As the title says, Downtown Julie Brown is trying to kill me. But i don't think its the real Julie Brown. I think its a demonic spirit sent from the 1980s. I have tried to hide, to run. Nothing I do can save me now. In a few hours, I will be dead. So instead of going to the police, or a church, or making arrangements to have someone watch my cats, I choose to write to Reddit.
It all started when I was a kid. I would watch MTV all the time. When Downtown Julie Brown and all the family was gathered around the tv enjoying videos, I would excuse myself to my room and get sexy with myself. I would think of her. After I would finish, I would feel bad about the things I did. See, I was raised to be Catholic or something. So, playing the skin flute is not looked upon fondly. To make myself feel less awkward about it, I would come back out and make fun of her crappy English accent.
"ugh, look at me!" I would stutter. " I'm Downtown Julie Brown, and I smoke fags!"
My family would laugh as I had a great Julie Brown accent. Oh, and fags are cigarettes. I like gay people and would never smoke them. Unless, they were attacking me. Or IF I did drugs and had them as friends, I would make them high with weed. Anyways, I became obsessed with her. I started turning the crank every night and thought of her haughty British accent. I started calling her downtown Doodoo Brown. I would imagine her making me rich and jet-setting around the world with me. I would introduce music videos in my dreams and she would then make love to me. It was fun....while it lasted.Everything changed when I turned 13.
It was a night that my parents went out to the dance club. I was home alone and decided that tonight would be a perfect night to make love to Julie in a romantic way. I got candles and set them up in my bedroom. For Christmas that year I got a VCR. I had recorded an episode of Julie Browns show and was eager to watch it. I pressed play and she introduced the first video. I used that time to grab some baby oil, and a towel. I started going to town pretty fast. I guess I was overly excited. Then suddenly the power in the house went out. All the power...except for the TV. Suddenly Julie came on the TV. At first I tried to remind myself when I recorded this. It looked unfamiliar. Then she spoke."Dirty boy. You salt the jimmy while you watch me?"I was confused. I stopped wincing the witch for a minute. I looked deeper in the TV.
"Chris, Stop pilfering the cash pot!" She yelled.
My wang slipped out of my hand and retreated in my full bush. I felt a rush up my spine as she banged on the glass of the TV. Her eyes turned red and her tongue jetted out of her mouth like a snake. She pressed herself against the glass of the TV. Her nails grew to a fine point as she scraped them across the screen.
"If you ever pull your donkey manger out to play with it while thinking of me again, I will come and kill you and your family." She hissed.
I screamed and fell back, the baby oil splashing me in the face. I passed out.
When I woke up the next day I was sticky and covered in oil. My slippery goose was exposed and crusted over. Julies words rang in my ears. I shuddered. That night when it was family TV time, my parents wanted to put on Julie Brown. I screamed no and ran to my room. High school was rough for me. I didn't have many friends. But I got through it with straight A's and one B-plus. Thanks for nothing, Mr. Freeman. I never made wooby with girls as I was always afraid to touch a real vag. College was experimental and cool. I got to hook up with a few black girls. Oh, and they don't all like big penis. The memory of that night though haunted me. I had nightmares all the time.
Anyways. Fast forward to a few days ago. I had plans to attend a seminar where you get to meet your favorite celebrity from the 80's and 90's. Big names were there. Too many to list. I was there to see Debbie Gibson. I was waiting in her line when out of nowhere this tall, thin, sexy black woman bumped into me, spilling her drink all over my pants. I look up to see who it is, and yup, you guessed it....The real Julie Brown."Oh, my! I am so sorry! I spilled my coffee all over your pants! Now they are ruined!" She said. I was star struck. She was everything I had imagined her to be. I couldn't speak and she knew it.
"Oh, are you star struck by me? Silly young man. I am just a humble TV and movie star." She giggled. "But whatever shall we do about your pants? What size are you?" she asked.
I told her I was a 21 waist size. She told me that she had an extra pair in her hotel room."Why don't you and I go up and you can get them. I am sure we can get into some mischief along the way."
I looked down at her crotch and could tell she wanted me. I was so nervous. All the day's events melted away. I dropped my autograph book and followed her out of the line. To whoever finds my autograph book, please take care of it. It had some good ones in there.
I followed her up to the hotel suite where she was staying. It was really nice. It had a small refrigerator. She called it a mini-fridge. She said I also could have one thing from it. I guess the fancy hotel charged her for the things she took out. I chose a snickers bar. It was good.Suddenly, she was on top of me. She ripped my clothes off and started to grip on my Cobra Kai. I was in heaven. She was doing things to me with her mouth. I could tell I was dribbling. She didn't mind the bush. I fell on the bed and closed my eyes.
Then suddenly I remembered the warning from all those years ago. Ghost Julie was in my mind again. She was laughing at me. I was caught! I heard a gurgling sound and opened my eyes to see the Real Julie Brown turning into a crazed monster. She still had my Benny Hana in her mouth. She teeth were turning into fangs right on front of my eyes. I threw her off and bolted for the door. She grew wings and flew at me. I ducked and she smashed through the door! There was a bell boy in the hall and she pounced on him! She chewed off his face! I ran down the hallway. She screamed after me.
"You forgot your pants! Hahahaha. Filthy human!"
I ran to the nearest coffee shop! I needed to post my tale. I know she is coming for me. She is going to kill me and eat my sham sham. I am going to try and hide out. Maybe get out of town. I heard that three of my friends have died in the past hour! Oh no, I think she's here!
Submitted June 04, 2015 at 01:35AM by ChrisViews http://ift.tt/1EX3l3E shittynosleep
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