mother-in-law issues (might need to say **possible Spoilers**-some mild physical and verbal abuse mentioned), and really long bipolar

I wanted to post this to both bipolar reddit groups, which I hope is o.k. Mainly because I just want thoughts, impressions, and something like advice on how to handle the situation going forward. I'm not exactly looking for 'telling me what to do' advice though also. Of course much of this is dysfunctional to say the least, but I'd like to request that you try and minimize any judgement, as it'll just make me feel worse, won't help anything, and what's happened has already happened..

And I'm often compelled, especially with emotionally fraught stuff, to go into detail. I only have a few people I can talk to about this. I haven't been in therapy for awhile for various reasons. My psydoc is pretty good and has been seeing me for several years. But I'm having problems with my insurance, but I've already made an appointment for a few more weeks from now.

So it's going to be kind of long and rambling, but sequential for the most part. I do believe it's crucial to understand my issues by seeing all the backstory. But hopefully the fact that one can skim it if necessary will make it so that too many people won't just skip reading it altogether.

I am married with two daughters, one between 11 and 14 and the other between 6 and 9.

I have bipolar disorder, 1 I think. Usually hypomanic but if unmedicated long enough will become manic. Generalized anxiety that has given me functional deficits; was on disability since 2010 but after the first review last year got denied and missed the appeal time period, because I didn't foresee getting denied and was getting worse and worse about having my head in the sand about looking at the mail since around early 2016. I thought they would just get the newer information from my doctor, even though I know it should have occurred to me that they would most likely try and deny me again.

I also have a type of generalized, closely-related to an even more than usual anxiety-based type of OCD, in comparison to classic germaphobia, etc., where I have meltdowns if someone tries to make me do something that is other than the only way i know how to or want to do them. And with conversations involving information, I always have to 'make sure' the person said exactly what I thought they said, when it might be clear but sounds ambiguous to me. And a lot of mild to extreme stubbornness.

All three of those disorders send me into rages and tirades, unfortunately against my family because we live together. Frustration, irritability, but I think it's often kind of 'impotent.' Passive-aggressive maybe? Don't know; all that gets kind of confusing for me. But sometimes I guess it causes people to be drawn to that possibly perceived weakness.

But being provoked and dismissed puts me on the edge of thinking quite violently, and I'm always having to hold back literally striking out at whoever is doing it to me. It's been years and I haven't really yet, as I don't want to get arrested etc. And I don't really believe in just reacting back in retaliation and physically hurting anyone.

And then there's the years of hoarding, both my husband and I, and his actual ADD, and my symptoms of it; the disorganization problems just worsen the hoarding.

In general I get overwhelmed easily, confused easily..forget stuff more and more. My constant fuck-ups and more and more 'dropping the ball' takes its toll on my family. But with my conditions and personality any criticism and negative reactions from them just angers and hurts me and it's so hard, because surely it wouldn't be like that nearly as much if I didn't have mental illness.

And I know it's bad for me and from what I've heard and read contributes to a lot of my current symptoms as far as the bipolar, but I only get like 4 hours sleep a night, (but then sleep for 3 hours or so after getting the girls out the door for school). I mostly only eat carbs and some protein. I 'kind of' want to make meals, but I'm so tired and the kitchen is so cluttered that all we eat is pasta and smoked sausage (as opposed to hot dogs). I keep buying some fruit and bags of spinach..The kids are tired of apples for now. Perishable food is a struggle. The refrigerators currently working are small and old. My husband does make stuff every so often.

I don't take vitamins, but used to. We're always getting colds and stomach viruses. (especially now that school's started). I don't exercise, but used to. Just general depression symptoms of struggling everyday to just get through the day and get the minimum done without sleeping all day.

Now to the current issue: mother-in-laws can be hard enough to deal with it seems, but it doesn't help when you have mental illnesses that inconvenience them and cause you to make more and more mistakes that may or may not affect them. Husbands too, but that's of course something else.

I'll call her 'mil' - short for mother-in-law, but mostly 'she'. As far as the situation between her and me, it's also worsened because of whatever conditions she has or may have..definitely some type of personality disorder or personality issues contributing to a bullying mentality, being judgmental, automatically thinking she's always right, always has to have the last word. Critical and verbally abusive, especially in calling others names. Insulting. Sometimes cruel. Has less than no patience much of the time, and especially for annoying, 'flaky' people and the situations they create. Holds grudges for years, often, imo, about relatively trivial crap. She's educated, but refers to mental professionals as shrinks. Too smart for her own good, for lack of a better phrase.

I met her when I was nine when she and her son moved onto our street. She was really charming much of the time..Introverted and social at the same time; often charismatic. We live in a medium large town in the eastern midwest. She is from here, but moved to a large city out west in the 60's. She loves 'the counterculture.'

So, she, and later her son, fascinated me. I was pretty lonely, and loved their what seemed to be so much knowledge about so many things. Off and on for years, when she wasn't too irritated with me, she actually seemed to enjoy talking to me. She has some of the best stories. But I've unfortunately chosen to confide in her pretty much up til about several years ago, but then as I realized the depth and increase in her dislike for me, I finally have gradually reduced that.

As her son became my boyfriend and we started spending a lot of time together, she told him she wanted me to not come over any more for awhile (she wanted a break from me.) I remember trying to talk to her a couple of weeks later when I saw her outside. She gave me 'the silent treatment' then and for awhile.

My husband has always done that some too. He has the sometimes-harsh treatment of people, or at least talking about them behind their backs like that, and some of that similar cruelty towards the kids and I, I guess partly because of living with her all his life. He was an only child and she was a single mother. They moved back here when he was 11.

But he has depression and ADD, along with the hoarding, and anxiety seems to contribute to some of his anger as well. When he's off his medicine, he gets so angry that he punches holes in walls, throws stuff, sometimes breaks things, curses at me and then does the silent treatment (well, that's even when he's on his meds). I hate that the most about him, when he does that. Eventually I began yelling and screaming a lot more, like he also does, and feeling a strong urge to throw and break things. Especially after I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Especially when I've even a little hypomanic.

The next most behavior I hate is when he's not on his meds, is physically restraining me or keeping me from going into another room or getting on our bed. And right now the beds are pretty much the only comfortable places to sit in our house. So yeah, he loses a lot of control of adhering to personal space boundaries when he gets like that.

But mil's done a lot for us. Especially since the girls were born. The older one (K.) is her favorite in many ways, and I don't think she could live without her. We let her stay with her half the week from the time she was about 7 months old until soon after my youngest (E.) was born, when K. was 3 1/2. I knew K. would have started asking why she had to be at her house all the time while E. was always here with us. So I ended it.

At the beginning though, of course I jumped at the chance at the time for me to have more time to sleep and do more of what I wanted and was compelled to do. It took a few years, but I realized that she didn't do it to help me; she just wanted and needed to be with K. So I guess I also gave her some of my power. I also lost a lot of special moments I'll never be able to get back.

She has annual festivals and things she pretty much always takes them to, which are pretty much really important to her, and thus she wants to and always has no matter what. She also has them both on Friday afternoons and evenings. It used to be and additional day of the week for K.

And after I happened to lose a form she gave me to fill out for a summer activity for E.(this past summer), she told me she wasn't paying for it after all, since she was trying to reduce stress in her life. I think that's why she isn't having them over as much either. She has a lot of energy, but is 73 now.

