911 call transcript self

Dispatch: 911, what is your emergency?

Caller: Life is meaningless.

Dispatch: Sir, is everything okay?

Caller: Eh, alright. Not great, but alright. I've been in kind of a weird funk lately.

Dispatch: Are you in any immediate danger?

*Caller: Well that's kinda what I'm trying to figure out here. I've been having all these weird thoughts lately, and I got on Google and looked them up. It says I'm having an, uh, give me a sec. An exi... existential emergency. I don't feel sick or anything, but I'm not a doctor so I figured I should report it just in case.

[Pause]

Caller: Hello? Are you still there?

Dispatch: Yes, sir, I am still here. I am just trying to figure out what is going on. What is your emergency?

Caller: I just told you. I am having an existrendal [sic] emergency.

Dispatch: Sir, this line is for actual emergencies only.

Caller: Wait, so this isn’t actually an emergency?

Dispatch: No, sir.

Caller: Oh, thank God. That’s a load off my mind. So could you answer a few of my questions?

Dispatch: Sir, what is your location?

Caller: Did you hear me? I actually asked you something. This cheap phone is always cutting out. The reception has never been the same since I dropped it in that glass of Coke. It's also really windy here. I asked if you could answer a couple of questions I’ve been thinking about lately.

Dispatch: Sir, I am required by standard protocol to find out your location. Could you please tell me where you are?

Caller: Okay, sure. I'm at the park. The one across from the mall. It has all those trees and stuff. I'm sitting on the bench by the pond.

[Pause]

Dispatch: Please stay where you are. We have an officer on his way to your location.

Caller: Okay, that hardly seems necessary when we're already on the phone here. And we haven't even started talking yet! Anyway, I was sitting in my kitchen. The Bonanza mini-marathon was over, and my room mate Dave was out buying more turtle food, so I was really bored. I was so bored that I just sat by the kitchen counter and watched this lady bug climb up the side of the container of some pie. My mom baked it for me. It kept trying to climb up the side of the container, and every time it got up to the lip around the edge, it would fall off. Then it would get back up and try again. It just kept trying to climb this pie over and over. Over and over and over. Anyway, I--

Dispatch: Sir--

Caller: Hold on, I'm not done yet. Eventually my mind wandered off somewhere else, and somehow I ended up trying to fix the wobbly leg on the refrigerator. I eventually fixed it. Two index cards and a Gatorade cap. So as soon as I'm done repairing the fridge, I'm really excited to use it as quick as possible, so I'm like, "I should put the pie in there. That'll keep it good." So I walk back over to the pie, and I see the lady bug standing right on top of it! The little guy finally made it up the pie! Now it's right there, smack dab in the middle of it. Probably munching away on that thing like it's the last thing it'll ever eat. Then it turned out that it was, cause I swatted that little thing off the top of it and stepped on it.

Dispatch: Uh huh.

Caller: Then that's when all this crap started. I'm not sure why, but I looked at that lady bug, and then it just hit me. I'm that lady bug. So is everybody. All my life I'm trying to do stuff. We're all just trying to do stuff. Then we fail over and over, cause that's what you've gotta do to get what you want. It's okay though, because eventually we're gonna get up onto that pie, and it's gonna be awesome. But then when we finally get up there, even if it is awesome, anything can happen. Some guy can just smack you off the top of your goals and step on you with his new Nikes that just came in from the internet. Hell, he might do that before you even get on the pie! It's gonna happen at some point, so why do we even put up with it? What's the point of even trying to get on the pie in the first place? Do you get what I mean? Do you ever feel like that?

Dispatch: Is this one of your questions?

Caller: Sort of. I guess what I'm asking is this: What's the point of it all? Why do you keep going? Why should the lady bug keep climbing the pie?

Dispatch: Sir, are you sure everything is okay? Are you going to hurt yourself?

Caller: What? I'm just sitting here on a bench. It's probably the safest thing in the world. You're getting sidetracked. What do the smart people say about this? You're like, a cop or something. Aren't they smart? They're smart. What is the answer to this question?

Dispatch: I am not a police officer.

Caller: Whatever, man. Cop, firefighter, it doesn't matter. You're still not answering me. Tell me what the answer is. I'd really like to know.

Dispatch: [sigh] What you're asking is one of the oldest questions there is. Nobody has the answer to it.

Caller: Fuck! Really? Shit, can I say fuck on here?

Dispatch: What…? You can say whatever you want on here.

Caller: Okay, cool. I don't wanna get in trouble. So are you serious? Nobody has figured this out yet? What about like, Einstein?

