Hey guys, this isn't really "for" anyone or for any purpose other than the fact that I want to reflect and cherish some stuff I've learned while being in a healthy, loving relationship, after being in a horrible, abusive one.
Backstory: I was in an incredibly abusive relationship from when I was sixteen to nineteen, almost twenty. He was completely emotionally and verbally abusive and he also raped me, several times. When I finally had the courage to leave (and never look back) almost three years later, I truly was a broken person during that time period. Saying that I was in pain would be an incredible understatement. A good friend of mine says that he never saw someone that defined Stockholm Syndrome more than I did at that point in my life.
A little over a year later, I started slowly dating this guy, we'll call him K. K and I have been dating for around 6 months now, give or take a bit of time. Things that might be really little to some people, really blow me away. Things such as:
He cares when I'm sad. He wants to listen to me, he wants to make me laugh and feel better. He wants to help make it better, if he can.
He calls to check up on me during the day and we routinely talk every single night before we go to sleep. He never gives me the cold shoulder just to punish me or make me feel worried.
He wants to spend time with me and gets excited about making plans with me. Our birthdays are within two days of each other and he wants to spend our birthdays AND Christmas together. When plans don't work out and we have to reschedule, we work through it together. He doesn't punish me for having to cancel plans, he doesn't throw a tantrum when I decide I'm not in the mood to do something. We make plans together and do things that would make us both happy, not just him.
He is really thoughtful. The most recent example of this is tonight he told me that a good friend of his has a nice workshop with a bunch of tools that he'd let K use to make jumps for me to use when I ride and train my horses. He got really excited and went on to say, "I also came up with this really neat paint scheme that I think you're going to love and you're going to have the most unique jumps." I was curious and asked him what the paint scheme would be and when he described it to me, I realized that he really truly cares about me and wants to get to know me. The paint scheme is spot on with something I would adore.
He also knows all of my horses' names and frequently comes out to the barn with me to help me out/watch me ride.
He never, ever pressures me to have sex. The second I look or feel uncomfortable, he stops, asks me if I'm okay, and holds me really tight. There have been weeks where we have not been able to have sex due to scheduling, but mostly due to me having panic attacks and/or pain when we do. He never, ever makes me feel bad. I still feel guilty but he doesn't even mention it. He just kisses me all over, holds me really tight, cuddles me until I fall asleep, and repeatedly tells me not to worry about it and that it's okay.
We can have rational, healthy debates and conversations about things. He never screams at me and he never calls me names. He never threatens me. He never makes me feel scared. We always end on a progressive, calm note.
He never hits me. He never hits me even as a joke or being playful. One time he bumped me with the refrigerator door and apologized so profusely, you would have thought he had stabbed me instead.
When we first started dating, I asked him why he wasn't hurting me or slapping me or forcing me to have sex. I couldn't stop asking him why he was being nice to me and why he was asking for my consent.
He always asks for my consent.
He makes sure I walk on the safe side of the side walk, that I'm the first to get in the car, and that I always feel safe. He never puts me in danger or leaves me anywhere. He never makes fun of me when I'm scared. He never gets mad at me when I'm scared or sad.
If I'm having a bad day, I can call him about it. Sometimes I still don't because I feel guilty, but when I do, he never makes me feel like a burden. He always tells me he's glad I can talk to him about things, no matter how small.
He tells me that I'm beautiful, the way that I am. He never tells me how to dress or how to style my hair.
He is affectionate to me because I deserve it and he cares about me. He frequently does kind things for me and doesn't expect anything in return. He likes to participate in my life, he likes to get involved in the things I want to do.
He does not use the deprivation of affection as a tool or punishment. He does not "be nice" to me as a reward. He is always kind and always affectionate and it is as simple as that. If he's having a bad day, he let's me know, and doesn't take it out on me.
When he makes coffee for himself in the morning, he makes a cup of tea (my favorite kind of tea) for me.
Sometimes I have spasms of pain (thanks endometriosis!) that wake me up at night, which, in turn wake him up at night. Instead of getting livid with me, telling me to go sleep on the couch, telling me to go kill myself - he shoots out of bed before I can process what's happening and he returns with water and pain killers. Then he kisses my cheek, rubs my abdomen, and talks with me until I fall back asleep.
He does not compare me to other women. He does not tell me the kinds of sexual activities his ex's did for him so that I would feel bad. He does not tell me that I owe him anything, sexually or otherwise.
He is consistently the same person. The fear of when "the other shoe is going to drop" is slowly and steadily going away.
He makes sure that when we go out to eat, there's a wealth of vegetarian options. He does this without even mentioning it. He even goes so far as to look for all the vegetarian options for me first before he looks for what he wants.
Sometimes I start apologizing profusely and have enormous anxiety attacks stemming from PTSD from my prior relationship. He never freaks out at me and never tells me to deal with it on my own. He always wants to work through it with me and tries really hard to make me feel comfortable and safe.
When he's driving and has to brake hard, he throws his arm out in front of me.
When I start feeling guilty and panicky because I haven't had (or wanted to have) sex with him in over a week, he reminds me that I'm human. He tells me that I deserve kindness and respect. He tells me that he's not in it for the sex, because while it's nice, it's nice because it's with me, and there's so much more to me than just sex.
There's a whole lot of other things too but I guess I just wanted to get some of the bigger ones of my chest. I have to work really hard to not say "thank you" each night when he gets off the phone with me because I honestly just want to thank him every day for not making my life a living hell like my ex did. How sad is it that I want to thank him for not hitting me, thank him for not punishing me senselessly, thank him for being kind to me.
I wake up every morning and he's just the same, sweet, kind, caring person. There's never a Jekyll and Hyde aspect. It's just K being K, all the time. I never have to fear the kind of person he's going to be today, or if something I do is going to set him off so badly that he's going to punish me for it for weeks and then bring it up to hold over my head until I beg for forgiveness.
I'm also really proud of myself because I try to work on myself every day. I tell myself that I deserve and am worthy of kindness. I am a million times stronger now. I will never be the person I was a year ago and I will never let myself be in the same situation, but I will also never forget.
Submitted December 02, 2014 at 01:19PM by chestnutandbay http://ift.tt/1vEnMlV TwoXChromosomes
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