If anyone needs a trigger warning, this post is going to contain stuff about psychological and physical abuse, alcoholism, suicide, codependency and depression. Thank you in advance to anyone who reads this, it's terribly long.
Background- I am a 29 year old woman, American, former biologist and current high school science teacher. I dance ballet professionally on the side and I also teach ballet. I left my ex-husband about 8 months ago. He is 39, Japanese (immigrated to the US 16 years ago), and a chemistry professor. He was diagnosed as a sociopath by a mental health care professional this past summer. He is also an alcoholic (although not self-diagnosed, of course) and drinks roughly 1.5-2 liters of sake per day. He received permanent residency through our marriage, but due to the newer laws, the first green card lasts for only 2 years. Immigration services is currently investigating my claims of abuse and he will lose his status in early February. If they decide my proof of his abuse is sufficient, he will be deported. I have already been absolved of my status as his petitioner.
Family background- My parents have been married more than 30 years and they taught me that marriage can be hard work, but it's worth it when both people try their best. They taught me that love is not a fairy tale, but something that needs to be worked on, cared for. My mother was also a bit physically abusive to me when I was about 10-14. She would drag me around the house by my hair, throw pans at me, shove me up against the wall and lightly choke me. My brother witnessed it and we both told my dad years later because he was rarely home, usually working in Europe. She denies all of this, and will only vaguely acknowledge it with "I raised you with tough love to make you a strong woman". She actually gives herself credit for my ability to leave my ex. My maternal grandparents were Russians with serious mental issues and that has affected my mom and now my brother and I in ways that would take two months to fully explain. I love my dad dearly and have a really good relationship with him, but sometimes he enables my mother. I think he just doesn't know what else to do.
I have been in two relationships, the first one was 4.5 years of long distance puppy love that ended very nicely because we simply outgrew each other and became more like friends.
My ex-husband was my second relationship. I thought it was the real deal. I met him near the end of grad school when I was 24, and we got married when I was 26. I thought he was amazing and that I was the luckiest girl in the world. My family and friends all adored him.
Looking back, my parents and I remember some random and sort of mean comments he would rarely make, but hindsight is 20/20, of course. About 3 months into the marriage, my "perfect" SO began to change. First, he became very critical of me. I thought nothing of it at the time, because he would critique things about me that were honestly subpar. So I was ok with it. I'm pretty good with criticism.
Over time, it became less and less constructive, more and more petty. I told my mom about a few of my ex's comments and she began to get upset. So I stopped telling her things. I didn't want her to be angry at him. When she got angry at him, she would call him out. When she called him out, he would leave and not want to spend time visiting my parents (they moved several states away), so then I got less time with them, too. And I took my parents' marriage advice to heart and wanted to work on it, between the two of us.
I became depressed. I'd never been depressed before, so at first, I didn't even know what it was. I just thought I was tired. I began forgetting things. Little things like putting food back in the refrigerator, or combing my hair. Stuff I never forgot, before. I was going to go back to school to get my PhD when I met him (I have a MS) and he told me I wouldn't be able to handle it. I was the top student in my department (biology/biochem) and published and presented first author work during grad school. But he somehow convinced me I couldn't do it again in a PhD program. Then I began working. I had to leave a job for health reasons (I was highly allergic to the concentrated bleach solution used in the lab and I was sent to the ER twice), but I left on good terms and got another job through a connection there. Over time, he convinced me that I couldn't hold down a job at all. My next job (teaching) was part time and he said if I wanted to become a "top" scientist like him and get back into school, I needed to do research, so he had me volunteer in a lab at the same university where he worked/I got my MS.
After our first year of marriage, things took a nosedive. Soon, he stopped talking to me unless he absolutely had to. He wouldn't talk to me for months at a time. Sex? Only when he wanted it and at that point, I would be so starved for attention that I would happily oblige. He would do nothing to please me and, for the first time, I began fantasizing about random men I didn't know so that I could get through it. General kindness or affection? Forget it. He was always angry. He packed a suitcase and left it next to the bed in case "he couldn't take it anymore" and then he would leave for 2-3 days at a time, phone would be off and I had no idea where he was. He told me that his "type" of woman was my exact physical opposite and there were two women working in his lab who fit the description. A drastic change from earlier, when he'd talk about how I was so "out of his league" in looks and he felt insecure about it. He began doing poorly at his job. He began drinking more and more. He stopped sleeping. He refused to eat any of my cooking and would wait until I fell asleep to cook for himself. Then, he stopped eating at all for days at a time. He lost weight and went down to 120 pounds. He got sick all the time and blamed me. He stopped buying food for us. I started getting injuries in ballet because I was hungry often and losing weight/muscle. My friends/labmates began giving me their food and it was embarrassing. He told me there was something wrong with me and told me to get a physical. Everything came back normal. Then he said this was the "real me" and I was not the woman he married, I just let the real me come out after I got comfortable in the marriage. He said I never listened to him and I stressed him out to make him drink and do poorly at work. He claimed to be suicidal after his father disowned him and he had 3 Japanese suicide instruction manuals. He began leaving them out next to his hand when he passed out on the couch, so I'd find them in the morning. He said I was ruining his life.
