I really have no idea how to do this,but I will sum it up the best I can.So my older sister,SIS,is a golden child in the eyes of my JNM and Im the scapegoat.My older brother,who lays low,is actually adopted,but hes 11 years older than me and im the youngest so that makes no difference.Hes still my brother.My dad,ED is a pastor so I grew up in a very religious family.They both were also alcoholics who get us grown kids to buy their booze for them.I use to do drugs,but got clean at 22 following an overdose on synthetics.Thank god.I didnt start having a relationship with my mother until I was clean,mainly because She told me after the overdose,that it was the drugs in me,and how i never could see clearly....which oddly enough i see now at 28 with 3 kids and a wife who grew up in a similarly narcisstic environment.My sister,who keeps in daily contact with our JNM recently had decided she couldnt take it anymore.In all honesty,none of this would have occured,nor would I be on here now posting this,had she just chose.....to answer her phone.No joke.My JNM has a tendancy of nightly wine binges in front of the computer,and calling SIS to either complain about people in the church,or if shes sauced enough,tell us the story about how she was raped by a family friend when she was 5......in detail......down to the uterine complications it caused later in life.We both had heard this story since we were 13.This has been ongoing for years,until back in september,my sister made a bold decision,a life changing,daring,no takesies backsies decision...to not answer the phone.This resulted in JNM and ED almost suffering a complete breakdown in their programming and re-awakened some shit.They began bashing sis to me when they would come to my house,completely ignore my kids,want me to get their booze,and go on and on about how shes always had a chip on her shoulder and she always holds grudges.She played the robot agreeing with JNM all the way or else she herself was subject to amazingly harsh things.Such as the time when she was pregnant and JNM was freaking out on her about the dishwasher and SIS began to spot,and asked JNM in a calm voice if she could stop screaming at her because she was mcausing her stress.JNM looked at her and said,and I quote "If you lose that baby,thats one you,not me."I was there and i witnessed it.She got pregnant at 18 and I was 15.So now I basically tried to play peacemaker all these years later and that resulted in them bringing up old habits and trying to play scapegoat with me,but now that i have a family,Im 28 years old,and I play in a metal band,I finally grew a spine,and after my dad screamed at me on the phone after i spent 3 hours trying to tell JNM we were worried about her health and her drinking,I wrote a letter.I apologize for the length,but my SO encouraged me to post to this thread.There is so much more in this saga.I plan on posting more but for now here is the letter,with explanations for certain events.If anyone has questions I will gladly answer to the best of my ability.I give you part 1 of my unamed life saga.
Letter
Dads a hero.All I ever wanted to be was my dad.I wanted to be a preacher,a coke truck driver,a soldier,and my dad was all of those things.The first time i ever saw my dad ANGRY,was over a messy room.When He stormed in and screamed "Get this Damn room cleaned up"!This guy elbowed my beauty and the beast picture and shattered it,glass going everywhere,then I had to get on my hands and knees under my bunk bed and clean up my mess,and broken glass.Do you remember?It was super bowl sunday 97 or 98.I was upset that we didnt go to aunt and uncles house for the superbowl gathering they were having. I loved that picture,I can remember when they brought it home,SIS of course got Belle,but thats ok,I wanted the beast anyway.He was my favorite.I remember bringing this up to mom years later and her response was "Your father cried himself to sleep that night"...so did I. You see,there was a flawed human behind that,and as a Father myself I can understand the consequences of my actions and Learning how to say Sorry,Then make a real hard effort to never allow myself to go to that point ever again.Make sense?You only get one shot with your children,so make it count because the outcome will NEVER be on them.But it will be on you. I dont think you started out with bad intentions,you just lost your temper....like any normal person does. Dont like the past being drug out all these years later,I know.Neither do I.But If you want to know me,you must continue.Or feel free to say "Thats a bunch of crap",or throw it in the trash,whatever helps you sleep at night. Shall we continue? Like it or not,Yes....You did say the following,and I quote,"If you died tomorrow,we wouldnt have the money for a funeral,we would just dig a hole out there and throw you in it"....Understand this was in 2001 or 2002,and Mom was on one of her Im unhealthy and have high blood pressure,Im gonna die trips.Yea I heard you screaming it at ED for days before.Guess that was his way of trying to get through to me about my unhealthy habits as a 12 or 13 year old boy.I know this because,Thats the night of my first scar.One of many to come.It was SIS who found me,My room was still where the nursery is now.So i went through the bathroom to the sewing room,found a knife,and proceeded.She walked in on me and flipped out,and the only thing I could get out was DONT TELL THEM!DONT TELL THEM!....and she helped me get it clean in my bathroom,got me a long sleeve shirt,and I spent the next 2 weeks avoiding you two.Because I knew If you saw,I would get in trouble,or get scolded that it was an attempt at getting attention....but I didnt want attention,I just wanted to be left alone. Something you may not realize is that Im not the only one who "REMEMBERS".