She also pays and has paid for a lot of stuff; years of dance lessons for K. (all her idea), K.'s 2 years of preschool and one year of kindergarten, given us various amounts of money, none of which we ever asked for, when she could tell we needed it especially to make up for stuff we had to pay for but didn't really have the money to. And large amounts for my husband's birthdays, and for Christmas for him and the girls. And many more things I can't remember.

So there's always this constant underlying, mostly unspoken tension between her and I. We both hold back from confronting each other as much as possible, but I think with her increasing age, she's losing the ability to do that. But she would have her little blowups/tantrums 'at' me every so often, and then would act like it never happened, so I went along with that, because I don't deal well with people even saying anything in anger to me.

---

OK, finally to the main stuff that happened the other night!!

She left with the girls this past weekend for a 4 day trip to a quaint historically significant "tourist attraction". Not to sound rude, but it's not the usual type of tourist attraction; it's more of a simple, quiet place where you can stay in restored old buildings.

They always go on this weekend every year because the place has their big fall festival that has lots of kids activities as well. K. has always enjoyed going, and this was E's first year going, and she really liked it too.

She always gives us either an exact time or time range in which she is ready to drop them off or for us to come pick them up. I guess this might be the norm for people with children; I don't know (probably is; not complaining though) but it's assumed that we have to be ready for any change in that time, because she's the one going to the trouble to take them somewhere. And it has changed before, even at the last minute, where we sometimes have to go pick them up instead. She told me they'd be back sometime close to; before or after, dark. She said she would be able to drop them off. She also hates cell phones with a passion, and of course refuses to get one or for us to give her one, because they are not as reliable as landlines.

You probably can tell where this is going, but of course I want to tell it bit by bit. I really have been trying to be kind of concise in everything I've typed. So then, 3 hours before they could be here at the earliest, my husband decides he needs to go to our other house and cut the grass and dry our laundry there. I asked him if he would probably be back in a couple of hours. He said probably, but maybe longer, depending on how much stuff he decided to do there. This house was our first one, but we had to leave pretty quickly for various reasons when K. was a baby. We've used it for storage, which I realized was a bad idea a year or so later, but it already was filled with a hoard anyhow. It's also in disrepair, so my husband is always working on it off and on. He refuses to sell it.

Looking back, of course I realize I should have told him when to be back no matter what. He should have thought of it as well. Only one of our cars is driveable, and I have a suspended license until I get a day and time assigned to go to traffic school and complete that. Yes, once again I put off looking at the mail to see when the original day was set for or that I needed to set it up first; I don't know. So then they suspended it because I went past the deadline. She knows about it; I had to tell her since up until then I have mostly been the one to be here when she picks them up and drops them off, and to go pick them when it was my turn.

So of course she calls maybe a half hour or hour after he left, and said they were exhausted, and asked if he could come get them. I told her everything about what my husband was doing and where she was, and we both thought he would probably be back in time, or that I would be able to reach him on his phone. I knew that wasn't always the case.

So I waited until about a little more than an hour later, after trying to call him repeatedly, and then called her and asked if she'd heard from him. She said no, and was starting to sound irritated. I told her I could try and call one of our old neighbors, or even run over there myself. It's about a twenty minute walk from where we live.

She then just said something about how she couldn't bring them because she didn't have her car and that she couldn't drive the one she had at night. Then she screamed, "Why can't I have a normal fucking family? You all just aren't living right." Then she hung up on me. She's done it before; my husband has done it many times. Of course my kids told me afterward that she was as mad and loud as she's ever been, talking about me and my suspended license and other stuff, but mostly about me. K. has also told me about her saying the not living right thing stuff before, from a few years ago.

I got hold of my husband soon after, and he said that he hadn't even felt his phone vibrate and that he'd been of course running the lawnmower, working on the roof some, and waiting for the laundry to dry, but would go get them.

She wasn't out there when he did. She's done that to me too, also when she's been angry with K. about something. We did always tell her to just call us when she got overwhelmed after that happened once. Sometimes she still didn't.

I was upset and angry also. It took me a couple of days to calm down. I couldn't sleep well that night, worrying about it. It kept going through my head constantly. At first I felt very confrontational, even though I knew that would just make things worse. I'm just so tired of being walked all over. Yes, by my husband and her, but of course there are a lot of different issues there. I called my dad and a friend and talked to then about it. I've been writing this off and on all week.

I now think that she tried to hold it all in like she always does, at first, but this time she couldn't, because of how physically bad she felt and whatever else, and was just so exasperated. That's understandable. I know I can't expect people who have to deal with us all the time and know what the house looks like to not get frustrated and say things in anger sometimes. And then there's her age again.

No, my husband has never been much help, because he knows we can't make her stop doing anything; that she's not going to listen to us, and not going to change. We've both known all the stuff we've done wrong that she's held against us. So he didn't say much except for being irritated and cutting me off about what she said; saying he already remembered me telling him she said that last part before. I'd forgotten; I forget so much of all kinds of things.

I know many of you will say we should have gotten divorced long ago. We almost did, lots of times. But there are many reasons why we don't want to, and why neither of us could do it now. Of course there have been and still are so many good things about him, between us.

But I've seen them in arguments, etc. before a couple of times ever since we were teenagers, pretty much always because she started talking some kind of shit to him. So I'm now leaning towards the acting like she didn't say anything choice for when I have to talk to her again tomorrow (Friday). I haven't had to see her since that Sunday night. She usually gets the kids after E. gets off the bus those afternoons. Then, unless we've already talked about it, I have to see when she says she wants him to come get them. I could tell the kids to have her call my husband later; I've done that before, but ahead of time, when I felt like it was a situation where I'd rather him deal with her, but not at the last minute.

I want to go out there after E. gets here, so I don't look even more weak. Then again, sometimes K. will go out first, since she gets home an hour earlier, and then she can just come back in and tell me the time. Or she might choose to call him.

If she says or seems like I need to say something new, I guess I'll tell her me and her can just adjust things somehow to where this could be more likely to be prevented in the future..she always does tell us however she wants this or that too, now that I think of it.

So I guess mostly you all will just be able to comment on this. If you want of course. But I doubt things will go any differently than they're going to. Thanks for listening to me about this large section of my life. That's partly why it took so long.

Submitted September 28, 2017 at 11:21PM by liesl72 http://ift.tt/2wnbnXW bipolar

mother-in-law issues (might need to say **possible Spoilers**-some mild physical and verbal abuse mentioned), and really long bipolar

I wanted to post this to both bipolar reddit groups, which I hope is o.k. Mainly because I just want thoughts, impressions, and something like advice on how to handle the situation going forward. I'm not exactly looking for 'telling me what to do' advice though also. Of course much of this is dysfunctional to say the least, but I'd like to request that you try and minimize any judgement, as it'll just make me feel worse, won't help anything, and what's happened has already happened..

And I'm often compelled, especially with emotionally fraught stuff, to go into detail. I only have a few people I can talk to about this. I haven't been in therapy for awhile for various reasons. My psydoc is pretty good and has been seeing me for several years. But I'm having problems with my insurance, but I've already made an appointment for a few more weeks from now.

So it's going to be kind of long and rambling, but sequential for the most part. I do believe it's crucial to understand my issues by seeing all the backstory. But hopefully the fact that one can skim it if necessary will make it so that too many people won't just skip reading it altogether.

I am married with two daughters, one between 11 and 14 and the other between 6 and 9.

I have bipolar disorder, 1 I think. Usually hypomanic but if unmedicated long enough will become manic. Generalized anxiety that has given me functional deficits; was on disability since 2010 but after the first review last year got denied and missed the appeal time period, because I didn't foresee getting denied and was getting worse and worse about having my head in the sand about looking at the mail since around early 2016. I thought they would just get the newer information from my doctor, even though I know it should have occurred to me that they would most likely try and deny me again.