Things became physical. He would throw things, like his wedding ring, or full wine bottles in my general direction.
His family- he came to the US in his early 20s and fed everyone with this terrible tale about his family. He said his dad was a raging, alcoholic abuser who beat his wife and children. He said his mother was a completely silent and obedient pushover. He said he was disowned by his father for choosing to be a chemist and not a physician. He said his sister was physically/mentally ill and trapped working for their father and she had no friends and lived in the basement. Basically, he played up every bullshit Asian/immigrant/traditional family stereotype you can think of. And we all believed him because we had no choice otherwise. He told the same long and dramatic story for the 16 years he has been here. I contacted people he's known for that long and they've all confirmed that the details of the story are identical.
I found his sister online and began speaking to her a few months ago. This whole story of his is a lie. His parents are actually very sweet people and his dad is kind of adorable. They all miss him dearly. He basically cut them off when he came to the US. They tried to reach him for years and finally stopped because he threatened to kill himself if they continued. She said they all know he has mental issues. They have been nothing but kind to me and they apologized to me and my family, sent us gifts and are just generally good people. And if facebook is any indication, my sister (yes, we decided we are, in fact, sisters) is happy, healthy, hangs out with her parents all the time and takes them on vacations, has a job she loves, lives on her own, and has about 438094353 friends from many countries. I told his other American friends about this and everyone is horrified at how great of a liar he is and how long he has kept up the same story.
Then in January 2014, we got a notice from the university that he was going to lose his job in May, a year before he was up for tenure. This is highly unusual and you really have to fuck up for this to happen. We freaked out. We needed to make a certain amount of money to keep him in the country. I immediately began applying for jobs. I knew in my heart that I wanted to teach, but I applied for anything that made more than the poverty line. I didn't tell him because I knew he wanted me to stay in the lab. He appealed to the dean and got to stay for this current academic year (14-15). He was told he needed to publish at least one paper and get one grant in order to get tenure. As of this week, he has done neither. He will probably be fired in May 2015, if he isn't deported, or doesn't get a H1-B visa, first.
In May, I had 3 interviews for the job I currently have. I told him two days before the 3rd interview, when I was feeling pretty confident about it. The third interview was a 90 minute mock lecture in front of the administration and the top senior students. I was making my presentation the day I told him. He flipped out. He began guzzling from a bottle of sake and then went into the kitchen, saying his wife hated him and never listened to him. Then he took a knife and began swiping at his torso. My stupid ass jumped out of my chair and tried to get the knife away from him. After a few minutes of struggling, he let me have the knife and passed out on the floor. I sat on the couch for about 16 hours, in a stupor. I was filled with fear, guilt and sadness. I didn't even get up to use the bathroom. The next day, a couple hours after he left for work without a word, I was able to move. I went to the bathroom, tried to eat and I called my parents.
My dad sent him a long and heartfelt email, saying we were all in this together, they love him, we should all talk to a professional, he will get through this at work, etc.
He sent a reply, saying that it was all my fault and I drove him to this. And that the suicide attempt was fake and planned out in advance. He dulled the knife on the back of a bowl when I wasn't looking. And that he was going to tell me how he taught me a lesson in a few years because things were "great" now, and I was listening to him. Naturally, my parents were outraged and called me right away to tell me about the email.
He rushed home to try and talk to me, first, but my mom had already contacted me. He began comforting me and said he would never do it again. He finally said he would go to a therapist (I had been begging him for months). He made a lot of promises. I stayed for another 8 days. I tried to pretend that everything was normal. We had sex and I tried to enjoy it, but I cried quietly in the dark. I couldn't even sleep next to him because I was scared of him and my gut was telling me to get out.
My parents flew out to visit me (and get me out of there). I went to see them for a couple days and I begged him to come with me, so he could explain things to them and repair the relationship. He refused and said he would never speak to them again. After being way for a couple of days, I was able to clear my head a little bit. I asked my parents to help me get out. My mom made some calls and by the time we got there, half my friends were there with their trucks and two of my friends took me in and let me stay, rent-free until my new job started in August. I am still with them and we're all moving in February. About three weeks later, I sent him an email, asking him for a divorce.
The following months were indescribable.
The good...
Got into therapy immediately with a half-Japanese, half-American lady with an alcoholic father, who really gets it.
Learned that I am slightly codependent and that's a big part of the reason I got caught up in this.
Started going to AlAnon and CodA. Made new friends who have helped me a lot.
Started meditating to help with my anxiety attacks and vaguely PTSD-like issues. I haven't had an anxiety attack since October.
Reached out to my social circles at my jobs at the high school and the ballet studio and I have been flooded with kindness and help.
Rebuilt old bridges with former employers and friends who I cut off because of my ex.