There were two.
(Background info for anyone confused.My JNM was the head nurse at a prison and extremely health concious.I was overweight as a teenager,so I spent alot of time on blood pressure medicine and was at a doctor every month.Honestly i wasnt considered morbidly obese but she pushed for this and that and made it happen.One day I tried to get a couple grapes out of the fridge and she proceeded to empty the entire refrigerator out,told me to "Eat Up" and walked out leaving me to clean up the mess.)
This was Around the time of the grape episode,but you already know about that.If not,then I guess you chose to forget all over again. It was also around this time I found the booze,a cheap bottle of mixed long island ice tea hidden away neatly in your bathroom closet,right beside the box hanger thingy full of pills.I was too scared to touch it then,and when I went back a few days later it was gone...But out of pure chance,I found the box of bud light in the closet,in a black bag,under a blanket...Yes I was a nosey child.You guys actually made it easy considering with dad working and mom doing the nurse gig,YOU WERE NEVER HOME.We both got bored,easily.I can remember thinking,god if dads a preacher,and he drinks,Then its ok.When i finally got up enough courage to go steal one,I waited til you were gone,made sure the coast was clear,SIS got in the shower and I zipped straight to the closet.I started with one,but wasnt impressed,so i went and snatched 2 more.As time went on I learned the time intervals,I even developed a formula.One box of beer will be gone in 2 days,then another will appear.Occasionally the long islands would appear,and i would carefully drink just enough to not be noticeable.
You were hiding booze in your closet,I hid booze in mine.
I can remember the day I realized my mom truly despised me. It was when she said "God help any woman whos stupid enough to marry you, because you are a chauvinistic PIG,just Like your father.I was 13.It's convenient to not remember alot of things,isn't it.That was also the darkest period that has cast its perpetually devious shadow over the entire family,The DIVORCE(seperation)(marriage trouble)(prime example of when two adults decline in their ability to come to a reasonable concensus).Or as I like to call it,the T.S. in P.T.S.D.
(Background Info.My JNM quit her job at the prison after only a year because she appearantly had a break with reality,im not really sure,but that resulted in JNM and ED getting seperated and JNM was prescribed anti-psychotics,and anti-anxiety meds on top of muscle relaxers and a gaggle of other things,all while nursing a nasty habit of 6 glasses of red wine a night,the cheap box kind "For her heart condition" as well as being an unstable narcissistic man hater,which sucked being the only other male in the home.My SIS was the golden child,but only in the eyes of JNM,Shes actually pretty cool and supportive.My JNM moved out and we were left home alone all day while ED worked.We were home schooled since 1999,or actually took out of school and educated ourselves,she didnt enjoy the "schooling" aspect of it.While they were seperated my JNM downed a gallon of wine and a bottle of heart medication,got her stomach pumped,spent some time in a psych ward,then skipped out on the marriage counseling and therapy so she could come home while the two of them acted like nothing ever happened.And we werent allowed to talk about it.)
See because when she came home,we had to remain silent.We couldnt do anything to rock this boat,else they may go off again.Lets just say that between the two of you,YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE FOR THE VENOM AND HATRED YOU SAID AND DID TO EACH OTHER WHILE YOUR TWO CHILDREN WERE LEFT UNATTENDED WHILE YOU EXACTED YOUR SICK FORMS OF TORTURE AND HELL ON EACH OTHER.We were in the middle,being played like pawns in a twisted game of cat and mouse.SIS Had to obey and agree with every word mom said,dad drank and mowed,mowed and drank,and when mom was going off on ME,He was soon to follow suit,albeit not as melodramatic and unhingedly off color,but he had his own way of striking where it hurt.
I could go on forever,not like i havent already,But this brings me to what I need to say...The Truth.
Ive forgiven all of the things you did,Ive never forgotten.ILL NEVER FORGET.Who could.
Ive forgiven it all,but Not the gun.
