty reasonable guy - I've honestly been considered laid back by most everybody in my life for the past decade. If this happens once or twice in a span of time... okay ... stuff happens let me see what I can do to help. The problem is that she NEVER LEARNS FROM HER MISTAKES. It is like she fails to process that her actions are the cause of not only hers, but others stress as well.
After a few months, it almost feels like I am a babysitter more than a boyfriend.
As far as communication goes - It seems like all she knows how to do is complain or talk about Facebook. I always thought maturity was the issue we had and that eventually she'd learn to communicate beyond superficial conversation. If I've had a bad day or a good day, I mostly try to keep it to myself. I do this because if it's a good day, I'll just feel like it meant nothing. If it's a bad day, I'll just get angry. In the past, I've always had at least enough connection where we could keep a conversation going about something and I could express my happiness and it would be understood why. Now it is more like "I found out that thing A didn't work exactly as planned, but when I ch..." - "OMG look at this thing on FACEBOOK!!". Wasn't even listening. Like I said, I thought this would eventually change and I've tried to tell her to leave her phone on the counter but to no avail. It drives me insane.
She also has a habit of lying to make her story better. "The doctor said I have the worst case of such and such he's ever seen." Another time was when she called from the ER that I left after a few hours as she was sleeping, "My fever is at 102 so far and they are doing their best to try to stop it from climbing" was the message she left me. We went the next day for follow up and the doctor asked if she'd had fevers or anything. She quickly said yes - however the nurse in the room said "Actually the temp got as high as 99.6 but nothing to worry about." She tried saying she meant at home, and they asked if she measured it. She said yes...I quickly said "We don't even have a thermometer". Then after they left, she got mad at ME.
When it comes to feelings - hers are always the priority. I need to do this and that, be more lovey dovey and more reassuring, I need to drop everything to go sit with her in ER for multiple hours, even though I tell her she just needs to breathe. I do those things, or try my best, to keep her happy. But for me, it's like whatever I say doesn't really hold any clout in her head. That or she simply doesn't process it. In one ear out the other.
For example - I'm the kind of guy who needs space. I'm a deep thinker and there are times when I need uninterrupted time to just be by myself. It literally charges my batteries for lack of better terms. When I don't get this opportunity for too long, I get angry, resentful, and absolutely drained of energy. I have told her this SO many times. I would always say okay, we hung out all weekend so I need until Wednesday or Thursday before we hang out again. Then she'd call and say she doesn't like being alone. I'd stand my ground and she'd call back crying, I'd eventually cave. It got to the point I didn't even try explaining anymore because she just failed to listen or care.
Then she started talking about moving in. I was astute with a "Hell no, that will end us". I was doing very well at holding my ground on this one, until she called me crying saying she was getting evicted. She said she "Thought she paid her rent" but it didn't go through. She claims there was no contact from her apartment saying she never paid, which I find very hard to believe. So instead of making her or her son move in with parents (45 min away from work, daycare, etc)... I said fine but you handle everything and I NEED this to be as little stress on me as possible (I just opened a business and have no more room for stressors in my life, especially since I already have no time to myself anymore).
So lately we've been arguing a lot. She's right in that sometimes I do not necessarily have a reason to be AS upset as I seem to be. I tell her it's all this stuff compounding and that it isn't just the one thing that sets me off. She sort of scoffs and tells me I need to get over it. Last night - I somewhat snapped. I feel bad but I feel it was a long time coming. WE were unpacking and everything (Which I told her she needed to be responsible for in the first place). I bent over to get something and a bottle fell off the refrigerator and hit me in the head (I get IRRATIONALLY mad when something or someone hits my head). I threw what was in my hands straight to the ground. She laughed and said "You have anger issues, haha". I said "It ****** **** me off, I'm ******* frustrated!" She laughed again and mentioned throwing something. I immediately kicked the box full of stuff at the wall next to her, sending everything everywhere.
She ran to the room and cried. I started cleaning that all up and then unpacking some more. She came out about a half hour later and started complaining (More complaining, I don't even usually hang out with people who complain a lot. I try to be a positive thinker when possible. If it's worth complaining about, fix it or leave it, don't let it take up space in your head). That quickly escalated and within a few seconds and she decided to throw something at me, I grabbed a 32 oz Yeti mug and threw it straight into the wall. I didn't throw it at her, about 90 degrees to the side actually, but it literally stuck inside the wall.
That tells me that somethings gotta give. I told her she needs to change or leave because if she was going to continue to push my buttons at every chance she got, that I don't know if I can maintain my composure much longer. That was out of character for me, and I'm somewhat ashamed for letting my emotions get the best of me. I usually am a closed book, a wild card almost with my emotions. I am the one people turn to when they need an emotionless answer or some advice from multiple perspectives.
Then I go online and literally every article except this one you wrote, as well as all their comments immediately tell the woman in that situation to leave as the man is manipulative, abusive, etc. I was starting to wonder if that was my case but this article at least shed some light on why I might be feeling the way I do. I'll look into the other stuff because I understand it is possible without my knowing, but this article helped validate that it isn't a completely one sided world.
I apologize for the length but I just had to vent to someone, somewhere. It's probably too old but any advice would be great. Especially any advice for her. If there's a way to "Help" a woman understand how to learn from her mistakes that would be much appreciated. If there is any 3rd party advice (As in not from me) about the issues that come with never taking your eyes off your phone, that would be great as well. Maybe you all recognize something in there I do not that could help.
Again I apologize for the length, but I never vent so I just got a lot out there. Y'all have a great day.
Submitted January 31, 2018 at 10:00PM by CARSTOC http://ift.tt/2DNxMkF relationship_advice
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