This is going to be long and I apologize in advance. I've watched for a long time here and it's helped me so much. This is my first time posting a all and I'm going to word vomit on you.
This has been a long time coming and when I really sat down this weekend and asked myself why I hadn't done it before, my answer was that I was afraid NMom would make my life hell and turn my brothers against me. One of them (B1 from here on out, whom I have never gotten along with but love his girlfriend) was a blind follower believing she walked on water and the other (B2 was one of my best friends until recently) just went with whatever she wanted in order to not deal with it. B1 has finally wised up to her antics after she convinced B2 to "work things out" with the woman that literally beat him and aborted their child as a punishment. NMom looooves her because she allows NMom to run things and control their lives. They neeeeedd her and she thrives on being the center of everything. I no longer care if she tries to turn them, I can't give up my sanity to keep them in my life. I love them with everything I am and I hope they don't cut me out of their lives but I can't stop them. B1 has been coming around more often and even invited me over to hang out at his house which he has never done before. B2 has allowed NMom and his girlfriend to control everything about his life and unless i see him hitting rock bottom, I'm not stepping in because it won't do any good. Also, B1 and B2 are close and B1 can't even get through to him.
A little background: NMom is what you would expect her to be and I didn't realize it until my marriage fell apart for semi-unrelated reasons and I started going to therapy. I say unrelated reasons because my husband, who had a rough childhood and was taught to turn to drugs to deal with emotions (mother started buying him meth at the age of 12) but had basically been clean the 12 years we've been together, relapsed. As hard as it was for me to admit, a lot of it I was responsible for. Now I'm not saying my actions make him do drugs, he made that decision in his own. But I was an awful wife. And an awful person if I'm really being honest. The only way I knew how to be was just like my mother. He was miserable and hated me and his life. He tried for so long just to allow me to control his life until he couldn't handle it anymore and relapsed. He is truly a loving, caring, and giving person and I broke him to the point that he became the exact person he was fighting so hard not to be.
Cue Me going to therapy to find out what was wrong with my life and deal with my depression. I started going by myself and I loved my therapist. She. Is. Amazing. My husband and our oldest started attending separately also. In the individual sessions, I came to realize that I was manipulative and horrible. I was worried about being just like my mother. To the point that I was terrified and spent three sessions always ending up talking about not wanting to be her. The difference is she thinks there is nothing wrong with her and I know I need to fix my ways. It took a long time for my therapist to get me to realize that.
Growing up, I was always having issues in school. I'm highly intelligent I just didn't want to bother. I scored a 32 on my ACT yet failed 6 basic classes because I couldn't be bothered to do my work. My mom would flip her shit, follow me around making fun of and belittling me. She would have "roasting" sessions while my friends were over and just let the insults fly hoping to A. Embarrass me and B. Make them think she was the cool mom. My friends stopped coming over. Anyways, during therapy I was explaining these and other episodes and how I can't control my anger and lose it. I get overwhelmed and I don't know how to handle it and I freak out. Which was part of my marriage issues. Throughout my therapy, I have been diagnosed with severe ADHD and have started medication. Life has done a huge turn around. Another thing we are considering and I'm just having to come to terms with and be willing to discuss it more is possibly having Aspergers. It would explain a lot but I'm having a hard time with it.
My husband and I have been working very hard to repair the damage done on both sides and are getting back to being a family. We understand each other more now and our communication is better. We can actually have discussions and disagree on things without me screaming and throwing things and him leaving to use. It's the small things, you know? Lol
I received a text from my mother two days ago as we were packing to drive 700 miles to watch our youngest in a National competition he had qualified for. Basically what it boils down to is that because of our actions over the last year, we became so far behind on bills that we chose to move in with a friend to pay of debts, get some money in savings, and start over. We let the house we were renting go and because of our schedules, being overwhelmed, and that my parents are the only people with a truck and trailer that we could borrow, we chose to leave everything in the home that we couldn't fit in our cars. Yes. I know this is wrong. I know it was not right and I feel awful for leaving it for the landlord to deal with. My excuse, because no matter the reasoning I have I know it was wrong, was that I was so overwhelmed by trying to get everything done and please everyone and work and be a wife and mom and everything that seemed to come at me over the last couple months, that I was slipping back into being depressed and not wanting to get out of bed. I didn't need any of it right now, my husband and I are doing well and while it's not the most responsible thing to do, we make six figures now and we can replace them later when we need to, and it was something I couldn't do much about and was making me sick trying to figure it out. My husband and I decided that whatever the landlord said we owed for leaving it we would pay off. We just need to start over.
