I (30/M) have a wife (33/F) who is from China and is visiting her family there with our daughter (3) at the moment. This is par course for her as she goes over there twice a year usually. Her family is very important to her (which I think is partially cultural) and has told me as much that her parents are important to her than myself or our daughter (her words). I think this is a bit of hyperbole to get her point across, but not really a great feeling to have nonetheless. The trips aren't very expensive as we live quite close by (not in China, but a nearby country) and I've been over there many times. I have no problems with her parents and they are some of the nicest, warmest, most caring people I have ever met.
However, her desire to provide for her parents has put some stress on ourselves in the past. Our combined income is around 70K (optimistically) and we still find enough money (around 3K) to send back to her parents each year. This gift giving culture is two-way and my wife's parents might pay for her flight to China, or simply give a cash present to her as well (they have done so in the past). Her parents are semi-retired and the filial piety of the culture makes giving this money not a huge problem in my book. She emphasizes that her not living in the country and us not providing as much as is customary in China is kind of a big deal, but I feel like we have reached a middle ground that isn't too bad. However, this of course puts strain on our finances in other areas, and we are not as fiscally free as I'd like. I try to save money in other ways when I can and make myself less worried about the future.
We got into a large argument a little over a year ago when she gave her family an extra 1K in cash that she took back with her to China, again without asking me. I got angry (which I can be prone to do) and told her not to spend our money that way, as we don't have that much money saved up and I don't make that much either. She basically took that to mean that she should be contributing more money to our family (which was an issue at the time) and started working full-time, which has helped overall. In her new work she really busts her ass and has made some good money, although she has had to decrease the amount of time spent with me and our daughter because of it. I am quite proud of what she has accomplished in any case.
However, the other day she decided to buy a present for her parents, which she informed me of before she bought it. I didn't ask for any details, and imagined that possibly she'd buy them a washing machine (because theirs is old) or a refrigerator (which they don't have), which I have no problem with. However, later on she tells me she spent 3K on gold jewelry for her mother and father and I got upset again. Not only for the amount she decided to spend, but for the unnecessary way in which she spent it. A huge argument followed, in which she reiterated that her parents are more important than me. As well, she insists that because during the fight from a year ago that I told her to make 'her own' money (I think she is gas lighting me on this) so that we could give more freely to her parents, that all of her new income can be used in any way she sees fit, and doesn't need to consult me at all if she wants to use it, especially on her parents.
There are a lot more issues in our relationship that were discussed during this argument and I am not sure where to go from here. I tried to explain my feelings about her action, and asked her to put the shoe on the other foot (Can I buy a new laptop without asking you?), but she was able to rationalize her way out of that (It's her parents). I just feel disrespected and ignored in a very fundamental way that I think damages our relationship. Should I just lighten up and let her do some nice things for her parents? Any advice would be appreciated.
tl;dr Chinese wife who loves her parents spent $2.5K on gold jewelry for them without asking me. During ensuing argument she insists that I have no say in how she spends her income, especially when it comes to her parents.
Submitted March 31, 2015 at 04:21PM by suterunamae http://ift.tt/19vYn61 relationships
No comments:
Post a Comment