Well, the beer started it, at least.
I'm a college student home visiting my parents for Thanksgiving weekend. Whenever I'm home, I sleep on a guest bed in the basement. My family does a fair bit of drinking and the secondary fridge is always well-stocked. Last night I had a few drinks while watching football with my dad, then headed down to my basement lair to continue drinking while I chat online with friends and browse reddit. Every now and then I make a trip back upstairs to fetch another beer from the fridge, so by the time of these events, I'm fairly toasted.
Where we run into trouble is that when I was home last month, I failed to clean up my old cans before I left. One of these was apparently still half full. At some point in the evening, I reach over to grab my beer and pick this one up instead and take a long pull.
This is the most vile thing I've ever tasted. Month-old, warm, flat, Busch Light. Somehow, it has thickened. it's kind of syrupy, and tastes like Satan's asshole. I spray it across the room and snatch for my actual beer, but it's empty. I have to get this taste out of my mouth, so I scramble for the stairs.
On the way up, my socked feet slip on the stairs and smash my kneecaps and chin on the hardwood staircase. Cursing in pain, I continue on all fours to the top and regain my feet, only to slip again as I turn the corner and smash my shoulder and side of my head into the door jam.
Entering the living room, I discover one of the cats is sitting on a heat register near the doorway. How? I ran into the damn thing and punted it across the room onto my mother who had fallen asleep on the couch. Heedless of this, I swing around the last corner towards the fridge, and step on the cat's scratching pad, sliding across the open doorway on it to collide with the far side of the door jam, mangling my other shoulder.
Finally, the refrigerator is before me. Unfortunately, in the darkness, I don't realize that earlier that day it was slid forward to clean behind it, so it's much closer than I expect it to be. In reaching for the handle, I instead stab the door with my outstretched hand, jamming my first 3 fingers. Shrieking obscenities, I finally rip the door open, snag a beer and slam the whole thing, ridding my mouth of this horrifying violation.
Total damages in morning assessment: both shoulders and kneecaps bruised, cut lip, a broken toe and a nasty headache. My mom's been telling the whole family all day, so i figured I may as well share the tale with some folks here. Hope you guys get some laughs out of it.
Submitted November 29, 2014 at 11:25AM by Gisbourne http://ift.tt/125ImjX tifu
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