(Background Info.So yeah i was 21 years old,had been out on my own since 18,but suffered a devestating breakup and lost my apartment so i had to move back home temporarily.As the letter indicates,alcohol was only a secret to the church folks,but my dad was getting me drunk at 15,a while after i began sneaking booze.The first time I got drunk with him we killed a 30 pack together,and did this numerous times.Even going to church the next sunday,both of us hungover.Anyway,I had planned a small get together with a few friends,3 to be exact,my gay friend,my straight man whore friend and my life long buddy.We had a cheap bottle of vodka and needless to say at this time,oct 2010,we werent light weights.My dad came home around 10 pm and my mom was sitting in her room,not far from mine,on the computer drinking her wine.My dad walked into my room,said hey,he was going to bed,and we told him so were we,we had a long day of hanging out the next day.As we were settling down,someone accidently knocked a broom into a wall,this resulted in my dad coming back in,FAR more angry and wrathful.He was very aggressive,and started to push me and got physical,so I shoved him out of my room and tried to close the door,with my friends and I holding it shut.I honestly had never seen him act like that,especially not infront of people (conservative southern baptist family).Now remember,yes we were drinking,but my gay friend didnt drink,and the vodka,by no means was gone.My parents are by no means racist,but my mother is particular about ones sexual orientation.Im straight and always have been,but my gay friend is my friend,hes a good guy and always has been,so of course we thought maybe his presence was upsetting JNM and she sent dad,ED, in as an attack dog.But regardless we figured it was over,until the door flew open again,and there was JNM,glass of wine in one hand,.38 snub in the other,pointed right at my freakin head.This gun had a hair trigger and was always kept loaded,and trust me when I tell you,THIS MOTHERFUCKER WAS LOADED,hammer back and all.She backed me up against the wall and screamed "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!".We booked out the side door and by the time we were outside,there was the cop.He went in,came out,said I wasnt allowed back in or I would be arrested,No idea what JNM had told him,and that was it.I was homeless just like that.)
The worst part of when your moms about to kill you,is how time stops. Life didnt flash before my eyes,but a memory. I remembered the story mom told me long before,about her abusive EX. How he held her against a wall and had a loaded gun to her face,then his friend stepped in and got it. I remember looking up over the barrel and seeing my dad. The Coke truck driver,the preacher,the soldier....and he looked at her,looked at me,and stepped away. Even though no shot rang out,no bullet entered and exited my head,even though the back wall didnt get painted with my memories in a bloody spat,I still died that night.The little boy that mom always says was so sweet,how much she missed him.How she didnt recognize this monster that I had become.The nice,respectful,kind,generous,big hearted child,was gone.You killed him.I'll never get him back...neither will you.
I could have pressed charges. If I let my friends tell the cop what you two had just done when he showed up,Both of you would have been arrested. And if you dont believe me,There were 3 witnesses to it. Dad struck first.I can still remember mom saying that she thought i was beating my father to death,so she panicked. No you were drunk and probably on some kind of pill. What kind of psycho does it take to assume the worst in their own child,to religiously believe that he would do that.So you grabbed the gun,left the room,BUT HEY,dad was already out of the room cause I shoved him out while he was playing george foreman to my face.With the door closed,my friend who was in the room with me,looked at me and said you okay bro?Just then,with a loud BANG,in strolls her,the mother I could never talk to,the mother who began hating me years before,the mother who we were all suppose to appease,but unlike ALL the times before,she didnt come in to violently shake me awake,only to tell me to "Get my ass back in bed",....she had a gun.
(Background Info.One of JNM's favorite games to play when I was a kid was "Got back to bed".She basically would wake me up to tell me to go back to bed because she thought i was faking.This happened multiple times.)
This was it. Its all been one shitty ride and heres the climax,the most poetically tragic way to die. Poe couldnt have written such a black masterpiece,The irony wasnt lost to me however.Its not like I wasnt suicidal for 8 years.Its not like I hadnt put that very gun to my head when no one was around.So if this is it,what a way to go.The perfect fake face for the church family twisted and contorted into the very hand of satan himself,gone with a .38 snub.But it was him.Her I expected it from,but not him.He didnt even have the balls to grab it to save his own child.His boy.After all,We never rock this boat do we,no matter what.Even when the numbers of the church fall,no we keep our face.Even when the cops show up,no we keep our face.Even When we watch movies together,or eat pizza,or go on vacation,no we keep our face.We dont rock this boat.But I have good news in all this.I still love you.I loved you enough to tell my friends to not tell everyone about it.Deep inside I knew,If that got out,Pastor ED would be finished.Even when you guys threw me out of my home,blaming booze and not yourselves,when you told me i couldnt come back when i called 2 months later outside the restaurant i dishwashed at,freezing and homeless,on the streets of the town i call home.I just wanted things to work,but you were too busy pacing floors and praying to god because you knew i was gonna be dead from an overdose or end up murdered because of the lifestyle I chose........chose.But not once did you ever turn the mirror inward and look at yourselves.At least not when we needed you to.
I was 22 years old before I could talk to my mother,so overjoyed that I was off drugs!Now its the old Son!HE's back....AND HES SAVED!!!! YES THANK YOU GOD!.....
And as you said,those drugs kept me from being the real me.So i was under the influence and couldnt be kind to you,but now its all good.I remember thinking,WOW.I can finally talk to mom and dad as an adult,and not feel judged,not be yelled at,not feel like blowing my brains out! All I had to do was VALIDATE THEM that it was all on me.And I Believed it.
but i didnt.
It was a nice fantasy.
it was a good dream.