And here is where the no contact comes in:
My mother received a phone call from my landlord stating that Friday was the last day we had to get items out of the home if we wanted it. We had moved out a month prior and she was going to go there with her maintenance men and get rid of everything. The landlord had supposedly tried texting us but we didn't respond. My husband was sleeping because of his schedule and I was at work where I don't have my cell on me. It was less than one hour between the landlords text to us and the one to my mother. Once I saw the text to me from the landlord, I was leaving work and was just going to double check with my husband when I got home to make sure he didn't want anything. Then my mother text me. And lo and behold, I'm the devil and poor her she wanted something I had and I'm a terrible daughter for not giving it to her. She didn't ask what was going on, she didn't ask if everything was okay. It was all about how there had better not be a certain piece of furniture in there that she wanted because she was three states away on vacation and couldn't go get it herself. The item was something my grandmother was selling, I liked it so I bought it. It wasn't an heirloom, it wasn't special, it was just something I liked that my grandmother had bought a few years ago.
One minute, I'm sitting there trying to figure out which pair of pants I want to take and talking to my husband about how excited I am as it's the first time he and I are doing anything together other than our local bar since we moved back in together. The next, I'm reduced to a child, my stomach rolling, my chest hurting, tears running like a little girl that knows the wrath of mother is coming. All of the sudden I'm racing trying to figure out how to get it for her even though I have zero ways of doing so, and freaking out on my husband because he has no idea what to do either. My husband was pissed, not at me but at NMom. It was the first time he really said anything even remotely bad about her. And all he said was he was mad that I have a mother than can make me feel this was over something that has nothing to do with her. Only he didn't say it that nicely. And it clicked for me. It doesn't have anything to do with her. It has zero effect on her. Just because she wanted something that wasn't hers to begin with doesn't mean I should reduce myself to her whipping post again. I left my $2500 refrigerator there for god sakes, why am I trying to get a $200 item for her? It's the end of the world and I'm a horrible person and I should have known she would want that and why didn't I let her come get things she wanted? (Side note: she has a habit of doing this. I can't tell you how many times she's found ways to go through people's houses whether we know them or not and take her pick of things. People being evicted, people who have died and the families and cleaning up, our own family either by guilt or so that she "has something that will make her think of them". It's disgusting and embarrassing.) It's not yours, and I would rather see it in the trash than have you picking through my furniture. Petty I know but I'm just fed up with everything at this point. I used to be a cross between a doormat for her and a force to be reckoned with to everyone else because I took my frustration out on anyone that wasn't her. It's made for a very lonely life. Im starting my life over with my husband and my children. I'm learning to be the person I want to be and between my diagnoses explaining some habits to me and how to handle them and my husband being patient and helping me figure things out, I'm getting there. I've had a wonderful few months. I've had LC with my parents and all she did with that text was solidify what my therapist has been telling me to do with NC. For the health of myself and my family, I need to cut all contact from her. In one text from her, I reverted back to the anxious bitch that was close to throwing up and being hateful to my husband because somehow her being angry was something I needed him to fix and he wasn't about to do that. It's not his to fix, I have to do this. He's right there to support me but he can't do it for me.
So now, I'm laying in a hotel bed next to my husband just enjoying the quiet before the storm that will come tomorrow when I tell her. My husband and I have already been making plans to move about an hour away to be closer to his work. That will make it easier because I'll have the excuse that we don't live two blocks away anymore. She knows we live with our friend but doesn't know where they live which has been great. Also, when we get home tomorrow, before we even go over there, we are going to change our numbers. I want to do it prior to telling her so that she can't blow up my phone. I already have her blocked on all social media. Part of me is terrified of being the bad daughter and everything she will say to people to get them to pity her and be the center of attention but more importantly I need to be happy and I can't continue to let her do this.
Submitted April 23, 2017 at 11:49AM by AntiFeminism2017 http://ift.tt/2p8yRPC raisedbynarcissists
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