(EDIT: It's currently 3:48 AM EST, and 10:48PM HAST, not trying to break any rules here, just trying to explain how I fucked up today.)
This happened about 7-8 hours ago. I will recall this day very vividly, in every gross detail, for the rest of my life.
So I'm finally home from college for a short lived winter break, and I need to borrow a tool from a friend of mine so that I can work on a gift for my girlfriend, who I'm seeing on Tuesday. He works at a local pharmacy, so I asked him if he could bring the tool with him to work, expecting him to just leave it in his car. He didn't. In fact, he thought he was dreaming the entire text conversation we had a few hours earlier that was in ALL CAPS.
So I had some time to waste before I went and got all of the other supplies for the gifts, and I was a little tired, so I went over to the refrigerator cases and grabbed a Starbucks S'mores Frappuccino in a glass bottle as a sugar/caffeine boost. When I go to Starbucks, I usually just get a frappuccino or tea, so I figured this was a good idea.
So I pay, shoot the breeze with my friend a little longer, and I'm on my merry way on a 20 minute drive to go to the craft store. On my way there, I probably drank about half to three-quarters of this drink, not really thinking about it. It tasted okay, not especially like coffee or anything.
So I get to the craft store, and I'm walking around for a bit, and I hear my stomach start to make a few noises. In all fairness, it had been a while since breakfast that morning (at this point it was probably 5PM), so I figured it was just my body demanding nourishment. I probably spend another 30 minutes looking around at various woodworking materials, stains, etc. then I meander through the store until I finally get to the checkout line. It was kinda long, but I eventually paid and got out of there. When I got back to my car, my stomach was still making noise, and I was tempted to just get some fast food (this town has pretty much any fast food joint you could ask for), but I knew my family would come up with dinner when I got home.
So I ignored my body and started my 20 minute drive back home, deciding to finish my frappuccino before I left the parking lot. There are a lot of back roads in my area, so my head was starting to bother me from all of the twists and turns, not to mention that it was dark out and my stomach was making more noises at this point. The back road I was on let out onto a major roadway, and that's when it happened. shit, why does my stomach suddenly hurt a lot more?
It was within that moment that a few things became absolutely clear to me. * I had consumed a beverage with a considerable amount of coffee in it * I've only had coffee on about 5 occasions in my ~21 years of living, and on all of those occasions, there were regret filled endings * I had at least another 12 minute drive until I got home. * My bowels were now a ticking time bomb. A molotov cocktail, if you will, in midair. A grenade with the pin already pulled. * It was really all of these things and even more indescribable, awful things.
The realization that I needed to sit down and read a newspaper was overwhelming. I do recall how empty the road was, and how the temptation was there to just pull onto the shoulder, run into the woods, and find peace with nature. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. just 10 more minutOH GOD STOP MOVING
I hit a bump in the road and it felt as if that was enough to command my body to purge the system. I don't think I've ever strained myself harder to go against the natural functions of my body. At this point, I felt like death was upon me, and I needed relief and I needed it fast. Speed limit? Speed recommendation. I don't know how fast I was going. I don't care. (As my roommate would say, I had a disease. And that wasn't a bad thing.) Things started to settle a little bit, I was able to breathe again. Until I was suddenly behind someone going 15 mph under the speed limit on this mostly empty road Good GOD man do you not understand the URGENCY of my emergency?!
I floored it, and sped right around him. In under 20 seconds I couldn't even see him in my rear view mirror. It was in this moment that I fear that the end was nigh. I was almost in tears. It was so painful, and I thought I was about to completely lose control and shit everywhere. There's no way I could explain to my mom "yeah, I passed something in grandpop's car. So glad it stayed in the family after he passed, right?" I wanted to die. Whether it was my insides completely rupturing or just from embarrassment, I wanted to die. Something like seppuku would have been oddly appropriate at this point. Alas, I didn't have a tantÅ on hand.
God must have been either smiling or thinking "poor bastard" to himself, because the rest of the road was empty, and the traffic light at the end changed from red to green as soon as I got there. I don't know what kind of god you are, but I'm a believer and I will now worship you forever
The speed limit on the last road was 10 mph than the previous road. Didn't matter. I needed to be home. I flew down the road, set a land speed record for a 600 foot driveway, and quickly shut down the car. My mind was racing. I had shit to take, and I had shit to give. Interpret as you will, but I decided to grab everything, water bottle, frappuccino bottle, craft supplies, phone, in a state of panic and run inside.
Except I couldn't run. Just standing almost triggered the apocalypse. I was literally 20 feet from my front door, and another 15 feet after that from the bathroom. I was about to lose the race at the end of the final lap. I wanted to collapse, but I couldn't. I had to walk straight legged up a set of steps and into my house to hold it in as long as I could. The moment I stepped inside, I just threw everything in my hands onto a chair, and fought to get my coat and scarf off. My dad gave me the most confused look and didn't say anything as I disrobed and ran into the bathroom. jesus christ why did I wear a belt today?
I had seconds. It felt like I had fractions of seconds. I finally released the noose from around my waist, sat down, and then it happened.
It was the most violent colon cleanse ever. I wasn't sure if I was even going to have any internal organs left after it. I was almost in tears. It was horrendous, both in magnitude and in stench. I literally begged for mercy out loud to the god I had just sworn myself to. I had to flush three times. I am become death, destroyer of bowls
With all the pressure released from my insides, and with no evidence left at the crime scene, I had to lean on the counter and look at myself in the mirror. I cleaned up, left the fan running, and calmly walked to the kitchen. My dad asked if I was okay, and I merely pointed to the glass Starbuck's bottle. "Never again." He laughed and agreed.
But it's okay, at least I got everything for my girlfriend's Christmas present.
TL;DR: Started winter break. Don't drink coffee. Drank frappuccino thinking it was like one in store. Bowels began to quiver almost an hour later while in the car in Middle of Nowhere. Multiple near death experiences, then release. Successfully planned girlfriend's X-mas present. It's not related.
(EDIT: formatting for ease of reading)
Submitted December 21, 2015 at 01:58PM by MinisterEveryday http://ift.tt/1TZ6eKI tifu
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