Chapter 50: Interactive Education
“What is it?” Allysse Palaiologos asked as the man walked into the room. As usual, she was in the study. There was a new addition to the room. Joyeuse, the sword which she borrowed from the Hagia Sofia, was lying safe in its glass case, sharpened and polished every day by Sporus. It was the first object that glistened in the morning when the sun’s rays passed through the windows.
The painting of Charlemagne and Mother was in the usual spot. Allysse was reminded that by her age, Mother had already conquered and pacified not only the Carolingian Empire, but also carved the Holy Land from the Abbasids. And what has she done? Colonized a few measly planets? Invade a couple of primitives? Get enslaved by the beans? It wasn’t like Allysse was trying to make herself great and well-known. Not like her war-mongering, ruthless Mother. But she wanted to be strong enough to at least keep the Romanoi safe. Throughout her vacation, she had met hundreds of thousands of citizens who wondered if their home world would be the next to be bombarded. While the Imperium was independent, there were many who remembered the carefree days before they entered the galactic stage.
Allysse thought she had done it. Achieved peace for now. But for some ridiculous reason there was infighting in the Ter Meku black hole. True, she knew there were hostile aliens there for decades, and true, technically the black hole fell within the jurisdiction of the Romans. But that didn’t mean they were going to war with them. At Senatorial gatherings, some scientists (probably under Henrietta’s control) said that this Abyssal Horde was of the utmost threat to FLACID communications. They wouldn’t want the entire Imperium to experience what happened on Alpha Centauri Prime, after all. Lies, probably. Planted by Henrietta? Most likely.
God. What was Henrietta planning? Allysse felt uneasy about her, ever since she became a Senator. No, before that. Ever since she murdered her son, Constantine. Was it revenge? Pure and simple as that? No. Allysse had a feeling in her gut that it was more than that.
...and it was unrelated to how Albert Pitt was staring at her enlarged abdomen.
“Stop staring at my stomach,” she said crossly.
He was still looking at it. “May I touch it?”
“No. Do you have anything better to do other than barge into my office for the umpteenth time?”
“You know, for the past few months I never believed you were actually pregnant. I thought you lied to Henrietta to get a reaction. I can’t believe you figured out how to have sex.”
“I am so glad my Chief of Society thinks so highly of me.”
“You have any names yet? I’ve got a good one.”
“Albert,” Allysse said sternly.
“Wow, how did you guess?”
“That was not a—oh, forget about it. Can you please fucking get on to why you’re here? I’m stressed by this fucking Abyssal Horde and Henrietta and all these plots and schemes. Oh, and all of these fucking hormones.”
“Women,” Albert muttered. “Oh, there was a rumor going around. Something about you wandering around in the middle of the night to find a refrigerator. Is that —?”
“No,” she interrupted.
“Women get very hungry during pregnancy. You have to feed the baby too after all. So I won’t judge and—“
“No.”
“After all, I am the Chief of Society. I know that women get very emotional during these times. I won’t laugh if you admit that you have been sneaking around the Imperial Palace to find—”
“Albert Pitt, if you don’t fucking tell me the real reason why I’m in here, I’m going to personally kick your ass.”
“But you’re pregnant. You shouldn’t move much. Much less kick me.”
“I swear to God I’ll tear my baby out of my stomach right now and strangle you with the umbilical cord.”
“That’s not very mother-like?”
“And then I’ll stuck in the fucking fridge where I’ll tear you apart into at least fifty fucking pieces and I’ll eat every single fucking piece raw every day until I shit it all out which I’ll force feed to every single one of your family members.”
“Um, the Jogollwa Confederacy declared war on the Divine Hazar Order.”
“And once your extended family shits you out I’ll use it as fertilizer so I can grow some fucking beans that I can force feed to the Thembolans. And then after roasting them with Greek fire I’ll fucking churn it up into a fucking soylent that I can present to Henrietta on the fucking anniversary of the day we fucking won the Civil War.”
“Imperator! Did you hear me?”
Allysse took a deep breath. “Yes. Now did you hear me? Do you understand the consequences?”
“I am more concerned about the mental health of the undisputed Imperator of the Empire, but yes.”