I also have a type of generalized, closely-related to an even more than usual anxiety-based type of OCD, in comparison to classic germaphobia, etc., where I have meltdowns if someone tries to make me do something that is other than the only way i know how to or want to do them. And with conversations involving information, I always have to 'make sure' the person said exactly what I thought they said, when it might be clear but sounds ambiguous to me. And a lot of mild to extreme stubbornness.

All three of those disorders send me into rages and tirades, unfortunately against my family because we live together. Frustration, irritability, but I think it's often kind of 'impotent.' Passive-aggressive maybe? Don't know; all that gets kind of confusing for me. But sometimes I guess it causes people to be drawn to that possibly perceived weakness.

But being provoked and dismissed puts me on the edge of thinking quite violently, and I'm always having to hold back literally striking out at whoever is doing it to me. It's been years and I haven't really yet, as I don't want to get arrested etc. And I don't really believe in just reacting back in retaliation and physically hurting anyone.

And then there's the years of hoarding, both my husband and I, and his actual ADD, and my symptoms of it; the disorganization problems just worsen the hoarding.

In general I get overwhelmed easily, confused easily..forget stuff more and more. My constant fuck-ups and more and more 'dropping the ball' takes its toll on my family. But with my conditions and personality any criticism and negative reactions from them just angers and hurts me and it's so hard, because surely it wouldn't be like that nearly as much if I didn't have mental illness.

And I know it's bad for me and from what I've heard and read contributes to a lot of my current symptoms as far as the bipolar, but I only get like 4 hours sleep a night, (but then sleep for 3 hours or so after getting the girls out the door for school). I mostly only eat carbs and some protein. I 'kind of' want to make meals, but I'm so tired and the kitchen is so cluttered that all we eat is pasta and smoked sausage (as opposed to hot dogs). I keep buying some fruit and bags of spinach..The kids are tired of apples for now. Perishable food is a struggle. The refrigerators currently working are small and old. My husband does make stuff every so often.

I don't take vitamins, but used to. We're always getting colds and stomach viruses. (especially now that school's started). I don't exercise, but used to. Just general depression symptoms of struggling everyday to just get through the day and get the minimum done without sleeping all day.

Now to the current issue: mother-in-laws can be hard enough to deal with it seems, but it doesn't help when you have mental illnesses that inconvenience them and cause you to make more and more mistakes that may or may not affect them. Husbands too, but that's of course something else.

I'll call her 'mil' - short for mother-in-law, but mostly 'she'. As far as the situation between her and me, it's also worsened because of whatever conditions she has or may have..definitely some type of personality disorder or personality issues contributing to a bullying mentality, being judgmental, automatically thinking she's always right, always has to have the last word. Critical and verbally abusive, especially in calling others names. Insulting. Sometimes cruel. Has less than no patience much of the time, and especially for annoying, 'flaky' people and the situations they create. Holds grudges for years, often, imo, about relatively trivial crap. She's educated, but refers to mental professionals as shrinks. Too smart for her own good, for lack of a better phrase.

I met her when I was nine when she and her son moved onto our street. She was really charming much of the time..Introverted and social at the same time; often charismatic. We live in a medium large town in the eastern midwest. She is from here, but moved to a large city out west in the 60's. She loves 'the counterculture.'

So, she, and later her son, fascinated me. I was pretty lonely, and loved their what seemed to be so much knowledge about so many things. Off and on for years, when she wasn't too irritated with me, she actually seemed to enjoy talking to me. She has some of the best stories. But I've unfortunately chosen to confide in her pretty much up til about several years ago, but then as I realized the depth and increase in her dislike for me, I finally have gradually reduced that.

As her son became my boyfriend and we started spending a lot of time together, she told him she wanted me to not come over any more for awhile (she wanted a break from me.) I remember trying to talk to her a couple of weeks later when I saw her outside. She gave me 'the silent treatment' then and for awhile.

My husband has always done that some too. He has the sometimes-harsh treatment of people, or at least talking about them behind their backs like that, and some of that similar cruelty towards the kids and I, I guess partly because of living with her all his life. He was an only child and she was a single mother. They moved back here when he was 11.

But he has depression and ADD, along with the hoarding, and anxiety seems to contribute to some of his anger as well. When he's off his medicine, he gets so angry that he punches holes in walls, throws stuff, sometimes breaks things, curses at me and then does the silent treatment (well, that's even when he's on his meds). I hate that the most about him, when he does that. Eventually I began yelling and screaming a lot more, like he also does, and feeling a strong urge to throw and break things. Especially after I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Especially when I've even a little hypomanic.

The next most behavior I hate is when he's not on his meds, is physically restraining me or keeping me from going into another room or getting on our bed. And right now the beds are pretty much the only comfortable places to sit in our house. So yeah, he loses a lot of control of adhering to personal space boundaries when he gets like that.

But mil's done a lot for us. Especially since the girls were born. The older one (K.) is her favorite in many ways, and I don't think she could live without her. We let her stay with her half the week from the time she was about 7 months old until soon after my youngest (E.) was born, when K. was 3 1/2. I knew K. would have started asking why she had to be at her house all the time while E. was always here with us. So I ended it.

At the beginning though, of course I jumped at the chance at the time for me to have more time to sleep and do more of what I wanted and was compelled to do. It took a few years, but I realized that she didn't do it to help me; she just wanted and needed to be with K. So I guess I also gave her some of my power. I also lost a lot of special moments I'll never be able to get back.

She has annual festivals and things she pretty much always takes them to, which are pretty much really important to her, and thus she wants to and always has no matter what. She also has them both on Friday afternoons and evenings. It used to be and additional day of the week for K.

And after I happened to lose a form she gave me to fill out for a summer activity for E.(this past summer), she told me she wasn't paying for it after all, since she was trying to reduce stress in her life. I think that's why she isn't having them over as much either. She has a lot of energy, but is 73 now.

She also pays and has paid for a lot of stuff; years of dance lessons for K. (all her idea), K.'s 2 years of preschool and one year of kindergarten, given us various amounts of money, none of which we ever asked for, when she could tell we needed it especially to make up for stuff we had to pay for but didn't really have the money to. And large amounts for my husband's birthdays, and for Christmas for him and the girls. And many more things I can't remember.

So there's always this constant underlying, mostly unspoken tension between her and I. We both hold back from confronting each other as much as possible, but I think with her increasing age, she's losing the ability to do that. But she would have her little blowups/tantrums 'at' me every so often, and then would act like it never happened, so I went along with that, because I don't deal well with people even saying anything in anger to me.

---

OK, finally to the main stuff that happened the other night!!

She left with the girls this past weekend for a 4 day trip to a quaint historically significant "tourist attraction". Not to sound rude, but it's not the usual type of tourist attraction; it's more of a simple, quiet place where you can stay in restored old buildings.

They always go on this weekend every year because the place has their big fall festival that has lots of kids activities as well. K. has always enjoyed going, and this was E's first year going, and she really liked it too.

She always gives us either an exact time or time range in which she is ready to drop them off or for us to come pick them up. I guess this might be the norm for people with children; I don't know (probably is; not complaining though) but it's assumed that we have to be ready for any change in that time, because she's the one going to the trouble to take them somewhere. And it has changed before, even at the last minute, where we sometimes have to go pick them up instead. She told me they'd be back sometime close to; before or after, dark. She said she would be able to drop them off. She also hates cell phones with a passion, and of course refuses to get one or for us to give her one, because they are not as reliable as landlines.

