It turns out that even as I was so confident that I will never look porn again all it took was a lazy day and a trigger. To be honest, I have been going towards the wrong direction a while now. I have been allowing myself to fantasize more and the decision to start healthy masturbation might in fact have been too soon after all.
It seems like the decision to buy a fleshlight to condition my dick to more gentler sensations was a mistake as well. Not to say the fleshlight didn't work. It did its job well but I can't have a reward waiting in back of my mind while I'm trying to abstain. It just doesn't work. During the two weeks I was waiting to be permitted to masturbate again it was all I could think of! It was always in my mind. If you are on a died, a cheeseburger should not be on the back of your refrigerator waiting and reminding you...
Then when it finally got to the time to use the fleshlight I had already harbored so many thoughts that simple ten minute go with it wasn't enough. I had to do it again the next day. And that led to me missing a workout. And that led to me being lazy about triggers and boom! here we are, first looking at porn and then "what the heck might as well", just going at it like the old times. Good news I guess is that I was super sensitive and had ejaculation quite shortly. So clearly I've been doing something right in terms of regaining my sensitivity.
But here we are. I don't see many options here. I have to start taking this seriously again. No more rewards waiting. No more fantasizing or triggering internet. Sadly, I have to quit coming to nofap and pornfree as they feed into the mindset of always in mind and I tend to use these subs for procrastination. Unfortunately there are triggers sometimes as well. I'm not proud to say this obviously but the tales about abused pornstars that people sometimes post on nofap and here are a major trigger to me. My mind is still fucked up like that after the years of porn use. I hate to be turned on about someone else's misery but it is what it is.
So this is a good bye for now. Monk mode it is. It's time to start living more. This is the best option I can think of. To forget about PIED and nofap and noporn and flatline and healthy masturbation and my dick. Just get busy living and going for my goals in life. The only reddit that remains on my speed dial is r/meditation. I will of course check the replies on this post. Happy recovering, fellas.
Submitted September 30, 2014 at 02:43AM by burninside http://ift.tt/1rFU1Q7 pornfree
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