Slowly but surely fixed my eating and sleeping habits after a lot of trial and error.
Got an STD test and I'm clean.
Got a physical and my blood pressure is still high but I'm ok.
Started cooking Japanese food again without ruining it or flying into hysterics (this was a big deal for me, actually).
Doing really well at my new job and I'm absolutely loving it.
Starting school next fall for a MEd and the school is paying 90% of my tuition.
Learned and read a lot about the psychology behind alcoholism, sociopaths, codependency and abuse.
Learned how to forgive and take better care of myself, and how to put myself first.
The bad...
Broke my toe due to a stress fracture in my foot because of malnutrition and stress. Had to take a 6 month break from performing and pointe shoes. After 2 months of physical therapy,I'm starting to wear pointe shoes, again.
Lost so much weight (I was already tiny) and got so stressed that I missed my period for four months.
Attempted to die/at least get some rest by banging my head on the side of a bathtub one night. That was my rock bottom. My friend has a book about Grumpy cat and it sits near the toilet. I saw it and began reading it. I laughed and got distracted for 30 minutes. Thanks, Grumpy Cat.
I have become intensely familiar with the concept of victim-blaming. I will never, ever, EVER blame a victim, even indirectly or accidentally. Ever again. I am now acutely aware of these things, as you might imagine. I get it, now. Really, I get it. Sweet Jesus.
All of this has really opened up some wounds with my parents, especially my mom. They wanted me to drop everything and move in with them, several states away, to a place I've been at for a week. I had to go against them for the first time in my life. Things are slowly improving, but they are very passive aggressive. I know they're just scared for me and don't want him to find me. They think since soon he will have nothing left (no job, no family/friends, has to go back to a country he hates, etc.) that he is going to kill himself and try to take me with him. He has said and done some pretty unstable stuff, so it's on the list of possibilities.
Speaking of that, he knows where I work and showed up in the parking lot in July. He wouldn't let me in my car for awhile and finally relented when parents came out.
Overall, I am feeling like a wiser and stronger version of myself. But some moments are still extremely difficult. My attorney says that the divorce will be final in February. Everything is happening in February, I swear, haha. It's gonna be a wild month.
Here is where I need some advice (but feel free to give me advice on any other part of this crazy story because I am an information sponge right now). I started dating 3 months ago. In particular, I met a 32 year old guy. Things were going really well and progressing and I thought we were going to be a couple. We were planning trips and his behavior/actions showed me he wanted to commit. Then, about a week ago, he decided to... not contact me for a week out of nowhere. Only to return and tell me that he has too many lingering issues with women. Apparently, he was burned badly by a horrible ex (who was also Japanese... HA) and he still sort of hates women, in general. His family even called him out on it. We've been talking about it. I saw some other warning signs, like him not really wanting to leave his place very much, wavering between getting really close and then really distant, he told me that things with me were "perfect" and no one has accepted him like I have, but he is waiting for the other shoe to drop, wanting something to go wrong so he can break it off. He finally said he would be doing me a favor by ending it even though he says he already regrets it.
Here's my problem. This experience has taught me that I'm affection-starved, love-starved, whatever you want to call it. I found myself feeling huge waves of neediness and the desire for physical contact all the time. I hid this and didn't express it. But I felt it and when I would go home again I would have a meltdown. Then I would regain control of myself. I need love. But this isn't good. He doesn't know about any of this. I need to figure out how to satisfy this need in a healthy way, because I wasn't like this, before. I have been trying to find information on this and I'm having a hard time.
I am also having another issue with dating and interacting with American men, in general. This is going to sound incredibly odd, but my ex basically trained me like a dog. I have become a very submissive and quiet person, especially with new people. It's to the point where American men don't like it and have mentioned it several times. It's too much. I am working to get my "voice" back, so to speak. It makes dating awkward, sometimes. Several people familiar with Japanese and American culture have described me as "an incredibly meek Japanese woman trapped in a White American woman's body". One guy I went out with even told me he was happy when I slightly cut in front of him to get to the car. It's improving now that I'm aware of the problem, but it's still pretty bad.
I also think that a small part of me is afraid of men, now. I tell myself I'm not and that I like them. But I can feel that lump in my throat and the walking on eggshells feeling creeping up when I start talking to a man I've just met, and he does nothing to make this happen. It's all in my head. Can anyone help me with this?
Anyone who has been through this or knows of any sources where I can learn more... please let me know. I would be very grateful. I'm in major problem-solving mode and rebuilding myself and my life. I just want to get better and be a happy and healthy adult. Thanks for reading this, if you made it all the way to the end. I haven't been on reddit since April, but I used to post here, sometimes. I love you guys.
tl;dr: Still dealing with mental/emotional issues after leaving a marriage with an alcoholic sociopath. Help, please!
Submitted December 31, 2014 at 12:07PM by pancaketoaster http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2qwcij/i_need_help_dealing_with_some_of_the_aftermath/ relationships
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