DAE have difficulty "liking" things? [trigger warning] raisedbynarcissists

(Not sure if I should include a trigger warning here, includes some references to abuse)

Growing up, everything I liked or enjoyed that did not relate to feeding attention to my mother in some way was "stupid" and a waste of time. This included feelings. Proud of something? There's always someone better than you / if you're that good, then why aren't you making money off of it (at the age of 10)? Depressed? You don't have anything to be sad about, your mother's the only one with real problems! Happy or enjoy a TV show/fad/hobby? You're just being childish and stupid! Anything involving money was especially prone to mockery, since everything was too expensive and a waste of money unless it was for her.

Eventually I discovered the only way to avoid being torn down was to show as little emotion as possible, which led to my mother frequently becoming completely enraged and screaming that I was responsible for everything wrong with her life and I should just kill myself, mixed in with a heaping helping of physical abuse. Somehow that was easier to deal with than showing emotion and letting her in to hurt me deeper, though.

Anyways, since about the age of 10-12, I've shut down most feelings and it's hurt my ability to feel things to this day more than 25 years later. Lately I've been spending a lot of money trying to find something I enjoy, but my reaction always seems flat and more anxious to "find something I like" more than anything else. I've been on a lot of psychiatric medications and been to many therapists, but nothing has helped much.

Everything goes through a filter. I have really severe social anxiety because of this too. I have forced myself to do many, many things (join a sports group! Volunteer! Join meetup groups! Travel the world! Engage in many hobbies!) and can make it through them, but nothing registers.

I wonder what the point is on a daily basis. I try to give myself kudos for surviving/getting out/being independent, but everything remains mechanical. I've been away from my mother since I was 18. The amount of words I exchange with her can be measured in a handful of sentences each year since then, which are extremely short and superfluous (except for when I sought an apology from her, but you can imagine how that went.) I am as close to NC as I can get without cutting some important family members out of my life. I have been in and out of therapy since I was 18 as well, seeing at least eight different therapists for at least a few months each.

Happiness to me has always felt like being in a position where I have a roof over my head in a safe neighborhood, food in the refrigerator, the electric bill paid, and so on. At the same time though, this feels simply like surviving/wanting to be safe. But I already have that, and it feels like I am simply existing. Does anyone know how to do more than just exist? How long does it take to feel again? I'm starting to get old enough where I feel like I've lost a good chunk of my life without much in the way of emotion, and it's terrifying.

Submitted December 27, 2014 at 10:03PM by ____mountain http://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/2qjgf1/dae_have_difficulty_liking_things_trigger_warning/ raisedbynarcissists