Daamn long post guys and gals Hello dear redditors!
To begin with, english is not my first language and I'd like to apologise for any typos, bad grammar, lacks in vocabulary and general lack of perfection. Im constantly trying to improve my english skills and this post is also another chance to do it so I'd appreciate if you took time to correct me language-wise.
Never thought I'd post there but I couldn't find a person in real life who I could talk to about this clusterfuck of a life and ask for advice. This is mainly due to my past experiences with sharing my bad secrets with people, which caused me not to trust basically anyone with anything and that I don't really believe that anyone who haven't lived throught simmilar stuff could fully comprehend.
Im pretty sure that there is not easy way out of this situation and I'll be stuck living the same way atleast a couple years more. What Im asking for is advice how to cope with it and make the most of my life, especially in terms of my mental health and damage control.
I live in a central-eastern european country (EU member state). Im 22 years old and currently starting my three month summer break from university. I live with my parents and Im their only child. I don't have to pay for the University as it is free there, thought for that reason it is pretty low quality. The field I study in is actually quite enjoyable and interesting to me but there is no chance that it could get me a job on itself. The general economic situation in my country, especially in my region is also pretty bad and it is virtually impossible for people my age to get a job that would let you sustain a decent standart of living and live on your own without help from your parents.
My mother is around 55 years old and working a low paying job. My father (rougly 60 y.o) has a decent paying job for local standards. They are not in a lot of debt and they own the place where we live but we are all stuck living paycheck to paycheck and it's not going to change mainly due to general situation in the country. If it's going to change it might only change for worse I suppose. My grandma (fathers mom) is living with us because she needs help in everyday life. We get little to none help to tend to her from our family.
My father has had a Xanax perscription for some sort of a magical or mythical disease that noone knows much about, even himself, and been abusing alcohol at the same time since when I was around 8-9-10 y.o. When he is not drunk he is a totally clear thinking person able to reason, albeit visibly depressed and easy to get pissed. He takes xanax probably everyday coupled with a few beers every other day, thought i suspect he also drinks a small to moderate amounts every day in secret. He is obviously addicted to both. He says that xanax and alcohol is the only way for him to keep going to work.
Shit really started going down badly when I was about 11 or 12 years old. I don't really remember it clearly but I'll try to write down everything I remember. Something small triggered him to become extremely violent for a week or more, his anger mainly directed to my mother. No words got to him, he had this blank stare of total chaos, he blamed my mother for all the bad things that ever happened to him. He started running around with a knfie and threatening my mother. I was in pure shock and grabbed a knife myself to I guess protect my mother. Thankfully we didn't start knife-fighting but now I also was his target. He called me a traitor, all the possible insults, called me weak (becase I didn't stab him, if i remember correctly). Some time later my mother and I got out of the apartment and she called the police. The police came shortly after and done basically nothing.
One thing you have to understand is that the authorities don't really provide any help in such situations where I live. When they came to my house all they've done was taking my father away and putting him in a holding cell till morning, telling my mother to hide all the the knives under the refrigerator when he comes back and asking her if she wanted to file for something called a blue card, which is basically a piece of paper worth nothing. Leaving him alone and going to live somewhere else was not an option as noone from our family could help us at the time or now and the state itself very rarely provides accomodation comparable in standards of living to a dogs shed, also in a really really bad part of town. Nothing changed in that matter since these years. The police asked him if he was abusing his family, to which he replied he wasn't. They believed him, or more likely they didn't have enough proof to really do anything. He could be arrested if he physically harmed one of us i guess. Now he got even more mad at my mother when he came back, she was a traitor now aswell. In his eyes, her having called the police made her the bitch, the traitor, human trash etc. For him it's always my mother to blame.