You probably can tell where this is going, but of course I want to tell it bit by bit. I really have been trying to be kind of concise in everything I've typed. So then, 3 hours before they could be here at the earliest, my husband decides he needs to go to our other house and cut the grass and dry our laundry there. I asked him if he would probably be back in a couple of hours. He said probably, but maybe longer, depending on how much stuff he decided to do there. This house was our first one, but we had to leave pretty quickly for various reasons when K. was a baby. We've used it for storage, which I realized was a bad idea a year or so later, but it already was filled with a hoard anyhow. It's also in disrepair, so my husband is always working on it off and on. He refuses to sell it.

Looking back, of course I realize I should have told him when to be back no matter what. He should have thought of it as well. Only one of our cars is driveable, and I have a suspended license until I get a day and time assigned to go to traffic school and complete that. Yes, once again I put off looking at the mail to see when the original day was set for or that I needed to set it up first; I don't know. So then they suspended it because I went past the deadline. She knows about it; I had to tell her since up until then I have mostly been the one to be here when she picks them up and drops them off, and to go pick them when it was my turn.

So of course she calls maybe a half hour or hour after he left, and said they were exhausted, and asked if he could come get them. I told her everything about what my husband was doing and where she was, and we both thought he would probably be back in time, or that I would be able to reach him on his phone. I knew that wasn't always the case.

So I waited until about a little more than an hour later, after trying to call him repeatedly, and then called her and asked if she'd heard from him. She said no, and was starting to sound irritated. I told her I could try and call one of our old neighbors, or even run over there myself. It's about a twenty minute walk from where we live.

She then just said something about how she couldn't bring them because she didn't have her car and that she couldn't drive the one she had at night. Then she screamed, "Why can't I have a normal fucking family? You all just aren't living right." Then she hung up on me. She's done it before; my husband has done it many times. Of course my kids told me afterward that she was as mad and loud as she's ever been, talking about me and my suspended license and other stuff, but mostly about me. K. has also told me about her saying the not living right thing stuff before, from a few years ago.

I got hold of my husband soon after, and he said that he hadn't even felt his phone vibrate and that he'd been of course running the lawnmower, working on the roof some, and waiting for the laundry to dry, but would go get them.

She wasn't out there when he did. She's done that to me too, also when she's been angry with K. about something. We did always tell her to just call us when she got overwhelmed after that happened once. Sometimes she still didn't.

I was upset and angry also. It took me a couple of days to calm down. I couldn't sleep well that night, worrying about it. It kept going through my head constantly. At first I felt very confrontational, even though I knew that would just make things worse. I'm just so tired of being walked all over. Yes, by my husband and her, but of course there are a lot of different issues there. I called my dad and a friend and talked to then about it. I've been writing this off and on all week.

I now think that she tried to hold it all in like she always does, at first, but this time she couldn't, because of how physically bad she felt and whatever else, and was just so exasperated. That's understandable. I know I can't expect people who have to deal with us all the time and know what the house looks like to not get frustrated and say things in anger sometimes. And then there's her age again.

No, my husband has never been much help, because he knows we can't make her stop doing anything; that she's not going to listen to us, and not going to change. We've both known all the stuff we've done wrong that she's held against us. So he didn't say much except for being irritated and cutting me off about what she said; saying he already remembered me telling him she said that last part before. I'd forgotten; I forget so much of all kinds of things.

I know many of you will say we should have gotten divorced long ago. We almost did, lots of times. But there are many reasons why we don't want to, and why neither of us could do it now. Of course there have been and still are so many good things about him, between us.

But I've seen them in arguments, etc. before a couple of times ever since we were teenagers, pretty much always because she started talking some kind of shit to him. So I'm now leaning towards the acting like she didn't say anything choice for when I have to talk to her again tomorrow (Friday). I haven't had to see her since that Sunday night. She usually gets the kids after E. gets off the bus those afternoons. Then, unless we've already talked about it, I have to see when she says she wants him to come get them. I could tell the kids to have her call my husband later; I've done that before, but ahead of time, when I felt like it was a situation where I'd rather him deal with her, but not at the last minute.

I want to go out there after E. gets here, so I don't look even more weak. Then again, sometimes K. will go out first, since she gets home an hour earlier, and then she can just come back in and tell me the time. Or she might choose to call him.

If she says or seems like I need to say something new, I guess I'll tell her me and her can just adjust things somehow to where this could be more likely to be prevented in the future..she always does tell us however she wants this or that too, now that I think of it.

So I guess mostly you all will just be able to comment on this. If you want of course. But I doubt things will go any differently than they're going to. Thanks for listening to me about this large section of my life. That's partly why it took so long.

Submitted September 28, 2017 at 11:21PM by liesl72 http://ift.tt/2wnbnXW bipolar

Millennials and Bipolar Disorder - Why so High and so Low? bipolar

By James D. Okun, M.D. - August 1, 2017

There has been a startling rise in the incidence of what is known as “Bipolar Disorder” (formerly known as manic/depression) in Millennials. The search is on for the probable causes and best ways to prevent and effectively treat this crushing and debilitating condition. The question arises whether unbearably elevated levels of emotional and financial stress and social conditions beyond their control could be causing this condition characterized by wildly fluctuating emotions that many sufferers describe as “being on an emotional rollercoaster.”

According to a new study through Bank of America/Merrill Lynch Workplace Benefits discussed in an article in Time Magazine (amp.timeinc.net June 1, 2017) 67% of millennials report being under financial stress which is twice the rate of 32% reported for “Baby Boomers” (“Boomers” are those born between 1946 and 1964). In addition, 68% of millennials in this study indicated that financial stress had a negative impact on their physical health as compared with similar reports by 51% of Boomers. It is certainly probable that this unbearable stress which is leading to physical illness is also causing mental instability and thus leading to the increased levels of Bipolar Disease.

Another study which backs up the Bank of America findings was conducted in 2016 by the New York City Controller’s Office (controller.nyc.gov April 16, 2016). This study found that millennials living in New York City earned an average of 20% less than previous generations and entered the work force facing the toughest economy since the Great Depression. Many with bachelor degrees were found to be underemployed and underpaid with young people in the 5 Boroughs of New York City tragically found to owe 14 billion dollars in student debt. Could the way millennials use their lack of earning power, their frustration at working in jobs they are over qualified for and their insurmountable debt and unaffordable housing costs to have a lack of hope and a rise in fear and anger be creating a mental disequilibrium that is causing a rise in mental health conditions of all types including Bipolar Disease? Could they be using what they see wrong in society to give themselves the right to separate themselves from the workforce and to feel alienated and disenfranchised?

Instead of simply castigating all those in the Millennial age group as “lazy,” “self-involved,” and “selfish,” it appears that a far more sensible approach would be to understand how difficult their lives are in the current economic environment and try to help ease their tensions and anxieties. This can be done by changing economic policies and increasing economic fairness while encouraging them to see all the deficiencies in society in a way that is for their integration, strength and mental health.

Bipolar Disease is widespread affecting approximately 5.7 million Americans and 29 million people worldwide. According to the National Institute of Mental Health there are four basic types of Bipolar Disease. In “Bipolar 1” the manic episodes last for at least 7 days with depressive symptoms lasting for 2 weeks. “Bipolar 2” is characterized by a pattern of depressive episodes and “hypomanic” but not “full blown” manic/depressive episodes. Type 3 is called “Cyclothymic Disorder” and is associated with numerous episodes of hypomanic symptoms and depressive symptoms lasting at least 2 years. Type 4 is more general and encompasses “Other Specified and Unspecified Bipolar and Related Disorders.”