Dad buying us a minivan,giving us cash,helping out. All i had to do was keep buying them booze.Thats the only time they come over anyway. Yeah,see I TOLD YOU THEY WERE GOOD PARENTS! Mom paid for the wedding! Dad showed up unexpectedly with a huge freakin tv! An awesome guitar.....again! And my how wonderful they truly are with the grandkids. Yes sir.My parents finally had my back,and I Finally feel approved of. I Feel love......i think.....do I?
What is love. Is it a measure of gifts? Is it how long I can keep mom on the phone,just listening to her voice? Hearing that calm tone and not the high pitch,banshee scream that still jarrs me awake at night from time to time,even to this day? Is it sitting on my porch with my father,talking with him about workmans comp and how they are being treated unjustly? What is love. If its what I feel for my adopted children,of my wife? They are seperate emotions I cannot compare,nor register simultaneously. But I know this,I have one rule to parenting that I never had to set with myself,It was instinctual... NEVER...NEVER make them feel the way I was made to feel. Make now the best times. And always fight for them,not with them.
I accepted these gifts as your apology in a weird way. which isnt fair to you,but not to me either. However im not ungrateful,and to believe I am Is truly exposing just how false your perception of reality,and your children can be.
And now here we are,You guys are still sneaking around getting us to buy your booze,because your not grown up enough to buy it yourselves out of fear that someone from the church will see it.But its ok to send us out,its ok if they think the kids are dysfunctional,just as long as brother ED and JNM come out the other side clean.Right?I would like to challenge you two to stand in front of the congregation and tell them yourselves about your "STRUGGLE".After all it wasnt two months after I got clean that you had me do it.And to a full house none the less.Why?So I could reach someone out there?Was it for you,or god.Because if it was for god,he would have compelled me to do it.But I would do ANYTHING FOR YOU at that time.We finally had a relationship!Thats beyond unhealthy,thats abusive.(Background Info.About 3 months after I had decided to get clean,JNM decided I was to be the primary speaker at their church and directed me to go into detail about how hazardous and scary my life was,but that god had saved me,look what he can do for you kind of things.I of course agreed because after all it was the first time i actually felt that I had a relationship with my mother.I also have long hair and tattoos,so it was like look what a miracle god can work.Not that im opposed to that belief,but afterwards I felt very dirty and never quite got over it.)Yet we still love you,and we forgive that because,well thats what family does,Right?Even when you show up on my porch calling her a hypocrite,or she gets drunk on the phone and calls you a hypocrite,or when both of you talk about SIS and BIL and the incredibly fine line they have to walk in order to not arouse suspicion that something is awry.When my father stands on my porch of my home and goes against the very grain of the word he preaches sunday after sunday.When the man looks me in the eye and says what he says about my brother.Oh yea dude, dont think i wont cup check you on that one.MAN TO MAN.(Background Info.My ED showed up one day for another run of the mill booze runs and decided to use the opportunity to talk about my adopted brothe,his step son,like a dog.Saying shit like "He never called me dad.He doesnt respect me.Which IS NOT TRUE.I am a step dad to 3 awesome kids and I just could not get where he was coming from.) But then theres all this worry about SIS.The mere fact that you assumed something was wrong and she was mad at you and she needed to get over it,BEFORE YOU EVEN SPOKE TO HER,spoke volumes about how twisted your view on reality has been over the years. So in your brilliant mind,you honestly believed that you could bash your own family and we wouldnt speak to each other?In your words,"Why cant we just sit down like adults and iron this out"."If you love someone,you tell them your concerns"...
Oh but we tried.
Im trying now,and by the time youve made it this far either your blood is boiling,or your stupidly fixated on one key event 4 paragraphs ago under the delusion of "I never said that",or "I dont remember" but regardless,we still love you.We still want to come around.But whats important now is that you two take the longest look in yourselves youve ever had and make a CHOICE. Your not too old to do that.Your "HARD LIFE" doesnt give you a free pass,because ours didnt. Im not the doped out,aggressive bully youve always made me out to be.Im not the goofy immature 28 year old who acts like he's 15 all the time.Im not stupid...but I am pretty broken,I'm beautifully broken. Now,as someone who truly loves you,WAY WAY WAY MORE THAN EITHER OF YOU COULD EVER HOPE TO UNDERSTAND,I expect not better,but the best.I expect EVERYTHING YOU HAVE to go into changing your lives for the positive.To come out of this darkness that youve been living in.But more than that,I expect you to look at the two of us and recognize everything that is you.Now fix it.....or don't.
End.
Again Im sorry for the length,and I plan on future posts,if anyone has any questions or had a hard time following (trust me its my life and i still cant follow it),feel free to ask.
Submitted January 12, 2018 at 01:31AM by mattikus713 http://ift.tt/2Fr4yJJ raisedbynarcissists
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