So Jesus was at this Christmas party and his friend Trevor handed him a pill and jesus was like "I've never done drugs before" and trevor was all "don't worry about it, I'm watching your back bro." Jesus realized he had spent all evening standing by and not joining in any conversations. "This will loosen you up a bit" said trevor. And besides, you died" right? FOR US? These drugs wouldnt even be here if you didnt die cause they probably never would have been made. We basically owe you this experience and you owe yourself too." Jesus, now convinced, even for the first time ever, was super down. He slammed the pill back and then his beer. "Glug glug glug glug glug glug." Half an hour passed and jesus was feeling lucid and hadn't noticed anything strange. He went outside to Pee in the backyard and it was a beautiful night. While he was peeing, Jesus thought he heard his name. Seconds passed and he heard it again. "Jeeessus. Jeeessuuusssss." Jesus heard the voice loud and clear but it was coming from every direction! "Jeeeessusss! Do nottt beeee alaarrmed. My naaaame is Breeezus and I am the wind lorrrrrd and I am evarywhaaarrr." Breezus?", said jesus. You have control of the wind?" "Yess I doo", said breezus. "I hearrrrrd some giiirrrlls talking about some hobo peeing ouuut back but I only found yoooouuu. Theee wind tells mee many thiiings. I have tooo go but yoouu wiiiill find what yoouuu seeek in the kiiiitchen". Jesus felt slightly off but perhaps it was his beer. But it wasn't. He was about to be trippin ballz. He entered the kitchen and decided to eat something just in case. He opened the refrigerator and there was Only beer from top to bottom. Hiding in the butter slot, however, was a piece of cheese. "Better than nothing I guess" jesus said. He grabbed the cheese and the cheese cried out. Jesus held the cheese in the palm of his hand and noticed this cheese had a face and a beard very similar to his. "I am cheesus. Dont eat me, for if you do, you will surely-". Jesus, now trippin ballz, ignored cheesus mid warning and feasted on his cheese lord flesh, his cheesy innards and the decadent, syrupy cheese blood, lapping up every drop and sucking the cheese bones dry. Jesus was filled with intense remorse for a second but remembered it was just a cheese chunk. Trying to get a hold of himself, jesus went into the bathroom and wet his face. He opened the window for some fresh air and felt breezus cool his skin. Suddenly jesus felt a sharp sting on his forehead and heard 2 tiny voices. It was beesus, the bee lord and on his back, was fleasus, the flea lord. By combining powers and toxins, they have strengthened each others resolve for- Jesus smashed beesus and fleasus in one foul swoop because they stung him for no reason. Now feeling irritated, jesus started down the stairs and he noticed he was suddenly in the kitchen holding a large steak knife, panting like he had just ran a race. Then he noticed his hands and arms. They were covered in blood, little bits of meat and hair still lingering on his shirt. He looked around. It was quiet and after about a minute he heard a thump upstairs. He started for the stairs but only made it 3 feet before he noticed his reflection in a mirror. He was wearing a skin suit made from countless partygoers. He ripped it off as fast as he could, discovering a skin vest he made too but this actually looked stylish so His dad would forgive him for keeping it. "What is going on!?" Yelled jesus. He screamed and found himself naked and covered in shrimp and cocktail sauce. The party was fine, the drugs led him to this and he was embarrassed. Everyone at the party was staring and just then a huge shipment of shrimp arrived. Following his example, the party goers stripped and covered themselves in shrimp and cocktail sauce. He was so relieved to not have murdered everyone. He wouldn't let it happen a third time.
Submitted February 25, 2015 at 05:50AM by Thundrcundt http://ift.tt/1A4qsH1 funny
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