Hello, I am new to the forum. Woke up feeling distraught, confused, worried . . . as usual, the fallout from visiting my mother yesterday. I am in my 50s, and just now recognizing the roots to long standing problems within myself that seem connected to family relationships. I grew up in the house of abuse. Growing up, and long into adulthood, I believed the mantra my mother told me that "your father is . . . " fill in the blanks. It was all his fault. And yes, he was demonstratively abusive: an alcoholic, occasional wife beater, physically abusive and emotionally abusive to his children, in different ways according to gender and birth order. But now my father has been dead for 5 years, and I can see patterns and phenomenon that I could not see before. I see that the person behind so much of the family abuse and instability was really my mother, who enabled and encouraged my father's abuse like a professional narcissist. I can see this clearly now, because with my dad not around to reign her powers in, my mom is full tilt into all her tactics of manipulation and control, and wreaking many of the same havoc that I grew up with: emotional, physical, financial abuse of family members. So to be more specific, one of the things my mom does is keep her adult children emotionally separate and hostile towards each other, by playing favorites and deliberately giving different versions of support to her offspring -- or rather, giving support to one but not another. This is a brilliant and classic technique of maintaining control of the family. Another thing I see my mom doing, and it is interesting that I recognize this in my mature years, is coming up with a "sickness" that cannot be reconciled or treated, so that we all have to cater to her. Her sickness is . . . dementia. Before I get a lot of flack from the community, let me say that I am pretty sure my mom is acting the part, and doing it systematically. Her "dementia" signs do not fit the normal path. Rather, she uses this socially accepted illness to claim zero responsibility for her well being or her actions. She is still living in the house I grew up in, and refuses to move. My brother is living with her, and here is where my real anguish begins . . . My brother suffered the brunt of family abuse growing up. Everything from physical beatings, non-support for academic progress, withholding social growth opportunities, catering to and acting in cohort with hostile abusive teachers, and even unnecessary surgery that had life long implications. I felt protective of him even as I sometimes played a part in the family abuse, given that my mother was classically good at keeping family divisions in high order. My father escaped by drinking, but he came home to rage at my mother, my brother, and sometimes me . . . things I did not understand as a kid are now becoming clearer. So I cannot persuade my brother, who is also in his 50s, to stop catering to my mother's demands. She is systematically cutting him off from peer relationships, dating relationships, and opportunities to maintain his health. Small example of her sophistication: she got rid of the stand up freezer, refused to buy another one, will not permit him to install one in the garage, and filled the freezer over the refrigerator -- the only freezer in the house -- with her junk food, so that there is no place to store healthier food items. Sure this seems minor . . . but the implications are profound: loss of control to maintain one's health. I lived for a few years with an older man who had a narcissistic personality, and experienced the same pattern. By the time that relationship ended, I was on the verge of congestive heart failure from dangerous eating patterns that conformed to his tastes and demand. I am also concerned that, although the home they live in is roomy enough with a full basement, my mother insists that my brother sleep in the bedroom next to hers, giving him zero privacy. She also insists that he spend every waking hour with her in the house, literally sitting next to her in the living room for hours at a time. He tried to date but my mom put the kibosh on that by criticizing endlessly until he gave her up. As far as my mom is concerned, sex does not exist for anyone who isn't married. A lot of Christians out there would agree, but I can see my brother becoming psychologically and physically damaged from the social isolation, and it hurts me very much. So you might wonder why I am so affected, since I am not the one living there. Well, my brother is the family member I feel closest to, and when he hurts, I hurt. I have offered to move in with mom in a few months, and he accepted this gladly, and is looking around for a house to rent. However, I know in my heart that I cannot willingly walk into her house and put up with my mother's ways. I will be yelling at her within a week . . . and then other family members will say that I am abusive, without giving me the support I need. My mom refuses to accept any social support outside the immediate family . . . for example, occupational therapy or meals on wheels, she won't do anything like that. She expects family members to cater to her needs until she dies . . . and she has informed all of us, laughing while she said it, that her doctor said she will live into her 90s, even as her brain goes bad, so that she does not know how to cook or drive any more. You can see that my mom's real problem is not dementia, but malice. I'm sorry this first post was so long. God bless you if you read until the end. I would appreciate any comments. Thank you very much.
Submitted April 25, 2016 at 06:07PM by freakyfran http://ift.tt/1SEJNew raisedbynarcissists
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