Symptoms of a patient’s manic phase include: a feeling of elation, having lots of energy, increased activity, feeling “jumpy” or “wired”, insomnia, talking fast, drifting of thought, agitation, irritability, racing thoughts, feeling “invincible” and high-risk behavior such as spending a lot of money frivolously and engaging in “reckless” sexual behavior.

Symptoms of a depressive phase includes: feeling sad, “down” or empty, low energy, decreased activity, insomnia or sleeping too much, inability to enjoy anything, worry, problems concentrating, forgetfulness, eating too much or too little, fatigue and thoughts about death or suicide.

Demi Lovato Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder

How you see is how you feel. For example, it is useful to associate a well-known millennial who has had success in her life and who still experienced this increasing mental health problem. Could the cause be in how you see what is not yourself and what you do about it?

Popular American actress and singer Demi Lovato wound up in rehab in 2011 where she was diagnosed with Bipolar Disease. She described in an article in Women’s Health Magazine how she felt during one of her manic phases. She said she would stay up all night until five o’clock in the morning and write seven songs in one night. She described how she felt “invincible” and that her mind “would go all over the place.”

Demi’s descriptions of how she felt during her episodes turn out to be quite typical of other patients with her condition.

Another Type of Patient

As a third- year medical student at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in the Bronx, New York, one of my most interesting rotations was in Psychiatry at the Bronx State Mental Hospital.

One unforgettable patient unlike the successful or stressed out millennial was an African American male who we will call “Aubrey.” Aubrey had been admitted as an inpatient in a locked ward because his behavior had become outrageous and he was totally “out of control.”

Aubrey’s mood would wildly fluctuate from being extremely depressed to being wildly manic. In his depressed state, he had repeatedly tried to commit suicide and was a “danger to himself.” In his manic state, Aubrey would go on spending sprees that could last for weeks.

During one episode, Aubrey stole his sister’s credit cards and decided to go on a “spending spree.” When his sister returned home after several days away, she was astounded by what she found in the house. Aubrey had purchased six or seven washing machines, nine TVs, five or six refrigerators and several dish washers. In addition, he had bought a new car and had taken an expensive trip to Las Vegas to go gambling. He had piled up thousands of dollars in bills and expenses and felt horrible about doing this to his sister once his mood stabilized. This, of course, is an extreme case but represents the poor judgement of someone in a manic phase.

According to a new psychosomatic approach to mania as expressed by Eli Siegel in his major work “Self and World” we have two generalized impulses in us: one towards the broad and comprehensive; another towards the narrow and concentrated.” He goes on to define mania as “imagination fiercely narrowed is equivalent to mania.” It is certainly possible that if millennials were better able to like the way they see the world and people that they could better achieve a state of balance in their lives and “mental homeostasis.”

Treatments for Bipolar Disease traditionally include psychotherapy and drugs such as lithium and atypical anti-psychotics which help stabilize wild mood swings. It is also certain that achieving more fairness in employment, wages, student debt and housing could only help millennials be more balanced and less frantic about their futures. More research is needed to help understand how we can better balance the drives towards expansiveness and the drive toward a “diseased concentration” on ourselves which we all battle.

Submitted August 16, 2017 at 08:07AM by jojoland8 http://ift.tt/2wP0sH4 bipolar

Friend has manic episode (or is enlightened) - need opinions bipolar

Hi, (sorry no TL;DR, crosspost r/LSD (sorry for using the R-word in that other post))

I have to share the story of my friend who has some kind of problem. Something in his brain happened 2 weeks ago during his "carry around refrigerators for 2 weeks"-job. A doctor would say he has a manic episode and needs meds. A spiritual person would maybe say he is enlightened (like Bhudda or John Lennon).

Backstory:

He is 29, took LSD for the first and only time almost 6 month ago (100ug, trip went fine). He is some normal dude (student) with couple ticks (washing hands all the time etc.) and generally the calm kind of guy. Thinks a lot, is intelligent and very analytical and high sense of humor. He is also very spontanious (high ability for word plays and freestyle rap). And he was always sceptical (almost hostile) towards that whole spiritual/religios kind of stuff. He jobbed for 2 weeks at a trade fair where he had to carry around heavy stuff. High physical burden. Less sleep, lots strees, some alcohol/weed binges in the evenings. He got told that his uncle died while on the job but he still finished the job and went to the funeral afterwards.

So after the job and funeral of his uncle, he called me asking for a "talk" - he had great news for everybody. I want to keep this short because he talked like 8hours straight at our meeting (with me and 2 other friends) and many things didn't make sense. He felt like he got enlightened. He can think better, faster, etc. He can talk to everybody and can help everybody and knows exactly what to say to ppl to achieve whatever. Could make tons of money, has great plans, etc. Wants to marry his GF, all that "everything will be better now and not only for me, also for you"-blabla. No more hand washing tics, got better skin, better sex, more clarity, sleeps 3h a day and feels rested. He was like a new person.

I mean ... okay, something happened, he got insights, he will change, eat better, fuck better, stop giving fucks what other people think. All good why not.

But: In his view, he can talk and communicate very well with everybody. He can solve social problems and bring people together. Had "good" conversations with his family ("we spoke everything out, it was verbally very loud and brutal but in the end it was good!"). And that he came much closer with his gf (they had problems in the past and decided to "go slow" with the relationship) and wants to merry her now.

I talked to his brother the day after and he had a quite different view of his new "social skills". The family conversations weren't good but very destructive. His GF feels frightened and would break up the relationship when he would suprise her with a ring (glad nobody told her yet). But there were also "good" changes, why not. But the perception is way off in regards of relationships. And he has the fear that he can crash really really hard, once "reality" reaches him again or he fucks up everything with his chatter.

Today he volunteered to see a doc and got commited into a mental hospital because he wants to get checked up. He wants to find out what's going on with him and wants to stay there for a while.

Like I said in the intro, his symptoms are almost 1:1 with Mania but also with "being enlightened". I know many of you will call 100% BS on that spiritual approach and that's ok.

But I would still like to know what you think about this. Can LSD trigger something after 6 months? He was under heavy mental and physical stress on his job, less sleep, etc. Is he sick? Is he ok? What's goin on? What's gonna happen? How should I approach him?

I am a bit spiritual person (but still sceptic) and can kinda "understand" him. I felt a bit like him when I was on LSD. You reach another level of consciousness where you can pick up new ideas and "bring them back" to reality and hopefully still understand what those mean. Some stuff is BS but other ideas can be very worthy and meaningful. You want this and that and change and 1 week later, you still hang around reddit and play videogames all day :D. But his condition appeared without being on LSD and did not go away.

Like ... if he would use this energy smarter and slow down couple gears ... there would be no problem. But he goes kinda fullspeed and I am afraid of some kind of crash.

Thanks for your advice.

Submitted May 09, 2017 at 05:53AM by katentreter http://ift.tt/2pYhD7Q bipolar

Less-Stress Sunday bipolar

What is an easy 10 minute thing we can do to simplify our lives? For example, throw something away (like throw away clothes that don't fit). Another example: throw away old food in the refrigerator. Write a list of your priorities or goals. Do 10 minutes of exercise. Hygiene. Journaling. Drinking Water. Finances. Laundry. Have a conversation. Meditate. Anything that makes you feel more relaxed.

If you need inspiration, here's a link with more information:

http://ift.tt/1vNy7LO

Get something done you've been procrastinating about. After you're done, write how you simplified your life here.

