Just venting a bit and telling my story. I feel like I’ve been annoying everyone else with my problems lately and it makes me feel even worse. Putting this out into the void of the interwebs is therapeutic for me whether or not anyone reads it.
I've been struggling for the last year and a half. The last 8 months or so I've been seeing a therapist biweekly and last 4 months seeing a psychiatrist. Looking back on my past behavior, I believe that I've had depression and general/social anxiety all my life I just never put those words to it. Once I did it all just clicked. I used to think "It wasn’t me, it was them!" I wanted to change. I want to see the other side of being a human that I never could understand growing up.
All of my life I have had an extraordinarily neutral to negative attitude, low energy, poor self image, poor motivation and concentration, and poor academic performance that is not a reflection of my abilities.
In the last 1.5 years you can include feelings of being unwanted, paranoia about infidelity (me projecting because of my own past actions…), extreme overwhelming guilt (because of aforementioned past actions), loss of interest in previously pleasurable activities, wanting to do things but cannot some how, and thinking of taking my life and self harm. In drunken fits (don’t drink while depressed kids ;) ) I have smashed walls, punched a refrigerator and broke my pinky knuckle causing even more stress and anxiety because I could not afford to have surgery, and have had to be restrained by my boyfriend a few times wanting to hurt myself.
I used to focus all my energy on something negative effecting my life. The professor sucks, this company sucks for not giving me a chance for an internship, if I can't get one I'll be doomed, these people are stupid and fake, how are they so happy and smiley, etc. I believe that’s why I never thought I had depression or anxiety until recently.
Right now I have a good life and looks like it will only get better. I have things to look forward to, a wonderful partner, a good job in my field before graduation, and improving grades! “Then why are you depressed?” asks the random stranger. Because shit isn’t right in the noggin’.
The therapist has helped. It’s been nice to have an unattached 3rd-party to work with. But a lot of recurring ideas keep coming back. Mostly guilt. I feel guilty to be happy like I am not allowed to be. I truly believe most of the time no matter how hard my therapist tries. Sometimes it goes away for a while but it always comes back once I realize “Hey, you’ve been pretty happy lately! You shouldn’t feel this way…”.
I will be losing my therapist in two weeks after my last session… I’m not looking forward to getting another.
I've been medicated since seeing the psychiatrist but it’s been a roller coaster.
So far I have been Wellbutrin SR 100mg once a day which went to the XL 150mg which I did not tolerate well at all. Something about the XL formulation just didn’t sit with me. We went back to Wellbutrin SR 2x100mg and I tolerated that very well and saw some real improvement for about two weeks but then it started to decline, at my worst when we increased to 2x150mg after a month which became over stimulating and discomforting.
From then on we have continued the Wellbutrin SR 2x100mg in addition to…
- Effexor! Boy that was not very fun. The first few days were incapacitating but by day 5 it was tolerable and was starting to improve. My libido was back in full force! Awesome! Some of the best sexy times we’ve had in a while. Once we titrated up to 70mg I had boner problems day one. We switched right away to…
- Zoloft! The first few days at 25mg I felt I was doing pretty well! No boner problems and felt like this was going to work out for me! I was looking forward to titrating up since it was working pretty well. Now that I have been on 50mg for 4 days I've noticed a decline in cognitive performance and energy. I have mental blocks trying to think and it’s a lot more difficult to get started on a task if I can at all. Ive caught myself messing up my speech a lot more than usual and my performance playing video games has gone down. All of this is just making me obsessive, it's all I can focus on. On the plus side, I definitely think it's helped with anxiety some!
- All vitamin levels were normal except a very minor defect in Vitamin D. It’s funny because I’m in Florida and drive top-down all day erry day unless it’s raining. I’m taking a supplement for this.
I'll be seeing the doctor tomorrow. Today I had to leave class and go home. I just don't feel like I can handle anything except eating and sleeping. I don't have the energy or patience. I tried to get in today but there were no cancellations.
Suicidal thoughts have increased because I want this to stop. Every time I start to feel a little better it gets worse. Two steps forward, one step back into quicksand. I’m not concerned for my safety, I know if I were to do something then I would not have a chance to get better. But god is it annoying…
The doctor chose these drugs because of my relative lack of response to caffeine but effectiveness and tolerability of Modafinil and micro-dosing LSD in my attempts to self-medicate. Both did work well and I have had to resort to a micro-dose at my worst during this period.
I am going to work through this but the cost in time, energy, and money is taking a toll. I’m sure we’re going to switch drugs again tomorrow and I just wish something would stick. It’s unfortunate we cannot just take a test and know exactly what chemicals are lacking like we can with most other medicines.
Submitted April 06, 2017 at 09:03PM by agentdax5 http://ift.tt/2ngSG7C depression
No comments:
Post a Comment