Around last Thanksgiving a casual friend of mine (gay male- which I only bring up, because this is not a "he hit on me" situation), told me at a Friendsgiving that he was getting kicked out of his current roommate situation, because the roommates (married couple) were very particular about their house, and annoyed if he did anything outside his room. They felt he didn't respect the house.
He is a PhD student, with very little income and was at a loss for what to do. He needed cheap housing, quickly, and the options were just not there.
I have a 2 bedroom home. I work a lot, have 3 pet cats, and like to be at my boyfriend's a 3-5 nights a week. I had just started a renovation project when we started talking, and was thinking of hiring a cleaning lady after it was completed, to help me keep up ($125 to $150 every two weeks). Everything I knew about this guy told me he was pretty reliable, and I told him that I could instead offer him the extra room, and in lieu of rent/ utilities, he could help me with feeding the cats when I'm not home; so I don't have to stop back to check on them before work, and keeping the house clean. I drew up a lease with an addendum, stating the specific responsibilities (cut and pasted below):
In lieu of monetary rent, Tenant is responsible for basic upkeep of the house ADDRESS (also referred to as “Premises”). This upkeep includes the following:
Kitchen
a. All dishes washed daily, so as no significant dishes remain in sink next morning
b. Wipe down counters after each meal preparation/ eating in kitchen
c. Keep refrigerator and cabinets organized
d. Sweep floor daily
e. Swiffer mop floor 1x per week
f. Regular mop floor 1x per week
g. Wipe down appliances and cabinets as needed
h. Take out trash, as needed
Living/ Dining area
a. Sweep/ Roomba 3x per week
b. Mop 1x every 2 weeks
c. Keep mail organized
d. Wipe down surfaces as needed
e. Wipe down place mats after meals
f. Organize mail
g. Keep surfaces clean of stray items
Bathroom
a. Wipe down sink, tub, toilet, shower and window sills 1x per week
b. Mop 1x every 2 weeks
c. Trash, as needed
Laundry Room
a. Sweep 1x per week
b. Mop 1x every 2 weeks
c. Keep organized
Hallways/Stairs
a. Sweep/Roomba 3x per week
b. Mop with wood cleaner 2x per month
Tenant shall not be responsible for any of the following:
-
Cat litter boxes
-
Basement
-
Master bedroom
-
LGTrowaway3036's laundry (if it is dry, in the dryer, and you need to use the machine, place in basket in her room- she will do the same)
Exceptions:
Tenant agrees to care for cats on a short term basis, with reasonable advance notice (48 hours for periods longer than 1 day).
Tenant will assist with maintenance of outdoor areas (watering, sweeping), as needed.
To begin this story, about half this list wasn't regularly done. The renovations took longer than expected, and left us in a tricky situation for a couple of months, so I wasn't too bent out of shape about it at first, but after most of the stuff was cleaned up, it became an issue and I let him know. He apologized and promised to get better. Things were better for a week or two, and then it started sliding again. I said something again (at this point we've had at least 3 conversations about it). It was also around this time that I also started noticing that if I came home late, the door was often left unlocked (we live in a "gentrifying", but not so safe area of a major city). I said something to him about this months ago, and have had to have the conversation at least once a week since, as it has still been a major issue. The door is unlocked at least half the nights I come home (after he is asleep), and is often unlocked if I stop home before he wakes up in the AM. I don't even want to know how many nights it has been left unlocked all night.
We've had multiple conversations at this point about the basics being done, but many still aren't. Honestly, most weeks the house looked better when I was living alone, and was regularly upset that I wasn't keeping up. Basically, someone was living for free, and making my house look shittier.
For example, the (rarely used, separate) bathtub hasn't been wiped down once since he moved in, except by me, on the occasion I want to take a bath (or just can't handle how it looks, and have to scrub it out. Instead of doing the things on the list (which in an 1,100 SF house would take him 30-45 minutes a day, and a couple hours on the weekend), he'll waste his time on dumb stuff that is not on the list, like washing windows, putting a god awful, shiny, sticky sealant on my kitchen floors, and scrubbing walls. He often claims to have fed the cats, but I come home to find their bowls empty (fed properly, their food lasts all day). He also leaves the coffee pot on regularly, so I come home/ downstairs to burning coffee.
So basically, I have scrubbed walls, shiny windows, and a shiny, sticky kitchen floor, but my cabinets are too disorganized to close fully, the fridge is never clean, almost all of my laundry bins are regularly in his room, I have to spend a half hour scrubbing a tub if I want to take a bath, the shower is typically gross, the counter tops are rarely wiped after he uses them (he knows it's a super pet peeve of mine if they aren't wiped down after every use, because the granite hides dirt too well, I'll come down in work clothes, put my elbow in something, and have to change), and I can't trust that my cats are fed/ the door to my house is locked, unless I am there to do it.
I know this guy is struggling, and I don't want to make it worse; but I also don't want to be taken advantage of, and this seems like a pretty typical behavior pattern for him. He agrees all over the place, doesn't do what he needs to, apologizes, plays the victim, promises to do better, gets sympathy, is given 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th chances, and every time it is bought up to him that he still isn't doing what he needs to, comes up with some other version of "I don't understand, because I did all of these things that I wasn't asked to (but not the things he was), and I'll try harder!".
Since moving in, I've found out that he has been kicked out of one academic program for similar issues in that area of his life. He was on academic probation at his current program, had a previous ethics (cheating) issue, and was almost kicked out for another ethics issue this year, since moving in. He is now on double probation, has maxed out his federal loans, added a year+ to his programming (and obviously expects that this deal will extend for that time), and is still failing to meet academic expectations/ blaming everyone else for his failures, even with several advisers sitting on top of him.
Anyway, this guy is a nice guy, and I still consider him a friend, but I'm at a loss. It benefits me to have someone else there, but I feel like I can't trust him with my house, and that's all I'm getting out of this. My boyfriend calls him "my child" and comments (not incorrectly) that his 7 and 10 year old follow directions better/ are more accountable. My best friend comments that he's doing less chores than were expected of me as a high school student living at home, still not able to do them, and putting my house/ cats at risk.
Do I try (another) 30 day probation? Do I give him his 60 days notice to find another place? Am I being too harsh?
I just feel like although I like having someone at my house, it has to be someone I trust/ is keeping the house in better shape than I was able to alone, on my schedule, or they need to pay rent. I live close to several universities, and if I posted this on their housing pages, would have several grad students who would actually follow through with these responsibilities, jump at the deal. Right now, I'm sort of paying for everything, with little return.
The other suggestion I get is to move in with my boyfriend, and rent my house out, but that is NOT an option right now; and won't be for at least another school year. It's not fair to his kids to have me around all the time, after less than a year, and I don't think it's wise to give up separate living spaces in that short amount of time regardless.
tl;dr: I let a financially strapped, PhD student friend live with me rent free, in exchange for house sitting/ cleaning services. He isn't holding up his end of the deal, and also regularly leaves my door unlocked. We've had several conversations about this over the last 6-7 months, and though I like the guy, I'm at a loss and feel I'm being taken advantage of. Do I kick him out?
Submitted July 25, 2016 at 08:38PM by lgthrowaway3036 http://ift.tt/2a4yEDT relationships
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