TL;DR - I'm a gay male [21] caught in a love triangle of sorts. I connected with a guy my age [M/21] while my partner of four years [M/20] was on vacation and became obsessively attached to him. I need to move on because I've caused major damage that I don't want to make worse, but I feel like I've lost control of my emotions and actions and feel helpless.
Hello, Reddit. This is not an easy tale for me [M/21] to tell as I am a total introvert and any kind of vulnerability is incredibly intimidating for me. However, given my current situation, I'm willing to risk looking like a fool for the sake of some relief.
To begin, you read that title correctly; I'm a male interested in males. I'm 21 years old and have been in a relationship with Keenan [M/20] for the past four years. He and I moved into an apartment together a year ago and we have been fairly exclusive with our relationship since it began in early 2013. This is part of the reason why I'm so upset with all that is going on presently.
Last month, Keenan took a three-week trip overseas to visit some extended family. While he was gone, I stayed behind to hold down the fort and maintain a steady flow of income to pay this month's rent. Now I have just recently began recovery from a severe gambling addiction, one that cost me my money, my car, my health, happiness, entertainment, and almost my life. Without a car and money, I was forced to stay home each day while he was gone which quickly drove me stir crazy. I work within walking distance of home, so the apartment and the office were really my only two hot spots during his entire trip.
Before long, loneliness, boredom, and curiosity got the better of me and I downloaded a gay mobile app to find some local guys to meet up with. One evening while out with a friend, I received a message from Dylan [M/21] a very attractive guy my age who showed major interest in me. We exchanged numbers immediately and quickly arranged to meet up. We met for the first time a few days later at a local diner, where he surprised me with a chocolate shake - my favorite. We then popped into a few bars, walked around the city, watched the sun go down on a grassy hillside, and finally walked to the train station so he could return home for the night. On the platform he hugged me goodbye, and texted shortly after that he wished he had stayed with me.
The following day, he asked me to meet up with him at the train station after work so I could ride with him to get his car and drive back to my place. That's exactly what we did. I enjoyed spending every second with him, and when we arrived at my place we walked to a nearby restaurant so I could feed him - there was no food in my refrigerator because I had no way of getting to the grocery store. Following dinner, we returned to my place and watched a movie, both sitting on opposite ends of my couch. He had fallen asleep by the time the movie ended, so I laid on the floor beside him just in case he woke up disoriented. He woke up and came to lay on the floor beside me, and I dosed off. I woke again not too much later to find that we were holding hands.
Next thing I knew we were making out and heading to the bedroom where we evolved our evening of platonic fun into a night of sexual exploration. I was in and out of consciousness the entire night, but every time I woke I was so excited to see him next to me; holding him and being held. It was a very refreshing, amazing feeling that took my mind off of the grief of gambling and made me feel like a whole person again. When the morning hours rolled around, we got dressed and he left quickly for work with nothing more than a goodbye.
To my surprise, he texted me a funny photo the next day and our conversations resumed. However, with each passing day I heard from him less and less, unless I initiated our conversations. I began getting upset any time a name other than his appeared on my phone, and when his did I'd feel butterflies. I was totally crazy about the guy and I knew it. The local Pride festival happened a few days after he came over and we were supposed to meet, however the crowd size scared him into a bar with a friend and we never got together. I was hurt because I wanted to see him so badly; we had formed a connection, or so I thought, and I really wanted to pursue it to see where it went.
At the Pride event, my partner Keenan returned from his trip and came to meet me. I was happy to see him, but his presence didn't take my mind off of Dylan as I hoped it would. Instead, it intensified my anxiety as I now had to confess my actions and feelings to Keenan. I told him everything about Dylan and he was not upset in the slightest. In fact, he was rather encouraging of me to pursue things with Dylan and see what would transpire. With that said, Dylan and I continued chatting.
This past weekend, Dylan moved into his own apartment within walking distance of his own workplace and much closer to me. He no longer has to take a train to work and he lives on his own. Dylan was looking so forward to moving in, and mentioned on several occasions that I should come over, but never including when. Finally, I lost my patience earlier this week and told him I wished we had gotten together by now. He had me over the next night for dinner.
I went and saw just how unprepared he was for guests - he had many unpacked boxes sitting in the living room and cleaning supplies everywhere. I felt like a total jerk for imposing and seemingly inviting myself over. I wanted to see him again so badly to confess my feelings for him and try to get a direct answer as to what his were toward me, however my remorse for coming over got the better of me and I said nothing. It was a short evening spent in awkward silence, and he didn't even feel like the same person. He treated me to dinner since I did the last time, and we went to the store to buy some booze for cocktails. He rushed around the store independently and we hardly spoke. I returned to his apartment and tried some drinks he made for me. We got along well, but there was clearly no chemistry between us as before.
Finally, I decided to head home as I knew he had to work the following morning. I said I would be leaving, hoping that maybe he'd try to get me to stay, however he walked me to the door and offered directions to a nearby bus stop. I refused to take the bus, but didn't tell him why. He insisted I do, and fished out a handful of change for me from his car so I could afford a ride. I did not accept it and he placed it into my pocket. He then told me to be safe and text him when I got home. There were again no hugs, but instead awkward goodbyes and that was that.
I did not end up taking the bus, but instead walked 45 minutes to the train that would take me home. I didn't want people seeing me crying on the bus, so I walked with my sunglasses on and my head down. I deleted his number, blocked him on the app he messaged me on, and turned off my phone. When I got home, I had a message thanking me for coming over and trying his "crazy stuff". I thanked him for his hospitality and told him I had made it home safely. I have not heard from him since, and it has been over 48 hours.
Yesterday, I sat down in front of a camera and recorded myself talking about my feelings for him and exactly what was going through my mind each time we were together. I confessed my obsessive behavior and apologized for it, and told him the video was to get closure in case we don't end up speaking again. I feel like an idiot because I sent the video to him, where I should have just recorded it and kept it to myself. I feel like that move was the last nail in the coffin of this potential relationship, and I am just beside myself. I feel like I sabotaged what could have become an amazing relationship, however the fact that I don't know is killing me. I don't know how he felt about me, if he's seeing someone, or what he even saw in me that prompted his message in the first place. All I know is that none of that should matter, especially since I am in a relationship of my own, but it does.
I cannot stop thinking about him and I am so tempted to contact him again and take back the stupid video. I deleted it from the private YouTube channel I stored it on, but I'm afraid he watched it already. I have no idea how to handle this situation as I'm now grieving multiple losses at once. The gambling, which was always a great way to kill time, my car which is a total loss due to mechanical issues I can't afford to repair, my relationship with Keenan as he is seeing other people now, and the loss of Dylan as I don't believe we're going to be speaking again.
I work for the airlines and receive free travel benefits which Dylan and I planned to use together so he could have a getaway, and even after promising that he wouldn't cancel, he did because he has a cat to look after in this new apartment. I'm deeply hurt because I was so looking forward to spending time with him, however I can't be mad because he needs to take care of his priorities and get his home set up. I have a very small inkling of hope that my offer to take him traveling sometime will bring him back someday, but I want to be sure never to end up in this situation with him or anyone else again.
Is there any way to salvage this acquaintanceship and if so, is it worth it? How do I take back all the stupid things I've said and prove that I'm not insane as I've made myself out to be? Or how can I move on and avoid looking back? I'm not in the best mood because we were supposed to be on our trip together today and that obviously did not happen. Please be respectful with your replies - homophobia and religious lectures are not welcome here.
Thank you
Submitted July 10, 2017 at 05:29AM by thatkidfromseattle http://ift.tt/2uGFjNZ relationships
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