“Undisputed?” Allysse said, letting out a quick bark of laughter. “Ha. My approval ratings are dropping by the hour. Not like it matters since I can’t really get impeached. But people are mad that we’re experiencing massive inflation, and people are mad about the whole Abyssal Horde situation.”
“The Abyssal Horde situation?” Albert asked. “This is news to me. I thought you were neutral about the topic—at least on the surface.”
“Why the fuck are you my advisor if you don’t know current events?” Allysse said. “I thought that would be the best position to take. But everybody fucking hates it. There’s fucking idiots who think I should devolve into full-scale war to wipe them out into oblivion. There’s some other people who fucking think that I should get the fucking navy out of there immediately. And there’s others who have no fucking better solution but bitch anyways. Jesus fucking Christ I wasn’t even the one who sent the navy there in the first place. Blame fucking Henrietta and the Senate. God, I can’t believe I made Henrietta Regent.”
“Yeah, that was a bad decision.”
“Fuck you Albert. Fucking bullshit ass law, saying I have to make the Heir the Regent. Might’ve worked back when Mother was still alive, but not now. I’m going to fucking repeal it as soon as possible.”
“Imperator, are you hungry by any chance?”
Allysse glared at her scientist. For the first time in over a couple decades, Albert Pitt actually shrank in size. The man cowered as the tiny woman seemingly loomed over him.
“Yes. I am hungry,” she said, breaking away and pressing a key on her computer. “Geoffrey, please get Sporus to grab something from the fridge. I’m in the mood for pickled boar.”
Albert wiped some sweat from his brow. “You’ve gotten a lot more, how do I put this? Daunting?”
“Daunting?” Allysse said, puzzled.
“Well, you seem taller. You know what I mean?”
None of the Basilissa’s previous rage was on her face. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”
“Has the Basileus been giving you any lessons? You actually give off the same sort of, hmm, aura.”
“Lessons? He hasn’t been teaching me anything,” Allysse said. “You make no sense sometimes. Wait, let me correct myself. You make no sense all the time.”
Albert laughed, and before she knew it, he had returned to his usual, arrogant, prickish self. “Only because you’re too stupid to understand just how genius I am, little miss Imperator.”
“Did you just call your Imperator stupid?”
“What? I do it all the time. In fact, you’re so stupid you’re not even replacing your computer with Solano’s administrative AI tech.”
“Geoffrey doesn’t need Solano’s upgrades,” Allysse said stiffly.
“What are you talking about? That piece of junk is ancient machinery. Twenty years is a long time in technology. Just bring it to the back of the barn and shoot it with a pistol. Donate the pieces to a museum. Or don’t tell me you’re getting all sentimental about a gift from the Immortal Imperator? I was under the impression you disliked her.”
“Geoffrey has been a great help over the years. He is good enough for my needs.”
“Please. Are you talking about his sniping skills? Most helmet AI is now good enough to avoid stuff like that. Or are you actually talking about his administrative capabilities? He’s slow. He might be considered top of the line in 2200, but it’s now 2232. Moore’s Law might not apply anymore, but it’s still significant.”
“Moore’s Law?”
“Imperator, please tell me you’re not serious. I thought you concentrated in computer science in high school.”
“Yeah. And I was only in high school for like two years before I became imperator. Don’t quiz me on outdated technological history.”
Albert Pitt sighed, finally settling himself into a chair. He plopped his feet and shoes onto the desk, and Allysse had half a mind to push them off, but for some reason she didn’t feel like it.
“So at the very least,” Allysse said. “You can tell me more about the situation between the Jogollwans and the Divine Hazar Order.”
“What do you mean? You’re asking me, a scientist?”
“You’re the Chief of Society. I want to know the causes for war between these two nations.”
“You’re stupider than I thought. You don’t know why these nations declared war on each other?”
“Dumbass!” Allysse shouted. Albert suddenly regretted his words as Allysse stood up, pulled Albert to his feet by his collar, and again glared at him.
“Of course I know the reason!” she yelled. “I just wanted to hear your thoughts about it!”
Albert Pitt told himself to never piss off a pregnant Allysse ever again.