Submitted December 19, 2016 at 12:06AM by niftyww http://ift.tt/2hfKbT9 bipolar

another bad day-week-month-year... bipolar

I am a former patient of CMH. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar 2, Anxiety, PTSD and am prone to self harm. I have a job, but my take home pay is less than $300 a week because I pay a lot of child support and have a long commute to work each day that costs me about $60 a week. I do not get medical insurance through work and buying Obamacare is too expensive, and even if I did have insurance I can't afford all the copays... I might qualify for Medicaid, but probably don't... I need help and I need it now... I have been off my meds for two years and the downward spiral is out of control. Even on a 'good' day my emotions are on 'simmer', all I think about is panic and suicide and self harm and how bad of a person I am... I hide from everyone and everything. I self medicate, I have chest pains and panic attacks and headaches... I keep razor blades in my purse as a way to ground myself, knowing that they are there allows me to breathe, knowing that if it gets to be too much (which it is...) I have them to use... To self harm and ease the pain for a little bit, or to end it for good. I'd rather have Xanax and someone I can call. But I fall through the cracks, I don't have insurance and I've been told over and over that I don't 'qualify' for real help... I've been hospitalized 4 times, I've attempted suicide multiple times (2 that would qualify as real attempts as I was found unresponsive from an OD once and blood loss once). But I have tried many more times, sometimes waking up before I'm found and other times making myself throw up. I don't want to die, I know this... I have man that loves me and I love him too much to put him through all of the pain again, and that makes me stop, makes me change my mind... But the pull to 'do it' is getting stronger than the pull of the good things... I can't afford to be hospitalized again, I can barely function enough to keep my job, I'm struggling to keep the lights on and food in the refrigerator. I will lose my job, I will lose my home, I could even lose the one person that gives me the reason to not kill myself. I've already lost my children and my family... I have no real friends and for as much as I love my man and I know he loves me, if I tell him how I feel, I'm afraid he'll run... He stood by me before and it nearly killed him, I can't put him through all of it again... Who wants to spend their life with someone so unstable, someone that can't control the demons in their head? Even 'falling through the cracks' in the mental health system hurts, makes me think I am meant to suffer. It is my punishment... My intellectual self knows this is not true, but my emotions, my screwed up brain chemistry, my anxiety, my sucking vortex of depression make me 'feel' that its all true... I'm tired of 'existing' - I get up, I shower (sometimes) - I drive to work - I go through my work day in 'zombie' mode - I drive home - I eat (sometimes) - I hide from my reality - I try to sleep - I do it all again the next day... I don't 'live', I am on autopilot... I want help, but I am so afraid of the fall out of getting the help I know I desperately need. I still haven't recovered from the fallout from last time... I can't lose my job, I can't lose my place to live, I can't lose the one person that still loves me... I have clients that are relying on me to get work done... But I'm tired, I'm beyond sad, I'm beyond scared... I need more than a handful of pills and seeing a therapist once a month... I need someone to be my advocate to get me help, to teach me to not be afraid and help myself. I need someone to save me from myself, save me from my demons... Is there someone there that can help me, that can promise me that they will fight for me so I can learn to fight for myself? That won't read to me from a script or dismiss me as being too much work... I'm drowning and tired and cold and scared... Someone that can keep me out of the 'cracks'? As I type this I can't breathe, my heart is racing, my chest is tightening, my head is pounding, and I'm dreaming of those damn razor blades easing the pain. The searing pain that runs like fire fire through my skin for a fleeting moment. That grounds me to the here and now, that tells me not to push harder... That's all the sanity I have left, just enough to not push too hard as I drag the razor blade over my skin. Enough to hurt, enough to bleed, enough to wound and to scar, but not enough to really make a difference. Not enough to put out that last ember of hope, that last spark of the person I used to be... The happy girl who had a vivid imagination and exceptional mind. The young woman with dreams of a great career and doing something amazing in this world... The mother that would do anything to keep her kids happy and safe. My insides are nothing but dark and emptiness and torment... I don't want to be this way, I want help, I want it to get fixed, I want it to get cut out of me or radiated or something. But I am so afraid of the fallout... I am trying to reach out for help, but am afraid that I'm going to end up in the psych ward again, being belittled by doctors for not taking my meds, for self harming, for self medicating, for not facing the realities of my world, only to be shoved out into the world with no job, no money, no home, no one to keep me from falling apart again... All I see is more devastation, more heartache for my man, my family, more people pulling away from me... More pain, more pills, more redtape... But I can't let my last paragraph in life be that I killed myself... I don't want to do it... I know better... But I don't know how to not let it consume me... Sometimes it's like being consumed by fire in the middle of a room full of people, but no one can see the flame but me, no one can hear me scream, no one is willing to help me... This is my state of mind, my daily struggle. But I am told I don't 'qualify'... I am so afraid... I don't know who is going to read this, if they can help, if they care about this woman they have never met... Or will this email just get sent on to someone else who can't or won't help me because of red tape or my lack of money or insurance? How would they handle this email if it was from their mother, or sister, or daughter or lover? Would they be outraged, would they fight tooth and nail to save her? How do I get help, how to I make all the pain stop, how to I keep the tattered remains of my life in one piece? I am so very afraid...

Submitted January 26, 2016 at 12:19AM by 3blueeggs http://ift.tt/1WKOdBV bipolar

Where do I go from here? bipolar

I've hit as close to rock bottom as I will consciously allow myself. I'm a mess, and a loser, and I'd be homeless if not for my SO.

And, I'll preface the rest of this by saying, I can't afford a doctor at the moment. I literally JUST lost my health insurance 4 days ago because I turned 26 ('Murica!), so I can't see any professional. I did apply for Medicaid, but we'll see if/when that goes through.

Anyway, I've mostly hit rock bottom, but I'm not in a position to really pull myself back up, which is making things so much worse. I've become exponentially depressed lately because I KNOW I've fucked up, and I KNOW how to fix it, but very little of that is obtainable right now.

-Work: I've been unemployed for 5 years. I'm about to apply to graduate school, chasing a degree for a career I only hope I'm stable enough to do.

The thing is, I could work, but I'd have to find a very particular job with a very particular job description. I physically cannot handle most of the stuff you find in a typical work place (of any sort; retail, office work, food service...), but I've been denied disability twice.

And I found a place that would work out for me, but I need a car, which I don't have. But I need to work in order to be able to buy a car. But I need a car to get to work. Fuck.

I do some freelancing, but I don't make much money at all. I could do more, but this depression is so crippling.

-Relationships: My SO has been mostly supportive. He doesn't totally understand bipolar, but he knows enough that we're not clashing.

Problem is, I need more from him. I've already asked so much of him, so I feel selfish asking for more, but I can literally list out the things that I need from him and BAM! my depression won't be as bad.

But those things are also things nobody should ask of their SO. Things like, "Stop enjoying this hobby," and, "Spend even more time with me, despite the fact that we live together." Okay, so most of the things I'd ask aren't so bad, but it's still stuff that would make you say, "Is this guy even good for you?"

And with my friends and family, there's no relationship to salvage. My friends have moved on with their lives, finding new groups of friends, getting married, having babies...I was (understandably) left behind.

My family? Yeah. There's no relationship to be had there. I'm close enough with my dad that he'll send me money when I need it (I hate borrowing money), and I'm living with my mom, but everyone (my siblings especially) see me as a failure. I'm human garbage and they just want me out of the house. One moved out, despite not being able to afford to, solely because she didn't want to see my unemployed fat ass anymore.

