Dear Monkey Brained Psychos Who Live In My House:
For your future personal reference (and safety), please be certain to remember the following (and do not ever, ever, ever forget it or my my brain will explode, and then you will have to do everything yourself which you fucking well know you do not want to do):
YOU WILL NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, LEAVE OPEN CONTAINERS OF ANY KIND OF BEVERAGE OR LIQUID OR OPEN UNCONTAINED LEFTOVERS OF ANY KIND IN THE GODDAMNED REFRIGERATOR.
EVER.
I do not care if it is the tastiest, most wonderful whatever of what, YOU WILL NOT DO IT.
Examples include but are not even remotely limited to:
Open cans of soda; cups of chocolate milk (with or without the spoon it was stirred with); half-drunk hot chocolate; take-out cup of cardboard and watered down ice-cube sports drink; half-finished sugar-flavored sno-drink; adult beverage with alcohol and no cap; half-cup of unfinished applesauce; no lid for the container so you put the tofu in it and filled it with water anyway; melted ice cream; bowls of loose candy bits; broken, half-eaten toaster pastries; partially gnawed fruit; individual yogurt containers with silverware; the milk and bowl from your morning cereal because you want to drink it later.
FURTHERMORE, in the event that your tiny monkey brain has been momentarily clouded by the deliciousness of delightful delectability, or completely lost in the lackadaisical land of laziness, I DO NOT CARE. I WILL NOT HEAR IT. YOU WILL FACE PUNISHMENT.
Said punishment will be:
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You will go downstairs and get the big cooler and bring it up to the bathroom and scrub it out until I, the Mom, am satisfied it is clean.
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You will go next door to the convenience store and purchase with your own money several bags of ice, which you will then carry home by yourself.
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You will place the cooler in the kitchen, and the ice in the cooler.
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You will remove from the refrigerator every single everything and place it in the cooler in such a way that all things will remain cold and nothing will get ruined.
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You will remove, without breaking, all shelves and drawers from the refrigerator and place them in the bathtub. You will not break them.
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You will bleach spray the daylights out of the contents of the bathtub. Don't worry, just do all of it.
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You will then take the bucket and fill it with very hot water and place this with a heavy duty scrubby sponge by the refrigerator.
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You will bleach spray the entire interior of the refrigerator. Don't bother gagging at the collected forest of crap in the bottom. I didn't get to.
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Get two rolls of paper towels and a garbage bag ready.
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Squeeze hot water over solidified mass of goop all over refrigerator interior. Wait.
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Go re-spray contents of bathtub to make sure no spot has been missed.
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Commence scrubbing of bathtub objects. Rinse and repeat as necessary. Not sure if it's clean? DON'T WORRY, MOM WILL TELL YOU.
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Return to refrigerator. Use paper towels to sop up excess liquid from bottom of refrigerator. Goop no longer feels like hard candy. Scrub all upper areas with scrubby sponge and hot water. Work from the top down. Not sure if it's clean enough? Ask mom. Sure it's clean? Ask mom.
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Add more bleach and hot water to sticky pile of goop at bottom of refrigerator. At least it's no longer hard candy! No, you may not use a scraper.
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Paper towels - hot water/bleach - wait, scrub - repeat.
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The refrigerator is clean when the bottom is as white as the top.
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Reassemble all parts in the correct manner.
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Replace all contents.
FAILURE TO FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS TO THE VERY LETTER WILL RESULT IN YOUR HAVING TO REPEAT THEM ALL AGAIN FROM THE VERY BEGINNING, IMMEDIATELY. I DON'T CARE HOW GROSS AND DISGUSTING YOU THINK IT IS. I DON'T CARE HOW HARD YOU THINK IT IS TO DO. I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT HOW SORRY YOU ARE. JUST DO IT.
Because if I ever have to do it again, I am going to drag the refrigerator out to the curb and leave it there and let you figure the rest out yourselves. I PAID FOR IT, I CAN DO THAT.
The Mom Has Spoken And You Will Obey.
Submitted December 07, 2016 at 11:33PM by BumblingHypotenuse http://ift.tt/2h3zZ0G breakingmom
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