Hello Reddit. I didn't look through a lot of other threads but I feel like my situation is so serious I should be talking to someone that will help me make the right decision... but I am not sure who that person is. That is my biggest issue right now, which led to me posting this thread on reddit anonymously for advice.
Firstly, I love my wife. I am talking unselfish, accepting and self sacrificing love. Sometimes it isn't returned, sometimes she still thinks I hate her because of her depression, and sometimes I am betrayed but I love her all the way through every situation every time. There is no question of love.
Before Marriage she had shown tendencies to be depressed and self loathing, although not what I would consider too extreme. We have been married for 10 years and shortly before marrying I had one of her male friends contact me and tell me that she was telling them I was abusing her. I explained I would never do that and they essentially told me "Yeah, I only contacted you because it seemed very unlikely." which I am thankful for but understand the apprehension because if someone more abusive I could imagine that would only lead to more abuse. Needless to say I was upset and talked to her about it, to which she told me she never implyed anything of the sort. Over the next week someone else came forward and warned me as well but being young and in love (yet again.. still love her) I 'got over it' and married. Over the years she would fall into a deep depression or struggle without me seeing the signs.. and it normally ended up with me asking her if she was okay and then she would be evasive and eventually tell me that she didn't feel loved, was cutting etc. Throughout the relationship I would find out periodically that she would still say bad things about me and how I didn't love her etc. Things that I would find out about and improve on. Internet I know you don't know my character and everything here is a one side of the conversation but the way they were being conveyed to other people were extreme exaggerations that basically become lies. She told my own mother that I almost starved her and my first child because I spent all of my money on stupid things. We were getting $500 worth of food stamps at the time, as well as me buying food and a full refrigerator and pantry. Also, never once did she come to me and ask me for specific groceries other then texting me for the occasional candy bar or something to which I obliged.
Time went on until about 4 years ago when I heard someone texting on her ipad, and decided to look. I hate looking into someones private chats as I feel it is horrifically disrespectful and you should trust your spouse enough to not look, but on the flip side I would show if asked. Regardless, I was worried about my wife because she didn't tend to tell me how depressed she would be and something felt 'off'. 'Off' was a understatement. It turned out a year or so prior she had went home with a man drunk and slept with him. She claims she was extremely drunk and thought he was taking her home, and then woke up naked in his bed. I do not choose to believe or disbelieve this as I made my decision to stay with her in the end.
We have three kids now, who I all love very much. I don't know how divorced Dads do it as I would REALLY REALLY have a hard time in life without living with my kids. I love the noise in the house, the rooms full and even the difficult times teaching them or when they are cranky I look at fondly because it's natural and they are just so awesome.
Fast forward and I feel like something is off again, so I check her Facebook messages. If you guys don't feel like this is a morally correct choice I don't necessarily disagree with you but she has been acting unusual lately and I get desperate.
She has been drinking every night, and then telling me she wants to have sex. Drinking isn't unusual but doing it with the sex thing is. I think this is relevant so I want to mention it, she enjoys choking during sex. I often do it lightly but she tightens my grip on her. I will continue to do it lightly and sometimes it's even hard to have sex because I don't want to hurt her. This seems to be the only way she can climax sometimes.
I check her messages and over the past 4 months they are having discussions and her friend is telling her she has told her to call the cops etc etc. My wife is telling her that I hurt her and she has tried to get me to stop. Her friend is being very reasonable and asking why she hasn't talked to my mother, or the cops, or her parents etc. She has reasons for everything but specifically pointed at that she let something 'slip' with my mother and 'ended up with a broken rib'. I don't even know what that means reddit...For context I have never even smacked her playfully lol. When I found out she cheated on my I didn't get rough with her at all... Again I know I am a anonymous stranger but there is not benefit to me lying about this. I would never hurt my significant other, or my children, or my friends etc. That's just not the type of person I am. She is saying I am raping and abusing her, when she is provoking the sex.
So here is the kicker, the part that terrifies me. I can handle being lied about and looked down on by her friends (which it has always seemed like I am, because of what she tells them). She is also telling her friend that she thinks about killing herself. That she knows she can get a gun. That she has been thinking about blowing her brains out.
Yes, she is seeing a psychiatrist. Yes, she is taking medication as well. I know she is mentally ill, I have googled.. and searched.. and begged for her to get help, and cried and toiled over this the entire marriage.. so this is nothing new.
I feel like she needs help and I would literally saw off a limb if it 'fixed' her depression permanently. I don't know what to do to help with it anymore. I have calmly confronted her and expressed all of this over and over. She will act fairly normal at home and most days just go buy with me hugging her, her making content noises, drinking watching netflix etc. So it's not like every day is constant turmoil. We were even planning vacation later this month and sat down to plan things etc. It's probably more complicated then most people could imagine... most days SEEM good.. but she is also not telling me I am a horrible abuser (not because shes scared.. because its 100% not true) or that she wants to kill herself. So this is where my head is at:
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I have been with her 10 years and have considered divorce. I also want her to be better. These are very, very conflicting feelings. If I leave her it's probably not going to be better. Will she kill herself? Will she find comfort in drugs or something crazy? I stay for my kids which I will explain, and because I love her and I am scared for her. I love her reddit, I really do.
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If I left what would come of the kids? She is threatening to buy a gun and kill herself. I don't know what is being said on the other side of the conversation but her friend mentions that killing herself and/or the kids does nothing and is horrible etc. I feel really sure she wouldn't hurt the kids but it scares me. I know normally women get custody of the children and I would suffer through the most horrible marriage in the world to protect them for the next 15 years of their lives if I had to. A friend of mine has a ex that is a drug abuser and has outright told the judge he still smokes and drinks and he gets to see his kids moderated every other week, if my wife got custody I'm not entirely sure I could function as a human being. I also have the best job I've ever had at my life 40 hours a week. Family would support me I hope, but not sure how that would factor in. She has a part time job but has went through college and i'm not even sure she is making enough to take care of college fees when she is forced to pay them back.
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I am on reddit, I know this isn't professional advice. I don't know who to talk to. Do I talk to a lawyer? Do I talk to a psychiatrist? Do I talk to a marriage counselor? I don't want to talk to friends. Ironically I love my wife so much I don't want to talk bad about her to them. Plus, I don't know what kind of advice they will give me. My Mom and Dad would tell me to leave her and fight strongly for custody.. they can be passionate about those sorts of things. But just because they would fight passionately with me doesn't mean we would get custody of the kids.
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This sucks guys.. she can be loving and nice at home.. I just want to love and feel loved. I don't see any of this crazy abuser accusation stuff or her wanting to kill herself. Is the choking her wanting me to abuse her so she can live in misery? The human condition sucks! Suicide is horrible. Ive watched documentaries and recently finished s-town (spoilers?) things both concerning suicide and my heart cracks when I think about someone wasting their life. Her friend tells her she will go to hell if she kills herself. I am athiest so I don't see that reasoning but trust me when I say I love her so much that regardless if I am with her.. if she commitsuicide I would cry every day for the rest of my life.
I'm confused, hurt, sick to my stomach and it's hard to imagine life without her, but even harder to imagine life without seeing my kids or putting them in danger..
Submitted April 08, 2017 at 10:50AM by hurtingthrowaways http://ift.tt/2oSCJld relationship_advice
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