Debt: Oh, man. My debt. Since I've been unemployed for so long, and a college student, I've racked up $105k in debt in about 5 years. Yeah. My SO never made very much money, so we mostly survived on credit cards and residual financial aid. His debt is around $50k, so if we ever got married, I think we'd be living in a refrigerator box for a while.

UGH. There's so much more, but I've gotten myself all upset, so I'll spare you the entire sob story.

In the end, I need help, and I don't know where to go from here. Everything requires money, of which I have none. Is Canada nicer to poor people than America is?

Submitted October 05, 2015 at 11:57PM by ThinkCritically13 http://ift.tt/1LtDM40 bipolar

how i feel today, but can't tell anyone... bipolar

I am struggling every day to hang onto this thread of sanity that feels like it is going to break at any second. I am doing it without the aid of medication or therapy, and honestly I think I’m doing a hell of a job. I am tired, I am lonely, I want to wrap myself up in my blue blanket, lock myself in a closet, beat my head against the wall until I pass out and god willing, die. This is how I feel most days. Not because I don’t love you, not because I don’t love my children, not because I don’t love my family. Because I don’t love myself, I hate fighting this silent fight every day. This fight that doesn’t show itself on the outside, this fight that no matter how much the world at large is trying to comprehend, it still judges. People like me are perceived as weak, as morally corrupt, as ungrateful god-hating sinners. If I had cancer, or even AIDS I would be perceived as someone to pray for, someone to try to comfort. But no, I am seen as a worthless soul, someone not even worth pitying. It’s my fault that I’m this way, I haven’t found God, I don’t have a back bone, I don’t try hard enough. This is how people struggling with mental illness are perceived in our society. We are broken, but not worth fixing because we haven’t tried to fix ourselves. If I had cancer, no one would say I didn’t pray hard enough to be cured. No one would expect me to keep a smile on my face and not ask for help.
I want help, I am begging for help on the inside. But I fall in that gray area, I make too much to get help from the government, but not enough to help myself.
I feel like one of those plastic Meijer bags that skirt along the curb. I am here, I am going along, but I am not worth stopping to pick up, or even given a second thought.
I feel that I am out of options. I’m not even sure my mom would take me back, she’s bailed me out of messes so many times, and I know she’s tired of it. I know she’s struggling to keep herself afloat after losing my dad… It’s not fair to her to have to take back her grown child. I am a grown woman, I should be able to take care of myself, but I have come to realize that I can’t. It’s not even fair to you to have to take care of me. I don’t make enough money to even support myself, let alone my children. I feel like such a failure, such a waste of space, of love. I know that this is wrong, I know that it is selfish, I know that there are people that would miss me, but I can’t control it. I am tired of panicking over paying the bills, having the gas shut off, wondering if my cell phone is going to work the next time I pick it up. I am tired of worrying about getting pulled over and taken to jail for that unpaid ticket. I want my car back, I want the gas on, I want more than three edible things in the refrigerator at any given time. I want to see my mom, I want to see my kids, I want to go on a vacation, I want to be able to buy some clothes and get a haircut. I want to buy a simple white dress and marry you on the beach…
I have a will to live, but I don’t know how to get there, how to claw my way out of this pit of despair, this place inside my head that tells me to give up, to kill myself, that I am not worthy of love. Yours, my children’s, my family’s, not even God’s and certainly not my own. I want a normal life back. But I look at myself and see no way out, no way back to normalcy. This is how it is, this is the bed I have made for myself. I want to crawl into it and float away and never come back. You can bury me or scatter me to the wind, I don’t care. I just want everyone to forgive me and forget me. Or at least forget the me now, and remember the me that I was before. Remember the me that loved her children and laughed and danced and had a joy for life that didn’t stop. Not this me, not this tired, miserable, scared abandoned me. I want people to remember the me that smiled, that wasn’t afraid of her own shadow, that didn’t try to escape into a drug induced facsimile of a happy heart. And I don’t want to be locked up in a padded cell for the rest of my life either, that’s no way to live. I don’t want to be visited by my children and they see this wreck of a person, this husk of a woman that used to be their mother. I don’t want them to remember me that way. I don’t want anyone to cry over me, I’m not worth the tears.
Yes, I think about it. Yes, I think about it all the time, multiple times a day, EVERY DAMN DAY… I actually dream about it at night, of floating off into nothingness. No sadness, no self-pity, no misery, no loneliness, no one judging me, just gone into nothingness. Just gone into the blackness and numbness of not having to feel this way anymore. To just be deleted from this existence that is worthless. I try to actively will my heart to stop beating, beg my body to give up.
Everyone can live without me, but I can’t live trapped inside this thing that has become me. Where my soul once was is the gapping sucking black hole of nothingness. No happiness, no desire to be, nothing.
My heart has these glimmers of hope, of loving you, of laughing with my kids, of hugging my mom. But those things seem so far and few between that the glimmers get fainter and fainter. More often than not I think everyone would be better off without me. This is how I feel on the inside, I know that it’s wrong, I do, but it’s like this never ending tape in my head. Sometimes I wish it were voices, voices that aren’t my own. Then they would give me meds to make the voices go away, to numb the pain that is living inside this broken mind of mine. But it’s my voice telling me these things, it’s snippets of memories of being abused, being beaten and left for dead, being told I’m worthless, told I’m a bad girl, being rejected, these things race through my mind all the time. They paralyze me, they make me want to escape, escape into food or drink or drugs or sex or pain or even the finality of death. The one thing you can’t escape from is yourself, and I am trapped and tortured and I’m going mad. I’ve been here before, I know how it feels and it’s happening again. It’s pulling me under and this time I don’t know if I have the strength to try to swim up again.
Maybe I’ll go to heaven, maybe I’ll be whole there again. Maybe I’ll get to sit with my dad and feel like a whole person again. Feel like my life wasn’t the waste it feels like now… But then again I worry that I’ll get there and he’ll be disappointed in me because I failed again. This is the shit my head swirls around day and night when I get bad. This is all I can think about…
I love you more than I can even describe. The reason I am not already dead is because the fact that you love me reminds me that it might all be okay. That I might be worth loving. I question how someone can love me when I loathe myself, but somehow you do. I don’t know why, I know I can be awfully hard to love sometimes, and that I can be a bitch when I’m tired and sad and not getting my way. But I love you, and even though God and I don’t talk much, I do thank him for you every day. I thank him for finally allowing me the luxury of being loved by someone because they choose to. But maybe you feel trapped because you can’t dump a crazy girl, it would be mean and against that glimmer of right that your parents instilled in you. See where my head goes? I was taught as a child that God loves me no matter what, even when I sin, even when I’m a bad girl, that he will forgive me, but how? How can he forgive me for all the bad things I have done? My sisters have given up on me, my kids don’t know what to make of me. My mom says she loves me, but I know deep down she’s just disappointed in me. To her I am a failure because I didn’t take all the opportunity she handed me and run with it… I should be working for a big firm as a senior project manager making $70K plus, raising my kids and having a vibrant life. Instead I’m on the verge of suicide everyday, I can’t keep my gas on, and I hide from everyone and everything. I am so far in debt I will never get out of it, unless I win the lottery.
I am sure that this letter has freaked you out and I am sorry. This is why I hide how I feel, why I clam up, why I keep the negative thoughts to myself. This is a glimpse of what it’s like inside my head, what it’s like to feel that I have a broken empty soul. That no matter what the positives in my life are, somehow the negative win. Please don’t freak out, please don’t commit me, just hold me in your arms and reassure me that it won’t last forever and that it might not be easy but it will work out.

