I have maybe 30 friends, 8 of whom I consider close, 3 of whom I was have said were best friends before this past year.
I often invite people over for homemade dinner – individually and in groups. I bring friends to the art museum and the botanic gardens as guests of my membership. I make plans to go out for coffee/tea/drinks/hikes/estate sale shopping/all manner of activities and get flaked on about 50% of the time.
I call folks on their birthdays, and if I'm going to see them will bring a small gift, like a pie or a plant. I often organize birthday gatherings for close friends.
When someone I know is going through a hard time, I bring them food or offer to walk their dog or something.
I help people move and have let folks crash on my couch for weeks at a time. (I once let a friend live with me for a month rent free at the end of a huge cross-country road trip and he made a giant facebook post tagging everyone he met in his travels, but didn't tag me or mention me at all. I didn't even really get a thank you, he just left while I was at work one day.)
I visit my friends who live in other cities and send cards or packages once a year or so, just to let them know they're loved from afar.
Etc, etc, etc.
After all that, I spend every birthday alone unless I specifically organize something. I don't get gifts and I can't really count on everyone showing up, let alone making a toast or something.
I've been invited over for dinner exactly ONE time in the last two years, and it was new friends I just met.
People don't call me, including my family members. I live in a popular destination town with a cheap airline but still don't get visitors.
I got engaged this year and couldn't think of anyone to be a bridesmaid because ALL THREE of the aforementioned best friends just evaporated from my life recently. When I gently, but clearly let them know that I noticed and was hurt, all I got back were defensive accusations.
So my husband and I decided to just elope, and we told all of our friends as a holiday party was wrapping up. There was a vague 'yay' from the group and then someone else started talking about how much fun she's had being married for the last year and then we all put our coats on and left.
WHAT IS THE DEAL.
I try to just roll with it and be who I am without setting any unrealistic expectations, and I do try to let people know when I need help with something or just need someone to be there. But I swear to god, they're not even listening when I say it. I offered to run errands with a friend because she doesn't have a car, and I tried to talk to her a little bit about how I feel, and she just said something like "Yeah, that's really hard" without realizing I was talking about her and the rest of our friend group.
I'm a naturally friendly and generous person, and I try to give people the space to just be who they are within friendships, but holy shit.
It's starting to make me bitter. My husband and I went out for lunch on my birthday this year and I couldn't help taking mental stock of all the calls and video chats and packages and homemade gifts I had put together for people.
I dog sit as a side gig and I get legitimately depressed when I see a refrigerator full of cards congratulating someone on their engagement, (three separate clients right now).
I adore my husband and he's so great to me in almost every way, but even he doesn't plan date nights, buy me flowers, etc. I bring him home treats almost every time I'm out, pour him a glass of wine in the shower, buy him new underwear just because.
People seem to like me and always have really nice things to say about me, but it's getting absurd how little I will see other people or have them in my life if I don't do a shit load of work.
Submitted January 07, 2018 at 07:08PM by hellothrowaway6666 http://ift.tt/2COE2LG offmychest
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