TLDR - Wife moved out because I was verbally abusive. We've been spending a lot of time together. I have rejection/abandonment issues I need to deal with so seeing her leave everyday hurts like hell. We start CC tomorrow but I've been doing "partial" NC since Friday. Need to know if this is right course of action. ---->
--->I'm 33, my wife is 36. We've been married almost 11 years. We have 2 children. 6 weeks ago to the day she left the house. She was staying at her sister's house which was overcrowded and never ideal. Kids stayed with me most nights. About a week ago she got her own place on a month to month lease. She said her ideal plan would have been to get her own place from day 1 but she couldn't afford it.
Since then I've come to grips with the fact the I've been a verbal abuser for about 9 years of our marriage.
I've learned a lot during this time about verbal abuse, what it is, what it does, but most importantly I'm hunting down the source of mine because I love my wife and I can't stand to see her hurt especially when I'm the cause of pain.
Anyways, I went to a consultation for anger management but the therapist deemed couples counseling was a better option seeing how we both still love each other and actually want to reconcile but she "just needs her space."
So we start counseling tomorrow. I know the therapist is going to advise her to move back in. I know this because I've already met with him once. I haven't pressured her in weeks so hopefully she'll take his advice.
In the mean time, we have been seeing a lot of each other. The interactions have been great and even potential conflicts have been resolved smoothly. As I said, we have 2 children so we see each other for that. But also, my refrigerator broke and she was having some kind of trouble with her stove at her new place that she just moved into a week ago. So we've been eating together, some nights going out to eat. She doesn't have a washer and dryer so she does laundry over here (mine too) and hangs out.
I've learned from my abuse research that my abusive behavior comes from verbal and emotional abuse I suffered as a child and that came along with a steady dose of fear of abandonment and rejection. Yeah, basically my mom didn't want me and I've known this my whole life. That's a story for another sub. Anyway, classic Mr. Nice Guy syndrome, for those who have read the book. Now I understand those fears a bit more and am able to recognize them and calm myself down. For example, having a fear of abandonment and rejection can turn a little criticism into "OMG she doesn't love me, I'm not worthy, she doesn't want me, she's going to leave!" So see her actually leave is one of the hardest things I've had to endure. But she leaves me everyday!
Everyday we have fun, we enjoy each other... and then she literally rejects and abandons me. I'm trying to deal with these issues but how can I deal with the fear when that far is being manifested before my very eyes every single day?
Last Thursday she had to put her car in the shop so she called me for a ride home from work. Once I picked her up she said she needed to go have an extra key made so I had to run her to the hardware store, then to the shop, then back to my (our) house where we ate dinner, had a good time, etc. Toward the end of the night somehow (can't remember) we got on the topic of us. She tore into me but I kept my composure. She verbally abuses too but I've decided to take responsibility for creating that environment. Plus I'm better (worse) at it. Anyways, she apologized the next day and later asked for a ride to the shop after work to pick up her car.
I agreed but shortly after doing so remembered the NC rule. y wife left me before, about 2 years ago. Everything very similar. I remember NC helped me get her back. So i sent her a text saying I would pick her up that day because I agreed to and it was getting to late to make other arrangements but I think we should start keeping some space between us because if there is any benefit to us being separated then we're not taking full advantage of it, we're just making our new lives apart more comfortable and routine.
She did laundry that night and hung out. I only spoke about the children and gave polite smiles and nods when she talked abut anything else. We planned to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese's the next day but I opted out of that.
She came over Saturday morning to get the kids and I have to say, this was the most attractive I've seen my wife look in a long time. I couldn't help but wonder if the half day of NC had provoked her to get so done up. More classy than sexy. She almost caught me noticing, it was slightly awkward. They all leave and I don't hear from her again until after midnight when she informs me the kids are with her (obviously) and she asks me about "Family Game Night" that my son (who has been instrumental in trying to get the fam back together) organised for Sunday (last night). Now, my wife doesn't know that I've already talked to my son and told him that I can't attend Game Night because I'm trying to get Mommy to miss me. He understands my absence is for the greater good and he's all in with the plan. So I told her I probably wouldn't make it because I think we should be trying to limit our exposure to one another and work on ourselves. Furthermore, it was causing further damage because the roller coaster ride of "family" to "I don't want to live with you" stirs up strong emotions in me, the kind that lead to verbally abusive outbursts (fear of rejection, let me hurt you and kick you out of my life before you can do the same to me).
She got somewhat upset at this. Said I was being a jerk, that I hadn't changed, etc. After a few hours I broke down and called to ask her to join us for game night. It wouldn't have been fun with just the 3 of them as I'm the fun parent. So we had Game Night and everyone had a good time. Again, I didn't do any one on one interactions with my wife other than to smile and nod at her comments to me. I didn't feel any tension in the air, it seemed like a good night.
I think I messed up by texting her later that night. I asked if she understood what I was saying earlier. I should have just kept the NC. She sent about 10 texts after that basically saying yes she understood BUT she needs to see me in different atmospheres- as well as her alone time (what about my alone time?).
Just seems like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. I feel like, she wanted to separate, she needs to know what it means to be separated to be sure if that's what she really wants. We also both need space. I know I do to deal with the things I'm dealing with. And if handled correctly, hopefully she won't have to deal with me verbally abusing her anymore.
My plan is to continue NC today and tomorrow and see what the marriage conselor has to say. My question is, is this wise? Should I continue with NC (sans therapy) until she moves back in or what?
Thank you for reading, any response will be greatly appreciated.
Submitted October 31, 2016 at 05:38PM by DONald_JOEseph http://ift.tt/2eejKhz ExNoContact
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