In my area, we have a tight-knit group of tabletop gamers (Think D&D, European board games, ect). Most of us have known each other for almost a decade now. The core group consists of me, H (Super cool dude, been my best friend for 10 solid years), A (Another cool guy, Iraq veteran and amazing writer), and B (Biggest dude I've ever seen. Well over 6'6" and pretty bad overweight, but actually making real strides to lose weight). We've had other people come and go, but we're the amigos. Best bros. Always a phone call away from each other.
Then there was Ha. "Ha" is the first letters of his fake German nickname. We hate Ha. He's a good 400lb+. Always smells like Fritos. Those are the least awful things about him. I have a metric shitton of stories about Ha, all of them equally awful for all parties involved.
We had some friends that lived with Ha, nerd chick/part time "alt" model and a pretty laid back programmer-type guy. nerdgirl and programmer want me and H to come over and run an RPG for them. Sweet, I love running games and H is a great player, good at explaining rules to newbies.
ENCOUNTER 1
Hour 0-Hour 1 The first time we go over, Ha is sitting on his couch (Its his for reasons we'll explain later), nerdgirl and programmer are chilling at the dining room table. I set up all my books, get my GM screen out, and we begin showing nerdgirl and programmer how to make characters.
Hour 1-Hour 2 The night is going great! The two new players are having a blast, H is making us laugh, and everyone is enjoying the story we're writing! There's something weird happening on Ha's couch, heavy breathing mainly. I ignore it, dude's got his headphones on and he's laying back on the couch looking at his laptop, figured he went to sleep.
Hour 2-Hour 2 1/2 Its getting harder to focus on the game. The noises Ha is making are getting weirder and weirder. Heavy breathing intermingled with grunts. Finally, he starts rocking back and forth on the couch and leans forward just enough to stand up. He keeps leaning forward and aims himself at the kitchen, right by us. Two things happen at that point. A) The worst smell in the world hits us like a Freightliner. A vitriolic mix of shit and cured ham. B) Nerdgirl immediately gets irate, but mostly remains quiet. Glares and over exaggerated sighs, mainly. Ha leans over and starts rummaging through the refrigerator with his ass right in H's face. Like, 2" away. We're talking one sneeze away from a lifetime of shame. After about 30 seconds of pure terror, Ha gets out some leftover pizza and aims himself back at the couch. The rest of the night goes uneventfully, besides the fact we're pretty sure Ha shat himself.
ENCOUNTER 2
A week has passed, and they invite us back over to keep playing games with them. Me and H arrive early so we could set up a dry-erase map and I could start drawing out a dungeon.
Hour 0-Hour 1/4Everyone got the memo but Ha. Nerdgirl and programmer are in their rooms and we're told to let ourselves in, they're both doing -whatever- and will be out in just a second.
Not Ha. Ha doesn't have his own room. He lives in their living room. On his couch.
Ha is naked. On his couch. Eating leftover pizza and casually browsing porn with has hand somewhere below Flap C, but above Flap E. Now, I like porn. I like weird porn. I'm a deviant, and I almost pride myself on it. Ha was on /r/clopclop. Proudly so at that, his laptop was on the armrest of the couch, angled almost perfectly at the front door. Me and H stand there in pure shock, like two teenagers in a slasher flick finding the gore house. After what seemed like twenty years of shock and awe, Ha says "Ohhhhrrrr hey guys, didn't know you'd be over this early." And makes absolutely no attempt to change anything about his current situation. Ha has plotted a course, and he's sticking to it. Nerdgirl busts out of her bedroom and just yells "HA, WHAT THE FUCK!?" We go outside while Nerdgirl verbally abuses him over the situation, and rightfully so. Apparently this wasn't the first time this has happened. We go back in when its died down, Ha now has a pair of sleep pants over his legs and breathing heavily, just like last week.
Hour 1/4-Hour 3/4 The night cannot be salvaged. We talk to Nerdgirl and Programmer briefly and go home. All is lost.
Encounter 3
I was not here for this encounter, I decided to do something else besides be in a room with a masturbating obese neckbeard. This is what I could gather from H, he decided to go over and play some Magic the Gathering and board games with Nerdgirl and Programmer.
Hour 0-Hour 1/2? Ha has finally broken his filth throne and now has a bare twin-size mattress on the floor. He sits on it, leaning against the wall, and wheezes.
Hour 1/2?-Hour 1 Ha has sexually harassed Nerdgirl in some way. An argument happens. H just stays on his phone and texts me.
Hour 1- Hour 2 It is revealed that Ha has Nerdgirl's panties under his new filth throne. Apparently they were caked with awful. Argument intensifies.
Hour 2- Hour 2 1/2 Ha has tried to molest Nerdgirl from his floorbound filth throne. H leaves.
Aftermath
Progammer texted me, saying they kicked Ha out. There is now a permanent stain under Filth Throne-Couch and Filth Throne-Mattress. Ha was hoarding food under Filth Throne-Couch, mainly non-perishables like six fucking pounds of beef jerky. Ha is now living the-fuck-knows-where and his now a self-proclaimed homosexual. As a homosexual myself, I now hate him more.
There's more, but it takes place in a different setting. I'll type it up tomorrow
Submitted October 28, 2015 at 04:24AM by Tankred http://ift.tt/1kOtcJb fatpeoplestories
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