“My apologies, Imperator,” he said. That seemed to relax her. She let go of his collar, plopping herself back into her chair and rubbing her stomach. It suddenly occurred to him that it was the first time he ever apologized to her.
“Well, I guess I’ll start with a brief history of the nations,” Albert said. “The Jogollwa are run by a theocratic republic. A desert home world rife with harsh environments, they’ve turned to their Gods for salvation. For centuries, they’ve fought for their precious little resources, and eventually, the planet was united under their version of the Pope.”
“Yeah yeah, I know. They’re our fucking next door neighbors.”
“Yes, Imperator,” Albert said, trying to keep his face stern. “Meanwhile, the Hazars have a system of government quite similar to ours; well, without the democratic or republican aspects. They’re led by a divine Emperor whose offspring serve as kings and governors. However, their planet wasn’t united by military force. Their people peacefully submitted to the first Emperor once he spread divine miracles through the populace.”
“Miracles?”
Albert didn’t comment about how Allysse didn’t know about such an obvious fact. “Yes. Ridiculous stuff like healing fatal wounds, duplicating alcohol, flying through the air.”
“That sounds an awful lot like Jesus.”
“Jesus’s miracles are an allegory. They’re not to be taken literally.”
“That sounds an awful lot like heresy.”
Albert Pitt looked tempted to retort with something witty, but he remembered the feeling of her fingers around his neck. “Anyways, like all wars, this one was started because of a fight over natural resources.”
“Oh? I didn’t hear about this.”
“Well, I’m saying that from the point of a view of a Chief of Society. For eternity humans and apparently xenoi have fought, and fought, and fought, over and over again for limited resources. This is no exception. Being neighbors, it was an inevitability that they would fight.”
“Stop being pedantic. I’m not here to listen to your thesis.”
“Right. Well, the main reason they cite to fight is because of differing beliefs. While both are deeply religious, the Jogollwa don’t understand the Hazar God. What kind of God promotes peace and understanding? Remember, the Jogollwas barely survived on a desert planet that sought to kill them. The Hazars hate that not only the Jogollwa worship multiple Gods, but also they are a republic. They reason the government should be ruled by only the chosen Emperor and his progeny.”
“This explains a lot,” Allysse murmured.
“I didn’t catch that, Imperator.”
“I said that explains a lot,” she said, a hint of a growl in her voice. Wow. It really did seem like she was taking after her husband. “For months now the mushrooms and the mollusks have been asking us for trade deals and intelligence. We’re similar enough to both empires so we’ve been friendly to both.”
“Will we choose a side?”
“Of course not. I don’t give a shit who wins. But.”
“But?” Albert asked.
“There is a lot of stuff on my shit list that I’ve been worried about. Stuff aside from the Abyssal Horde, the shutdown of Alpha Centauri.”
“Like?”
“The death of my advisors, Albert Pitt.”
“Oh,” the man said simply. For the first time in his life he was dumbfounded.
“With the death of Pedro Solano’s wife, that makes her, Patriarch Michael Komnenos, Admiral S’bu Chukwumereije, and Aoi Goto. I am entrusting that you are taking measures to ensure your longevity?”
“Me? The great Albert Pitt? Dear Imperator, nobody wants to kill me. I’m a national hero of science. My name will be recorded in textbooks for centuries. No hooligan is going to attempt to murder me of all people.”
“I am assigning some members of the Imperial Guard for your well-being,” Allysse said, ignoring him. “They’ll be following you 24/7. You are dismissed.”
“Please reconsider. I will not have guards follow me while I defecate in the—”
“I’m worried, Albert,” Allysse said. Albert wasn’t sure if it was the pregnancy. No, it had to be the hormones from the pregnancy. The Basilissa was looking at him with so much concern that again, he was stupefied. And with that, he murmured a quick goodbye, leaving the office as quickly as he had entered it.
“How was that, Geoffrey?” Allysse said as soon as the door clicked.
“Impressive acting, Imperator,” the computer beeped. “It’ll be months before he’ll complain about his new security.”
“Oh, I don’t know if I would call all of it acting,” Allysse said, rubbing her eyes. It had been a long day.
Submitted March 29, 2017 at 08:36AM by ClawofBeta http://ift.tt/2o8H9ar HFY
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