I've finally cut ties with my father. It's only taken me 41 years. I know this isn't a contest, but He is not the worst narcisist. Also why I havent cut ties with him earlier.
The list of his transgressions are long. The swift and physical punishment when any offence was comitted as a child, up until I was 15. Gaslighting and thoughtcontrol and finally as he is dying of cancer giving all his possesions to his new wife. Or maybe not giving, but she has it until she dies at which time inheritance will happen - in about 20 years. Including my younger siblings childhood home with all their memories and the few good things they want to remember. They are 19, 25 and 28 years old.
Here is what I wrote him, it is translated from my native tongue, so it doesn't come across as well written as it does in danish:
Til (His name)
I am signing the document that lets (new wife) (keep things until she dies). My attitude has not changed since you last asked, it's your money and you can do with them what you want. I hope you spend it all before you die.
Behaviour is like freedom of speech. You are free to say and do what you want - no one denies your right to it, but we are free to respond to your behavior as we please.
For me this was the last straw. Your behavior over my minor siblings is in my eyes unforgivable. Your managenemt of your inheritance is inexplicable. You're giving their childhood home away without leaving them a single memento. no outstretched hand, not even a finger. A single object to them could have shown them that you had the least care and love for them. It does not appear that you have any. You show with all the clarity that (new wife) is not just your great love, but your ONLY love.
A few years ago I was at (new wife) and yours wedding. It became a bit awkward at some points, since none of your children held a speech, something one would expect when you have 7 of them. I actually wrote a speech at the time, but thought it would be best to keep it to myself on the day. But you are getting it now instead. It is written while my smaller siblings were still not invited to the wedding.
here is what I wrote in march 2015:
The Yellow speech (reference to a danish movie called "festen" - watch it!!)
Dear DummyPeter-whippingboy, This is your yellow speech,
That is the name you have chosen for yourself. I guess it is because you think it's a name you deserve. It's actually a little funny because it's a name I know very well. It was my name for many many years. In fact, it was the only thing I was called the time I lived at your home.
You see, the role of victim Dad proclaims himself to be to concerning his children as scapegoat, that was me during the time I lived under my father's roof. And I could not bear it.
Some years ago my older sister wrote a letter, I call it a letter, but it was never meant to send it to anyone. It was mostly for her own sake, I think. I've had the privilige to read it and will quote parts of it:
"(Calipygianman could not tolerate the treatment we got. He broke every time. It was like if he was beaten directly on his soul. When Dad raised his hand to strike, he flinched, hunched his shoulders and started sobbing - raising his arms to soften the blows. On vacation, when Calipygianman was 15 years old, dad raised his hand, it had been a while since he last hit us, we were getting too big. And yet again, Calipygianman helplessly began to cry, curled together - and it was before he had ever been touched. "
These are (older sisters) words. You hit us. In all possible situations, as a natural part of our upbringing, but also in anger and out of impotence. There were no justice in how you raised us.
She continues:
"When they had a clash, I found Calipygianman in his room in the basement, crying, and repeating:" There is nobody who loves me, dad hates me, I'm not worth anything ". I could just hold him and say that I loved him, and mom loved him, and he was good enough and dad was wrong about him. "
You were wrong. I'm worth something. I know you never told me I wasn't worth anything and you've repeatedly said in my adult life how proud you are of me and how beautiful I've done, how well I am.
It does not matter at all.
You showed me my entire upbringing that I could NOT do anything right and only deserved your disapproval and punishment. So, I am now in a situation in my life with lovely children, an education, a job I'm happy with and I'm something to be fucking proud of. But none of it is to your credit and I will no longer allow you to feel proud of accomplishments you had nothing to do with. I'm not who I am because of you. I am who I am IN SPITE of you.
So what was it I did to deserve all that punishment? Alle those slaps to my face? We did not just get in trouble or hit for not doing as we were told, we got in trouble for not smile while we did what you asked us to. or if we didn't speak grammatically correct or used slang in our language, if we didn't close the door, didn't say 'ok' at the right time, being late, saying to many bad jokes, to forget the other coffee cup when we set the table, for reacting when we got teased by you, or for at pulling our head back when we got hit.
