Original post: https://redd.it/3pyggm Thanks for all the support and responses.
I finally sent an NC letter after a string of frustrating Facebook messages, including some serious gaslighting in the last one: http://ift.tt/1WzPb7q
Yesterday I sent the NC letter, post/letter text here: https://redd.it/3rjzq6
Lo and behold, instead of giving me the space I requested, I received 3 emails within 12 hours. Each getting a little more hostile: http://ift.tt/1WDfkNt I've got to admit, she's always been skillful at hoovering. I desperately want to respond to her accusations and to point out all the lies, but haven't and hopeful will continue to resist the urge.
A little background if needed, a lot of what she says in her email won't make sense without some. Nmom physically abusive and verbally/emotionally abusive when we were kids (myself, SC NC Sister, and Brother who passed away last year) She's somewhere in cluster B, perhaps a little more borderline than narcissistic. She's always been very controlling and manipulative, even as I've been an adult for 15 years.
All the crap she wrote about me in college is totally inaccurate. I got a boyfriend my first semester away from home and she freaked out. When I came home for christmas break she stole my plane ticket, license, ss card, checkbook, etc and refused to let me return to school, enrolled me in the local community college and kept me confined indoors anytime I wasn't in class, not allowed access to phones, and was told I was not allowed to call boyfriend and could never return (had my belongings from college shipped back to me). It had nothing to do with illness (I got colds twice that first semester) If I had had the courage back then that I have now, I would have gone to the police and reported the kidnapping and theft. I thankfully escaped with the help of a friend and was NC for about 6 months before she sucked me back in.
I have been LC for the past decade or so, my brother passing was a catalyst for a lot of change in our family and old stuff being dredged up.
I have a positive relationship with my bio-dad and his side of the family now. She likes to insinuate that the only reason why I have a relationship with them is so I can "get a free vacation at the beach". She did not allow them in our lives from about age 7 and on and always talked about them like they were monsters. She claims spousal abuse from bio-dad, I can't remember a time when they were together so I don't know if its true. I do know that she has exaggerated and made up claims of my step-dad being abusive towards her. What I saw was her pushing step-dad's buttons, following him around the house when he would try to get away from her, continuing to push and push and push until he would break and yell at her, and a couple of times I saw him shove her out of his face when she would continue to push his buttons. Then she would call the cops and report him. I feel like I can't blame him for those things, she is so skillful at pushing people to their breaking point. I also have a positive relationship with step-dad (they have been separated for 5+ years). He can be a bit of an Enabler for her, but he has always treated me with kindness. I guess this makes me a daddys girl according to her. Meanwhile she would spank, hit, slap, kick us kids, scream in our faces, make us cower in corners while she stood overhead and threatened. At one point I was sure she might plot to kill us, she made it so clear that she hated us and wished we had never been born. I used to secretly wish she would die in a car accident and then feel awful for having such thoughts. When she wasn't in a violent mood, she was depressed and "sick" in bed for days at a time, insisting on a silent house (no tv, no radio). Sometimes her abuse was just emotional, the slutshaming and body shaming that I have posted about. Constant controlling, I was never allowed to leave the house or go out with friends other than school, church and a few school activities. She kept our refrigerator locked so she could control what and when we ate (thanks for the eating disorder mom) She drove me to high school everyday, which was literally 2 blocks away from home. I often had to go to my first period wearing sunglasses because my eyes were red and puffy from crying over whatever argument we had just had. There was a school club/team I got involved in that made me super happy and empowered. She made me quit before senior year.
I hate that after I left home my younger brother was trapped with her, she forced him to homeschool and he had zero social life for years. He struggled with depression and anxiety his whole life. He told me a story once that he was too scared to get up in the middle of the night to pee because she would yell at him for waking her up (small house) so he would pee into jars in his room. He hated her guts and he left home at 18, but didn't know how to extricate himself fully and remained involved and in the same state. He died unexpectedly in an accident last year.
Sorry I ended up going way more into the history stuff, but anyways the deed is done. I don't want her in my life, but Im open to reconciling in the future (guilt? obligation?), I just don't think she will ever change. The scariest part of her email response is the "see you at christmas!" I haven't spent xmas with her in 10+ years and have made no plans to do so this year. She knows where I live and now I fear she will fly out here and try to visit without being invited.
Thanks for reading my word vomit. I appreciate any support or advice.
Submitted November 06, 2015 at 02:56AM by canoodlekerfuffle http://ift.tt/1Hdka2k raisedbynarcissists
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