Submitted May 16, 2015 at 01:42AM by 3blueeggs http://ift.tt/1KbaJjS bipolar

Need advice for/with diagnosis bipolar

So my therapist and I have been thinking about the fact that I could be Bipolar.

(Optional Read) A list of my current diagnosis's Agrophobia, Social Phobia, ADHD, dysthemia, depression, general anxiety, PTSD

Medications I've tried and didn't work: Webultrin XL, Effexor, Fluoxetine (Prozac), Atarax, Ambien, Sonata, trazadone, benedryl. Most of these had the side of effect of making twice as irritable and hostile. I even tried to kill my dog, and my fiance while on Effexor. Atarax makes me twice as anxious and the sleep meds just made me groggy and not fall asleep.

What I am on right now: Adderall XR 20mg, Lunesta 2mg (PRN)

(Main Post) Sorry about the above but because it's my first time posting I figured you might need a little medical background, maybe.

So I see my Psych MD at my local Mental Health Dept. tomorrow, but I don't know what to tell her. It's like the minute I sit in that chair and they start doing the DSM thing and asking me for examples I freeze up.

I started writing things down (I was given a handbook ob bipolar and the criteria by my therapist) in regards to points in the book but there are so many things that even with a web search I don't understand what it means.

So I'm going to ask you guys for a little help so I know if I experience this or not here is goes.

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  Pressured Speech - Making grandiose gestures or wordplay: singing. My example would be that I cannot for the life of me talk without using my hands. Like hands all over the place making big gestures, and I sing stupid songs all the time. I can literally look at anything in a room and just make a song and sing it as loud and annoying as humanly possible to purposely annoy people, or (which happens more often) I have to or I am anxious, if get extremely anxious if I don't do that hands thing as well.

  
  


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  Being prone to monologues outside awareness <- what the hell does that even mean? I have a constant inner monologue that I can't stop and it literally disrupts what I am doing. If I inner monologue while driving I forget I am in the car and have almost gotten into accidents because of "daydreaming" which is what is basically is for me.

  
  


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  Risky behavior - okay I don't do drugs or have promiscuous sex because I am in a relationship, and I have social anxiety and that goes outside my comfort zone, but I know for a fact (because I haven't always had SA) that I would cheat on my fiance, I think about it all the time. I have smoked pot behind his back, and he is so against that, but it was once and I had a panic attack thinking he would leave me, so I never did it again. I do often spend tons of money. I dropped $1000+ on comics in September. Best part I didn't have $1000 to spend. I maxed out my credit card. I do speed when I drive, a lot, I've never ever been pulled over and I often have a feeling of invincibility (i.e. I'll never get caught speeding). Any time I drink alcohol I over drink, and get so drunk its hard to tell if I should be taken to the hospital for alcohol poisoning or if I am not as drunk as I think I am, I force myself to throw up so I'm not drunk anymore (which actually doesn't work, that all in my head).

  
  


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  Behavioral symptoms - changing appearance, dress, makeup to appear more attractive/flamboyant - I don't think I consciously do this to be more attractive, but I literally scrapped my whole wardrobe two years ago to be Sweet Lolita, then again to be "normal", then again in September to wear all Deadpool stuff. Like I literally have 13 DP tee's that I have an order to wearing so I wear them all for an equal time. My new thing is that I absolutely need to get my hair cut and colored, I'm having anxiety because it's been almost a year since I change my physical appearance and not just my clothes. I also need a tattoo. I'm having anxiety because I don't have these things, I need to do these things NOW, not later, not a week from now, not a month from now, NOW. I don't have the money but I'm going to spend it anyways so, yeah...

  
  

Last one I swear.

• Congitive Symptoms - altered perceptions of smell, hearing, and vision - I often don't hear people correctly, I'd say at least 1/3 of the time, I'll be like "What, the refrigerator is bouncing on a trampoline, that doesn't make sense." - "That isn't even close to what I said, where you even listening?" I genuinely think that is what they said, like all the time, every single day, this happens at least once to 10 times. I don't know if this is part of the distractability or not.

So I'm not trying to self diagnose, I wanted to repeat that just in case. I just really want to make sure I understand these things before I go into see my MD and shes like no this is what that is, do you have an example, and me being like "Er Duh, nope!" cause if someone asks me something on the spot its like my brain fly's out the window. So I'd rather be prepared with examples and her say no that doesn't really fit, then not have an example at all and her have nothing to go on besides me saying Yes I do that, but I can't tell you an example or how often. Because anyone can say yeah I do that.

Even without these few points I (too me and my fiance) fit most the criteria. More than enough already to be diagnosed, but I want to make sure I understand everything fully before I go into the office blind.

So any corrections or help is fully appreciated :) If BP gets ruled out we will be looking into more severe depressive mood disorders to this is more of a rule out stage.

Submitted March 09, 2015 at 12:09AM by Eris_Grun http://ift.tt/192L6lI bipolar

Loving my life (today)/ My hypomanic little story. bipolar

Feeling hypo and want to talk to everybody and do everything! I love this part. I was productive at work yesterday, planned all my meals for the week and created a shopping list, made dinner for my family, bathed and put my son to bed with 100% patience (he's at the rebellious-at-bedtime phase) by 8pm, then went to visit my mom, went to the gym, went to the grocery store, came home and reorganized the refrigerator and cleaned it and put the groceries away, half prepped dinner for tonight, showered, put my clothes and jewelry together for today, packed a lunch, then made myself go to bed at midnight. Got up on time this morning, got my son all ready, actually made a real breakfast and made it to work 10 minutes to spare and looking half way decent in appearance. Super on top of work things so far today, and supporting my reddit peeps now on my morning break. After work I'm going to the gym again and have dinner already planned, prepped, and waiting to be cooked. Please no negative "be careful of the downswing" posts. I know it's eventually coming but I'm just enjoying the current productivity and energy I'm having. I'm not saying don't comment!!! Please do! But be positive please. I want to keep positive and "type-A normal" as long as possible. There has to be a way to keep my mood happy. I'm happy with my meds, but I'm more controlled versus cured lol. Currently on 400mg lamictal, 10mg focalin (adhd), 1mg klonipin as needed for agitation, 5mg of abilify (anti- psychotic for hallucinations) , 30 mg of norco( 7.5 four times a day) for sciatica.

Submitted January 06, 2015 at 08:27PM by jessacabre http://ift.tt/1IkX5VY bipolar

The illness that tricks you into thinking you are not experiencing it bipolar

There are some days that are really bad. I'll say to myself, "why do I have to be this way? Why can't I be normal?" But then there are days where I think "I'm don't have mental illness? I feel fine today. I should stop thinking or saying I have a mental illness and stop using it as an excuse. I'm feel normal today."

But I was thinking about it and I'm really not fine. I think I've just become used to feeling this way. My symptoms become background noise, like a refrigerator hum. You forget that it's there. I tell myself, man up you are just fine, quit pretending you are mentally ill. Except I'm not pretending. I struggle to do basic things. Someone who has only lived in the dark, thinks that if it's dark all the time, that is par for the coarse.

"Today was fine. I shouldn't claim to be so mentally ill if I feel fine." Then, upon further reflection, I remember I though about suicide a good amount that day. (I'm not suicidal)

I'm so used to my shadows on the cave wall I've forgotten they are there.

Submitted November 09, 2014 at 02:42AM by Sheepsaysmoo http://ift.tt/1uNLZaY bipolar