I'm a 28 year old Asian male, and thought I was entering the prime of my life. I had my degree, a good paying job, the (white woman, the dream!) love of my life who I loved and who loved me in return, and I was well on my way towards my 5 year plan of getting married, having the 2 story home with the white picket fence.
We'll call her C. We met in college through a group of friends and it was fantastic dynamics. We talked so much and had a lot of similar opinions on things and were respectful of each other's interests. I broke up with her briefly after 6 months due to a lot of moving parts in my life around that time - parents divorcing, change in major and feeling like a failure, and suffering from being overworked and feeling extreme pressure to be there for my family and succeed in school/work at the same time. I was heavily debating suicide and chose to break it off with C to spare her feelings, but I couldn't do it and ended up going to therapy with her holding my hand the entire time. We spent 4 years together, before I proposed, she accepted, and we moved in together to see if we could really be together long-term. I moved across town to C's neighborhood, so C could be closer to her family, and to make her commutes to work easier.
We got along really well at first. Bought furniture, got a cat, we would watch shows and play games and go out and it was awesome. But I wanted more in our relationship. I wanted more sex. I wanted pictures of us to hang on the refrigerator, and I wanted to go out with my friends more, and have her there to enjoy their company, and go to the beach and be that power couple I always envisioned being. And she would rather stay at home and watch her own shows and read quietly and split her attention on the things I wanted and reading sappy novels and I was really upset that I couldn't get her to focus on me and what I wanted. I would do things like pick her up from work and have food ready for her, or surprise her with cooking/picking up breakfast in bed, and save up money to surprise her with trips around. And I wanted her to be motivated to succeed with me as well, but she instead never finished her bachelor's degree, she became stuck at her work and would always come home tired and upset and complaining about her situation, and aside from going out to eat and watching movies, rarely initiated any "lifestyle" outings like nights out dancing or planning trips to the beach or discovering new restaurants. The sex was already on the low side, but it basically became only when I begged for it. I spent many nights upset at myself for wanting more, when she was already going through so much in her life. I just wanted to help in any way I could.
I took her with me to a League of Legends event, with her meeting many of my online friends in person for the first time. They were very accomodating but she felt very intimidated by not being able to talk about the game, and so shied away from conversations. This was something she frequently did, doing her own thing after a while and I always felt responsible for making her happy, so I was always never fully engaged with my friends. At this event, I also hit it off with one of the girls (we'll call her H) in the group. We talked constantly after heading back home, with her issues with her relationship and me venting about mine. How I wanted to explore more intimacy with C, how she was struggling with her relationship with her man, and we eventually started sharing sexual desires and how they were compatible. One day, she invited me to go and hang out and watch a league event together. I lied to C, and said I was seeing more friends than just H, because C had disliked H from the beginning and I didn't want to cause a rift between two people I cared about. Nothing happened, though there was definite sexual tension. C went through my messages and saw that we had been sharing sexual desires and was extremely upset. I said nothing happened, that the only reason I had to share them in the first place was because of our problems and that she wasn't understanding of where I was coming from and why I needed to vent to someone else that wasn't her, and it's been downhill from there.
C asked me to stop talking to H. I tried multiple times, but the feeling of being upset, coupled with me trying harder to focus on our relationship and it not going anywhere, always made me go back. At first it was just "Hey, I hope you're doing okay. I just need someone to talk to right now," but then it became more about how we were interested in each other. H tried to move on from me with my pushing her, so that I could not feel the strings being pulled between us anymore. She tried to date a new person, but I had a nervous breakdown at the thought of her giving those kinds of attentions to someone else and I had her message me the entire time. Told her I cared for her, to not forget about me, and shortly afterwards they broke up because she cared about me too. I ended up calling off my engagement with C, because I could not truly say I wanted her to be my wife anymore after all that had happened. But after a few days away, I confessed everything to C and said I would try one more time to be the man she wanted me to be, if she would work on the things I needed her to as well. H was devastated when I said I needed to focus on me and C, and I felt like an absolute scumbag for it.
During the time that me and C were working on us (about 5 months), I had grown distant and afraid to open up. I had tried many times to tell her I wanted more sex, and to go out, to save money and cook more home things, and she didn't. I wanted to share new experiences with her, and she wouldn't. I offered to help her with her struggles in her life, and she wouldn't. So I started talking to H again, who forgave me for needing to focus on my life and we began to do things together. She talks to my friends. She plays WoW with me. She talks to me in the way I want to be talked to, makes me feel wanted like I wanted to feel wanted. And I am absolutely heartbroken that the woman I fell in love with and wanted to marry was no longer the person that made me feel loved and wanted, so I call the relationship off with C. I tell her to move out, I split our phone accounts, the whole thing. I fall into a massive depression because of this entire ordeal.
I try to do things that I've wanted to do more of. I go out with my friends. I start working out at the gym. I start seeing a therapist. I tell her how I feel conflicted about the way things happened with C, how she's a good person who didn't deserve my infidelity and my anger and my lack of attention when I wasn't getting what I wanted. I speak with my friends who say they think I am happier not being with C, but also tell me not to date H, who I am told throws herself at anyone who gives her attention and who ultimately might be the same type of woman as C down the road. I freak out, and fall further into a depression. I communicate with C, who tells me she is going to do things with her coworkers (who she'd been hating on for a while now) that she never did or had any interest in doing with me, and I snap. I show her the rage and anger that I'd always restrained from showing her because I loved her. She apologizes later, but I feel even more anger and coldness towards her for not caring about my feelings and how I had spent so long wishing for her to show any interest in me and my interests like that. I feel resentment towards H because of what my friends had said, and because I can't think of H without thinking of the pain I had caused C. I tell her right now we can only be friends while I work on me.
I completely hate myself right now for what I've done to two people who clearly love me and want to be with me. They both terribly want to be with me, and I am pushing them both away. I thought I was a good person. I thought I did the right things in life, always tried to be a role model for my peers and my family and now I feel like the lowest of scum. I no longer know what kind of woman I want, nor do I feel like I deserve one after all the pain and suffering I've caused. For the first time since college, I feel the twinges of thoughts in the back of my mind about hurting myself. All I wanted was to feel wanted, and needed, and that the things I wanted to accomplish in life were done. And now I no longer know who I am anymore.
Submitted March 17, 2017 at 11:59AM by MuseLoL http://ift.tt/2ng08iC confession
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