I was 8 years old again this weekend raisedbynarcissists

I don't like talking about myself. Hopefully, though, by sharing this I can help at least one person. I just want people to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I was 8 years old again this weekend. I was back in my home town for Thanksgiving. I walked around after dinner, when my family was asleep. I noticed all the reasons I had left in the first place...the bullet-hole in the wall that my dad caused when mom threatened to leave him...holes in doors covered up by posters from the 80s...the closets in which I hid...the refrigerator that my pregnant mother would fill with groceries from the car while my dad watched TV on the couch...the couch he still forces me to move from when he comes in...needless to say I don't sleep well there.

I'm a 31 year old man with a wonderful wife, a career, and a house. I love myself and I don't fear, envy or try to control anything that lives. And yet when I'm there I'm that scared kid trembling in the closet again. It changes me. I become someone I don't like when I'm there.

I was cranky from the memories, bad sleep and 6 hours of driving to get there the day before. I complained to my mom about having to drive everyone during an outing. That was all it took. I should have known better...my anger was an affront to his power. Only he gets to be angry. Only he gets to control people. Only he gets to emotionally abuse my mother. My older brother he could tolerate, maybe, but me?

I knew his tantrum was coming...I felt the dizziness and pressure in my forehead. My hands got clammy and I got the usual frog in my throat. I didn't say a word...I've learned not to.

He made me drop him off at a random store. He said I had a shitty attitude. He said that if I kept it up then I would actually see what anger looked like. He told us to have a nice fucking life as he got out the car. It was a very mild outburst, but still, it took me there. It was as though all the gains in confidence and happiness I had made in 13 years had just been flushed away, and I'm still trying to forgive myself for it.

“Have a nice fucking life.”

Well? Why not?

My wife and I packed our things and left. It felt amazing. We were free. We both agreed that we were glad it happened because it meant us never having to go back. My only concern at this point is for my mother. Not only will it hurt her for me to never go back, but we actually had to leave her there with that man. And my grandmother can't be witnessing this kind of thing anymore either...she's in her late 80s, and here she is, driving half an hour to pick up her son from a random store because he had a tantrum over me being grumpy about driving.

I love them, but I have my priorities. I'll meet them at my brother's house, but I'm never going back there. Ever. I'm done, and it feels great.

I just want to make sure that this is purely an executive decision, for the well-being of my wife, myself, and our future children. I'm trying as hard as I can to take the emotion completely out of it. I'm trying not to enjoy the idea of seeing him burn the last bridge he had, of him adding one more item to his expanding list of regrets. I'm trying not to think about what I may say in the inevitable make-up email he sends every time this happens. I will force myself not to answer, hell, maybe not even read it. I don't want this to be another year-long war of emotional attrition. I want this to be me deciding to close the book.

I just want to do right by the people who actually matter. I'm opening doors for my wife. I'm breathing when I start to get angry. I'm letting insults slide. I'm smiling more. I'm calling old friends. I'm developing my relationship with my brother. I'm being the best version of myself in defiance of my father.

Is that a good reason though?

Meh. Who cares. He has taught me who I don't want to be, and my loved ones and I are better off for it.

Hang in there folks. It gets easier. Don't be afraid to be afraid. I know that I have it pretty easy...many of you are young and don't have any other options. But it doesn't stay this way forever. I physically left home years ago, but only recently have I closed the emotional door as well. Not even that part is easy...there is a lot of emotional baggage. But I've got a strong back.

Hang in there, I have faith in all of you.

Submitted December 01, 2014 at 12:19PM by Kombaticus http://ift.tt/11HkRgr raisedbynarcissists