It was like living in a totalitarian regime. Random use of power, thoughtcontrol, any attempt at rebellion was struck down with extreme use of force and disproportionate to the transgression. I used to say that I had learned to survive in your home. I just had to behave perfectly, say the right things, do the right things, cooperate beyond ability. It was never enough though - I always punished.
I could continue for an hour with anecdote after anecdote about this distant past. Many of the stories you already know and I understand you have told (new wife) of them. That's why I also feel I'm not spoiling something with this - you've shown you have nothing to hide.
You know you fucked it up and have sometimes shown sincere remorse over your treatment of me and my oldest sisters.
It would be a beautiful fairytale if the monster from my childhood had improved and now was a new and better human being, a good person even.
That is not the case, is it Hr. Dummypeter-whippingboy?
Because just like Stepsister was told youngersister-1 was bad, naughty and disobedient until stepsister herself became a teenager and youngersister-2 heard how awful stepsister was, until youngersister-2 became awful and youngersister-3 had to hear how bad stepsister and youngersister-2 were. Since I left the household, the title of whippingboy was taken on tour. It lay heavily on stepsisters shoulders for many years. For example, the cause for your lost marriage with ex-wife-2 was laid solely by stepsisters's feet while calling her calculating and scheming-and that she had now had her way.
My sister "Stepsister" that I have known since she was 1½ year old. I was there when she learned to walk and when she learned to talk, I read aloud to her and I love her the same as all my other siblings. I always say we are a siblings of 8, even if you do not want to recognize her as such, father.
Stepsister, who is one of the best and wisest people I konw. In spite of again and again with all possible clarity, was shown that she was not as good as her siblings. I do not know if she still has her Slytherin T-shirt you bought for her while you bought Gryffindor t-shirts for the rest of the family, "it was just for fun".
Now you do not talk to my smaller siblings, your offspring. You have written them off, not even tried to invite them to this wedding.
This entire situation with my younger siblings is the reason you have taken the title of whipping boy. But the title doesnt quite suit you, it fits you like a pyjamas on an elefant. Let me be clear, you "get it". You "get it" from all your offspring
But to be a whipping boy the "getting it" has to be undeserved.
It's deserving to get it if you throw your 15 year old son out of his home only because he dented the refrigerator and then at first out of fear denies it first and then wont apologize. Then he was no longer welcome in your home.
You deserve to "get it" if you then stop paying childsupport to your exwife since your son no longer lives with you
You deserve to "get it" if you tell you teenage son that if you had to choose between him and your new girlfriend, you would choose her every single time
You deserve to "get it" when you badmouth your offspring to whomever you feel.
It is deserved if you charge you oldest offspring with turning her younger siblings against you when all she did was lend an ear for them to speak of the treatments they were subjected to at your house, a shoulder to cry on.
You may have noticed that I have called my siblings and me for your offspring - not your children. For us to be your children you must behave like a parent, and we both know that you do not know how to do that when the child becomes a certain age. I understand why you cling to your post-it notes with its words of praise from a bygone era like Kim Jung Un is cheered on by people with a rifle at their back.
I do not want to hide that I have had a good functional relationship with you these last few years. I have taken what I could get, what I feel I deserve. I have used you. You invited me on vacation last year, you supported me financially when I was out of work and for those things I am grateful. I took them gladly - I see it as bloodmoney for the scars on my soul.
congratulations on your wedding - cheers!
Those were my words for you on your wedding day (dads name). You had deserved that I held the speech on the day.
I would like to ask you when you tell people how proud you are of your offspring and the success they have achieved in spite of you, you just add the phrase 'but I do not love them enough to get anything other than forced inheritance'.
I could continue this page up and down, but I know from experience as one of those who have spent the most time listening and discussing things with you, that when reality and facts go through 'dad-Filter', then there are only the shadows of reality you can live with left. No matter how far it is from the reality everyone else around you experiences.
Any reply to this mail will be deleted without being read, calls will not be answered.
I am done. The next time I see you you will be in your grave. You are the only person I know whose behavior ultimately disappoints consistently and always. You are the worst person I know.
Submitted June 19, 2017 at 03:33PM by Calipygianman http://ift.tt/2sJPzaQ raisedbynarcissists
No comments:
Post a Comment