Dispatch: Einstein was a physicist. This wasn't really his subject.

Caller: Damn, really? I mean, he figured out how to blow shit up better than anybody, and why stuff falls. You'd think he could figure this out. Why couldn't he?

Dispatch: I couldn't tell you. Sorry.

Caller: Are you sure you're a cop? I'm pretty sure there are SOME people that would have this figured out.

Dispatch: I told you. I am not a cop.

Caller: Well that much is obvious now. I'll talk to that one cop when he gets here. He'll know.

Dispatch: Okay. Is that everything, then? [Sharp inhale]

Caller: Yeah, that's just the first part. Maybe you'll know the answer to this next one.

Dispatch: [sigh]

Caller: So you know, the lady bug is climbing the pie, and it just kind of assumes that the pie is gonna be great. But what if it isn't? Like, what if the lady bug is really feeling some apple pie, and then it finally gets up there and then it's some kind of pie it doesn't like? Bumbleberry. I hate bumbleberry pie. So how do we know that what we're working for is the right thing? Like, we've all only got so much time to climb the pie. How do we choose which pie to climb? I mean, the lady bug only had one, but it could have gone over to the fridge where one corner of it was almost touching the ground. What if it liked something in there better? What if I get to the top of one pie, and it turns out it was bumbleberry the whole time I was trying to get to it? Then I see that all along there was an awesome looking key lime pie over in the fridge? Do you know what I mean?

Dispatch: Mhm.

Caller: There are so many things to choose from in life! What are the odds that I'm gonna choose the right one? It just seems so pointless to even try.

Dispatch: Sir, you've contacted an emergency phone line. We get calls like this sometimes. If you're thinking about hurting yourself in any way, you need to tell me.

Caller: You keep going back to that. I don't get it. Why would I hurt myself? If I'm gonna hurt anybody, it's gonna be Dave!

Dispatch: Excuse me, you're going to hurt Dave? Why are you going to hurt Dave?

Caller: That butt muncher ate my pie! I mean, I didn't want it any more anyway, after having some bug crawling all over it. Gross! But still, it's the principle of it. As soon as he gets back from the turtle fair, he's gonna be in a world of hurt!

Dispatch: Sir-

Caller: Please don't tell the cops I said that! I'm not gonna hurt him bad, just maybe like an Indian burn or something like that.

Dispatch: [sigh] Okay.

Caller: But yeah. All the pies. How on Earth are you going to climb all of them? Well, obviously not all of them, but you know what I mean. There are so many to choose from. I mean, I guess I could just do my best to get to as many pies as I can. At least one of them has gotta be good. Right?

Dispatch: Sure.

Caller: Wait. So maybe the point is to just do your best to get to all the pies you want. If you do your best, you should be able to get to at least, like, I dunno, three of them. Unless you're really unlucky, one of the pies will be satisfactory.

Dispatch: Okay.

Caller: Have people figured out the answer to this question?

Dispatch: Sort of.

Caller: So there's still some work to be done, huh?

Dispatch: Sure.

Caller: Okay, because I really feel like I'm getting somewhere with this. Thanks for your help. 911 is great. Now I see why so many people call you guys. Do you guys have like a Yelp page or something? I'll give you guys an awesome review.

Dispatch: 911 does not have a Yelp page.

Caller: Oh well. Anyway, we're getting side tracked again. So if I figure out the answer to this question, who do I talk to about it? Should I go to like, the mayor? Nah, that doesn't really doesn't seem like that kind of deal.

Male Voice: [Inaudible] received a 911 call from this location.

Caller: (Yeah, we're actually getting this sorted out pretty well on here though. I think I found out why to do stuff! I'll tell you about it in as second.) Sorry, 911 guy, I just got distracted. That cop you sent here keeps trying to talk to me. So anyway, we were just figuring out who I should talk to once I get this figured out.

Male Voice: Sir, please [Inaudible] right now.

Dispatch: You know, at this point, this is more on the side of police work than dispatch work. You should talk to him about it. And hang up.

Caller: Okay, I'll talk with him about it. We'll bounce some ideas off of each other and see how it goes. I'll see if I can set up a Yelp page for you guys.

Dispatch: Do not do that.

Caller: Okay, yeah, you're right. It should be you guys to do it.

Dispatch: Yeah, sure, hanging up now.

Caller: Goodbye!

[CALL ENDS]

Submitted September 04, 2016 at 10:20AM by OnIowa http://ift.tt/2cb99Ef self