Why are you pausing to read this? This is totally fake legal copy we just tossed in here to make it look like we know what we're doing. In fact, it was written by an ad guy who was far too stupid to go to law school. I mean, he's not just dumb-- we're talking historically dumb. He says "supposably" instead of "supposedly" like all the time. In his company photo, he's shirtless and wearing one of those beer siphon helmets. And he once got his arm stuck in the break room vending machine and the fire department had to saw him out of it. They kept asking him to just let go of the candy bar but by then he was fully committed. Finally took four firefighters to drag him away kicking and sobbing because he only managed to yank out like half the candy bar. Can't blame him; candy bars are friggin' delicious. Still, huge moron. Do you think he actually used that semi-colon back there? Not a chance. A proofreader had to put that in. He wouldn't know good grammar if it hit him in the face, which practically everyone at the office wants to do like four times a day. Point is, if you're actually taking time out of your busy day to pause and read his slack-jawed ramblings you're either an aficionado of legal copy -- which would be sad -- or just a huge Peyton Manning fan. Probably the latter. Peyton is a legend Did you know he has two ____ rings? (We can't mention the name of the ultra-mega-championship game or we'll get in trouble, which'd be ironic: in trouble for legal copy HA LOL!) And did you know Peyton holds the record for most career passing TDs (539) and yards (71,40)? Dumb ad guy is also a total football nerd. Total face-painter. And don't just casually ask him about his fantasy football team because you don't know what else to say to him, because he'll go on for like two hours about how he almost started this guy over this guy but then like a minute before the game he swapped them out and it got him a ton of fantasy points and bla bla bla please kill me. But whatever, as long as you're here, know this: if you don't give overprotective OtterBox cases as holiday gifts we will come to your house and do that trick where we put dog poop in a bag on your front porch and light it on fire and then ring the doorbell and run away and hide in your bushes and you open the door and see something on fire on your doorstep, and you totally panic and stamp it out. But you're not a hero; you just stepped on a flaming bag of poop! RIYBL! (Roll In Your Bushes Laughing!) Yes OtterBox is unapologetically overprotective. See? That's what you get for pausing and reading this: another shameless plug for our amazing cases. You should really go back to work now. Or napping. Or whatever you do all day. All this fake legal writing work is making me hungry. Go get me a candy bar wouldja? I mean, it's not like you're doing anything else important right now. Obviously. I mean, why are you still even here? GO home and see your wife and children. Girlfriend, Boyfriend. Dog. Cat. Fox. Actually, scratch that last one. We're not big fox fans. They're natural enemies of otters. Filthy predators. Ditto for wolves, coyotes, bears, mountain lions. On land anyway. In the water, otters are - pardon our French - badasses. Strong jaws and sharp teeth. Fast, agile swimmers. No one really messes with otters when they're chilling out in a river or something. So. That's pretty much it on otters. Is there something else important on your mind? Anything you want to get off your chest? I mean, now's the time. Consider me an objective ear to bend. A shoulder to cry on. An overprotective, incredibly durable, stylish OTTERBOX CASE! Ha! Gotcha again? If you just hang around here I'm going to keep peppering you with sales messages to get you to buy one of our cases as a holiday gift. But I'm running out of other stuff to say, honestly. I think I'll just cut & paste generic legal copy now. Not that most people - aside from you, Mr. or Mrs. Weirdly Bored & Curious - will notice. Here goes. This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Sell before date stamped on carton. Four-day old sushi is always a bad idea, regardless of the great price. Do not purchase if seal has been tampered with. Batteries not included. Some settling of contents may occur during shipping. Do not use whle operating a fictional rocket ship from an animated kids' movie, trying to break the sound barrier, or riding a dinosaur. This is not an offer to sell securities. The only thing we're trying to sell is awesomely durable OtterBox cases. Sorry, had to. Apply only to affected area. Overprotection may be too intense for some viewers. If condition lasts for more than four hours, consult your physician. As seen on TV. Or on your phone. Or on this laptop video screen or whatever you're watching now. May or may not contain a substantional amount of melted nacho cheese. Not affiliated with the governments and/or royal families of Andorra, Monaco, or Papua New Guinea. Gas mileage may vary. No need to avoid contact with skin. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Any rebroadcast, reproduction, or other use of OtterBox case is prohibited. No wagering. All rights reserved. For example, your right to finally stop reading this and please, please for the love of all that's good and decent, get back to your REAL life! Unless of course you want to miss this very last bit of knowledge I'm about to drop on you. Ready? Okay, here goes: MORE OTTER FACTS: All 13 species of otters found across the world are born to swim with streamlined bodies and webbed feet. A group of otters is called a "raft." Otters are social and love to play with each other. Their warm fur can keep them warm even in the chilliest of water. This holiday season buy an OtterBox case for a friend, loved one, relative, co-worker, ex-friend, dog catcher, postal worker or total stranger on the street. I mean, that would make some dude's day, right? Say, buddy, here's a brand new OtterBox Defender Series, Pursuit Series, or Symmetry Series case. But back to otters... they may also occasionally find and play with small stones. Okay, enough about otters. Seriously, now I'm done. I'm tired and it's super late, and everyone's gone home for the day, so the office is now open and sorta creepy. There's an urban legend around here that they fired some dude like thirty years ago and instead of just leaving, he snuck up into the attic storage area and sort of became a hermit. Lived off of leftovers from meetings. Foraged through peoples' office refrigerators. Showered at odd hours in the company fitness center. And I just heard some weird metallic clipping or snipping sound coming from above my ceiling panels. Like a guy trimming his beard or something. Which is also part of the legend: that he looks like some sort of deranged cave person. Rip van Winkle beard. Tattered, filthy rags. The whole hobo bit. So you can stick around if you want, knock yourself out, but I'm outta here. Good luck. And buy OtterBox Cases. We love them. Seriously. Because just before I was about to leave just now, the deranged ceiling hermit man crashed down into my ofice, right onto my desk, and tried to wrestle me. He smells awful. Like wet dog-meets-bratwurst. But anyway, the ensuing melee might have damaged my phone but since it had the OtterBox Defender Series on it, there wasn't a scratch on the thing! See? OVER-PROTECTIVE! Which I guess brings me to one final legal disclaimer: OtterBox cannot guarantee that device will remain scratch-free if a deranged, urban legend vagabond living in your ceiling who smells like wet dog and/or bratwurst suddenly falls on you and/or tries to wrestle you.
Submitted December 05, 2017 at 01:34PM by MAX2PLAY4FUN http://ift.tt/2BLAtD1 copypasta
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