I'm a 23 year old male.
My younger brother (-3 years) and I were raised by my mother and father. My father was mentally abusive and would always demean me if my preferences for anything didn't match his. This could be anything from me not liking steak, wanting a cat instead of a dog, or preferring to stay inside over playing sports. He never took no for an answer from anyone. As I was growing up it felt as if my mother and I would bond over the fact that my father was our common enemy, and that I could be comfortable around her because she wouldn't berate me for expressing my own opinions.
Fast forward. I am ~13 years old and we are on a vacation with extended family. My mother, myself, and a few family members are sitting around talking. The subject changes to some negative thing my father did recently and I said something like "Sometimes I wonder how I am related to him when we are so different". My mother looked at me curiously and asked me "Didn't you know he is not your real father?" My whole world was shaken. Everything I thought I knew was pulled out from under me and I was confused. My father was not really my father? I began to cry in front of my relatives as they watched silently. My mom said she thought I always knew. Did she offer to talk with me about my feelings or clear things up? No. As I sat crying in front of everyone she said she would take me shopping to make me feel better and that I could get whatever I wanted. I declined and she never brought the topic up again.
That was a pivotal moment because I started to understand why my "dad" hated almost everything about me and why it seemed like he preferred my younger brother in every way. They got divorced when I was 15 after he decided to throw a punch at my face over a petty argument while my mom was out of town.
Whenever the theme of girls or dating came up in my adolescence my mom would downplay it or subtly mock my involvement with girls. She laughed at the idea in the same way you'd laugh at a child who was doing something ridiculously out of their capability. This combined with a lack of a masculine role model has left me with virtually zero skills with women and I still have never had a girlfriend at 23 years old.
I remember getting into a car accident and calling my mom to tell her. When I told her, she got angry and told me how it would raise the car insurance bill instead of asking if I was okay and safe (I had a speeding ticket and a minor fender bender in the past which raised the bill). She was mad at me for the rest of the night. I have always paid my own insurance no matter the price and it wasn't an issue to me.
Almost every major life decision I've made since I was 17 just isn't good enough for her. It feels like no matter what I do to try and improve myself as a human being she will try and find a way to be abrasive about it and subliminally discourage me. Ex: when I was weightlifting and gained more strength ane feeling better than I ever had in my life, she complained about how the food I bought took up space in the refrigerator.
Are these narcissistic traits? I don't understand why she would act this way when I'm sure she would say she cares about me if I asked her. I feel like I have nobody in my life who cares about me. I am completely alone. I have long lost all of my friends and my own mother has always treated my existence like an unpleasant inconvenience.
How should I deal with my relationship with her?
Submitted November 03, 2016 at 11:53PM by mattbrah http://ift.tt/2fzykmB raisedbynarcissists
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