I have a story recognizable probably by many of you. My parents divorced when I was 8. I never saw my parents being affectionate or loving one another in any way in my whole life. Starting at 8 my sister and I would rotate between parents' houses because of split custody. Mother was a crazy, yelling abuser who would barely even feed us. Often I would be punished by her for no reason and this was an excuse for her to not make food, so I went without dinner or other meals. She was constantly punishing me "disciplining" or "grounding" as she would put it, for "not being affectionate" enough towards her. How creepy is that? She constantly violated my personal space and would punish me for not being physically affectionate towards her when I was 8-13 years old. This was a time when I was alone in the house with her because my parents were divorced and my sibling and I would usually rotate to be in different households at different times. I hate to say it but this created serious trust and boundary issues with women. To this day I think this caused me to distrust women, and I hate that because I've had really great girlfriends in the past but my past issues messed me up and couldn't get me to really trust anyone.
I think the stress and lack of food also growing up stunted my growth possibly, as I was extremely skinny. I got picked on at school around this time, and also abused at home by my mom, so from already 9-10 years old I was already suicidal, without knowing what suicide was, I just felt like it was unfair that I was born into this. My father kind of ignored it all, and he was better in the basic parental duties of feeding me, taking me to school, and being a caring person. Thankfully he helped take care of me for those years until he remarried, at which point I was full time with my mom until I left the house. At that point I was more independent so I got a part time job and could feed myself. The house was a dark, dirty mess, with no food in the refrigerator.
They weren't all bad and did help me in some things, like helping paying for college. They both have their merits and did things I am still appreciative of. My father took me to lessons and martial arts classes, which I still do to this day and is one of my greatest joys. Ironically he doesn't really value or care for that because it isn't the kind of thing he personally does, but I appreciate it nevertheless because it was an effort he put in that was a great value for my life. My mother helped pay for college and got my father to pay his part, even though it was through a court order. They both had the means, as I found out very candidly in the court proceedings. I am not sure if I would have asked for that kind of recompense now as an adult as I would refuse any help, but looking back I'm glad it happened and perhaps it was a redeeming action by her. She also sent me to a week long music seminar one year in NYC which was a great experience for me as a young musician. These days I think she is mostly recovered from her more serious abusive and psychotic breaks. Despite the nice material support she provided to me as a young adult, what I really needed was a safe space (including respect for boundaries) and nourishment growing up, and that's what I never got.
But I'll never forget the constant abuse suffered at the hands of my own mother. It's pretty unbelievable to me now as an adult, and knowing parents who love their children, why anyone would ever treat their kid that way. Maybe it was the divorce, maybe it was being in a new country, I'm not sure. Whatever the case, I was the punching bag and free therapy for my mom, and my dad basically just let it all happen and peaced-out when I was 13.
The real reason I'm ghosting out now is because they haven't moved on from their own unconscious ways. My mother never acknowledged her abuse of me and my sister, which was constant, extremely toxic and damaging, and it's a miracle we survived it. Although my sibling and I have both suffered addiction and depression as a result, but I'm not really too sure how she's doing as she's significantly older than me so I don't have a relationship with her. My father is still a self-centered egotist who belittles us in every conversation, and only cares about himself and his accomplishments. Again, nothing about caring for us, ever, except for a few years when it was something he fancied doing, but never before that and never after that. Every time I talk to him he doesn't acknowledge me as a human being and just talks about himself for the entire conversation literally until we hang up. I always end my conversations with him feeling diminished and drained. My mother has conveniently forgotten everything that ever happened in our broken home, and now fancies taking credit for my accomplishments as an adult. Never mind not being able to sleep well at night because I didn't eat or because she leaves the TV on loud all night. Honestly I feel sorry for them, but I won't let myself be a Stockholm syndrome victim and stay attached to my abusers.
My only wish now is to go my own direction, especially in the spiritual path. To find peace and happiness in this lifetime is the only goal I feel is worth achieving, for me. The material successes I have made so far, others will point to as "successful" indicators. To me, it's nothing. To me, all I want is to feel love, joy, peace, and happiness. I feel like either way, whether I cut off my parents or keep in contact, it will be difficult. But I think now the best thing I can do for myself is cut them off. I feel bad for them that I will be doing this, but I think the biggest source of disrespect that has happened and still happens in my life is from my own parents. Sad to say that, because many people have loving parents and cannot understand this. In a way what I'm saying is that in order for me to go on the next step in my life and spiritual journey, I have to stand up tall on my own and cut off the past. In the kindest, most compassionate way, but also a firm and un-regretting way. Cutting off the past as a way of moving on to more important horizons and vistas, that's all.
The good news is I already feel a tremendous amount of space and freedom open up as I confirm this decision. No longer am I tied to my parents expectations and judgments about what a successful person constitutes. No longer do I have to worry about what I will do for the holidays; I can volunteer or travel, or both! My love and compassion is meant to be shared with the world. I am not meant to be held down by karma.
I guess this is a public rant of sorts, sorry for the length, but it felt good to write it all out and who knows maybe someone will benefit from it? Feel free to comment or let it go by thanks :)
Submitted September 06, 2016 at 01:09AM by mobsyc http://ift.tt/2bZ814l raisedbynarcissists
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