Situations like these happened dozens of times since the first one. There are peroids when nothing bad happens for a good few months or even over a year on one occasion and he is a decent husband and father then. Everything goes back to normal. This shit happens out of nowhere most of the times. He also has these peroids when he is drunk and on xanax for lenghty peroids of time all the time except for when at work but he doesn't get violent unless something sets him off, which seems to be anything really. Often it is like he overheard something and he is sure that everyone is plotting behind his back. He never remembers his faults after he goes out of the retard cycle. It's worth to mention that it's usually my mother who gets all the rage spilled on her, but you never know what he is going to go on about.
All that stuff made me skip a load of social situations and I never became the social butterfly.
This shit over the years coupled with bad financial situation cost me a great part of my social and romantic life. I had serious episodes of depression and anxiety. I have been fat and not attractive for the most of my life untill last year. It's much better now, I feel much healthier and confident but I still cant get the around the fact of some girls being attracted me to the point they are. I never had a real relationship with a woman, only short flings and occasional ONS. I don't see a point in having a partner anymore and I think it's going to stay that way. It's not really a big problem to me nowdays but I guess im not going to ever get married and start a family. I don't really have a concept of how a proper family should work in my head. Im afraid I could become my father.
To add to all that crap I was bullied in the first year of high school when I landed in a class with almost exclusively girls, probably because I wasn't attractive. I will never comprehend how a human being could be so vicious and nasty. They were even worse than my father because he clearly has a mental condition and they've done that while sober. And only a few of them were bad to the core, you would consider the rest perfectly decent human beings if you didn't know what I went throught thanks to them. It all went away when I changed class on the next year and found some new friends and I lived a decently happy life till graduating from high school (somehow father didn't have many fits of rage and drinking during these 2 years), but it kind of sealed the deal for me about not treating women seriously or ever trully trusting them. I've met many great women in my life who became my friends or short term lovers but when i get close to someone all the memories come back. I don't hate women, It's more like im indifferent to them on the emotional level.
After high school I took up one course but I was really bad at it and hated it so i dropped out. Had some medical problems and had to have a surgery followed with a few months of rehab. Most of my real and loyal friends left to study in different cities and I rarely see them. I've lost contact with many people since then. During the time i wasn't studying and when I started the new course last year the fathers bad behaviour happend a good couple times again and I was too overwhelmed with it to make any new friends in the university. The only good thing about the time I wasn't studying is that i've lost all the fat and im actually decent or even good looking for the first time of my life and if i put in some more work in my fitness i might turn steaming hot. Not being ugly really helps you in life and the fat acceptance movement is bullshit (I know it might anger some of the redditors but I had to vent a little. Ugh. Its okay now folks, lets carry on with the topic)
As of now I got a few real friends i see from time to time and some people with whom i occasionally socialize (most of them from outside of the university i study at right now). I managed to reconnect with some of my old friends a short time ago. As of now I'll do everything to get any kind of a job so I could atleast have some degree of freedom for myself and I'll look for opportunities to make real money in the future. If anything good came out of all this for me it might be that Im not as emotional as most people and regular life problems dont throw me off track at all. I can take a lot of bad crap and pain now and after dealing with my father for so many years I don't really fear any man anymore.
I don't really know how I could stay sane living the simmilar life for a few more years. I feel kind of left out behind when I compare myself with my friends who are much better off in life so I try not to compare myself to other people. I want to go about this as rationally as I can as with everything else in my life. I completely hate to view myself as a victim and Im gonna fight the fuck on no matter what happens but I need practical pragmatic advice. I guess if i work hard and smart enough it might turn out much much better for me than it is now but the problems I wrote about are often overwhelming and make me go mad at times. How do I basically wait out the shittiest peroid of my life and actually make some progress? Also: what to do when father enters the retard mode if I can't run anywhere. How to help my mother (and the father if it would be at all possible which i doubt) when I finally start living on my own?
tl;dr Father is abusive at times and dependent on xanax and alcohol. Stuck living with said father mother and grandma in a bad financial situation. I will have to live the same life for a couple more years. Asking how to cope and not go mad:
Submitted July 02, 2016 at 11:17PM by notime2thinkofaname http://ift.tt/29d0ApV relationships
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