I recently got a new job taking care of cats at an animal rescue. Coming from an office job I couldn't stand, I am so happy to be doing what I am doing.
Unfortunately, taking care of animals means remembering to do a lot of different things every day, and I already feel like I'm fucking up to the point that I'm beginning to dread going in every morning. Every day, I have to clean (which includes remembering to brush all the furniture, wipe all the surfaces including ones that require a ladder to reach, clean the windows, change the water bowls, sweep and mop, take out the trash, change out the litter boxes, clean and refill the dirty boxes, wash dishes, and put everything back in the same place it was before at the end), prepare food for more than 25 cats many of which have special dietary needs, keep the laundry running, refill the humidifiers, keep eyes on all cats to watch for medical symptoms or unusual behaviors, wash all the cleaning tools once a week, et cetera, et cetera. I find all the cleaning pretty enjoyable, even relaxing, but it seems like every. damn. day. I forget to do something I'm supposed to do. Like I'll forget to turn on the lights in the morning (since the rooms are pretty sunlit) or I'll bring the cats their food and completely forget to put the open cans away in the refrigerator when I move on to the next task. Sometimes I remember things before anyone else notices, but a lot of times other people notice first, and I feel like they are starting to get pissed off at me and think I'm a total idiot.
Earlier today, I was washing dishes and I forgot to change out the towel on the counter first. I ended up stacking all the clean dishes on a filthy towel. My coworker basically confronted me with, "What the hell were you thinking?" Then, I went to take out the trash and I was so flustered by the mistake and the confrontation that I walked out to the trash can, DIDN'T THROW THE TRASH AWAY, and walked back in with it in my hand. My coworker looked at me like I was the biggest dumbfuck in the world. I apologized and said something like "Sorry, my brain isn't working today," and she replied, "It looks that way." I had to hold back tears as I was washing the dishes because I felt so humiliated and ashamed.
I feel like the biggest fuck-up in the world. I feel like I am going to lose this job because I can't keep basic shit straight in my brain. These aren't even tasks that require any real intelligence. I'm not really someone who cries much or is overly sensitive to constructive criticism, but have a deep, primordial sore spot about being confronted over these stupid, random blind spots I have. I am filled with anxiety at the idea of going in tomorrow to the point that even seeing my neighbor's cats walking around it making me depressed. I feel like if it happens again, I am just going to break down crying and embarrass myself even more, and I know the more anxious I am, the more likely I am to forget things because I'm so preoccupied with my anxiety. My friends and family always encouraged me to get a job doing something I loved. I told them that would be hard because things I love would be ruined if they were a job. I feel like I was right.
Submitted April 23, 2017 at 07:06AM by catgirl_throwaway http://ift.tt/2pQZbM1 ADHD
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