I posted a few days ago asking about some work decisions, and here I am again. I've never posted on Reddit before this, I guess I am really in need of some advice in my life during this transitional period. Thank you in advance for being patient with me, and to the people who were so encouraging in my previous post.
I'll explain again. I've lived on my own before. In my early twenties, working at a restaurant. Yeah, I was hard. But also necessary.
Enter now fiancé [25M]. We fall in love, he comes to stay with me a lot in my apartment. At this point I'm working full-time. He encourages me to go back to school part time.
After a while of that, his parents approach me with the offer of coming to live with them and my fiancé. We were ready to move in together at this point, and they want to help support me while I go to school full-time. I think I was 23 when this happened. I honestly really appreciated the offer.
I'm doing really well in school. 3.7 GPA, got into the honors program. I'm really thriving! But since moving into FH's parent's house, I've noticed a few things....
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FMIL wants to make all major decisions for us, including trying to force her son to go to grad school. He doesn't want to! She tried telling us that we will not be able to support our future children if he doesn't go. I call BS. Plus, I'M going to grad school. We'll be fine.
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FMIL doesn't seem to think I can do anything right. In fact, her response to even my smallest decisions is to correct me. I literally can't even put a ziplock baggie in the refrigerator correctly.
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She doesn't want me to keep up with my own grocery shopping because "I have chicken in the fridge! You didn't need to buy any." I bought cutlets because I like the way they cook.
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Apparently I don't know which correct shampoo I need to buy for myself.
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She almost threw away my new food because it "looked old." Oh and I put the groceries into the fridge wrong, too.
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She seems to treat us like we're in our early twenties, needing her constant guidance.
But here's the major thing, you guys. I want to move out. In about a year. FIL's are downgrading to a one story house. FH and I want to get married sometime in 2018. We are both graduating next year, myself probably in December. Not sure about FH just yet. Then comes getting a job for him, and grad school for me. It will be tough, but my plan is to save most of my income in the next year to help with everything. I probably won't be able to work while I'm in grad school, it is going to be hectic with field placements AND full-time classes and studying. If I need to work I will, but we will see.
Anyway, MIL tells me today that FH and I are "welcome to stay with them for YEARS" and pretty much straight up attacked my plan. Saying "it's not realistic, just live off of your student grants/loans right now and work part-time, it's not realistic to think you and FH can live independently by then, look at FSIL and her fiance, they always have a roommate... (Yeah, that is not YOU.)"
We're thinking about a studio apartment. Something that two people can afford together. My feeling is that, her trying to control all of this makes me not want to live with her for even one more second! What happened to respecting other adult's decisions for their lives?
I know it probably sounds like I care too much about what she thinks, but when you live around it for a while it can really get to you :( It feels like she is telling me that my decisions are not good enough, she knows better.... And when you are near someone like that all the time, it makes you feel less-than.
Anyway, I grew up in an abusive, controlling, terrible environment. I'm not sure if my past abuse is shaping the way I'm seeing the situation. It was terrible, horrible, not fair growing up. I was abused emotionally and physically, and still question myself a lot. I grew up with a mom who told me I was a slut, not good enough, she would isolate me, take the door off its hinges, I wasn't allowed any privacy, I couldn't even go to the bathroom without her screaming her head off. I could never clean right, if there was a SPECK of dirt left after bathroom cleaning day I was yelled and cussed at, and she made me redo the whole thing. I was told I was fat (I was 5'5 130 lbs.). I was told I was stupid and a fucking mess of a person (I have ADHD and never got good treatment for it). Yes, I'm in therapy. Have been for years. It helps a lot, but I'm not nearly done working through this shit. I brought this up to my therapist, but her technique with me is to not give me too much feedback about my own decisions so I can feel more comfortable with making them myself. Brilliant, really. Lol. She did say that she'd want to move out too, HAHA.
Is it so wrong that I want to get married when we are about 27? Because she says apparently our marriage is likely to fail if we get married earlier than 30. I'm serious, my head is in such shit that I'm wondering if I'm so terrible for wanting to get married then, even though we have the BEST relationship with amazing communication and forgiveness and attraction and we just fucking LOVE each other to the moon and back, and I look back and realize how LUCKY I was to find someone who loves me exactly the way I am, flaws and all, insecurities because of past abuse and all. This is a once in a lifetime kind of love. And here I am questioning my timeline because of some comments his mother made. It's like this kind of control is different from my own mother's, because MIL does it "with love" and my own mom was downright mean.
I'm so sorry this is so long! I would really appreciate feedback though. OH, also, FH is good about supporting me and setting boundaries with his mom. We were alone when she told me all of this.
tl;dr: FMIL seems to like control. We live with her, and she doesn't want us to move out.
Submitted April 28, 2016 at 04:09AM by Amidoingthisrighttt http://ift.tt/1rj0Bio relationships
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