Long time lurker, here. I don't know where to start.
I grew up with a physically and emotionally abusive dad. We barely speak, and I am happy with him bounded outside the peripheral of my life. I confided in a skilled counselor years ago, and my life is on a much better path these days.
Wife grew up with an emotionally abusive mother, but I don't think she realizes the extent of it. She loves her mother, and is deathly afraid of hurting her. Her dad is an excellent person, but he will Keep The Peace At All Costs.
One morning, when Wife and I were visiting her parents, we agreed that I should go to a coffee shop to work on some business. A short time later, Wife is suddenly pressuring me to eat breakfast before I go. My senses tingled; something was up. I was committed to doing work, so I stayed my decision. I walked into the kitchen, ready to say goodbye, and NMIL made a friendly offer "Morning, I made biscuits!" They looked great, but I lost my appetite just moments earlier. "Aaah, no thanks, I'm going to.." She interrupted. "Well WHY." Her eyebrows were drawn in, and her head shook with anger. My desire for real coffee and food instead of canned biscuits and keurig went right over her head. This one moment captures the poverty of a relationship with this woman. It is impossible to reason with her. i I'll tell one more story, just to drive it home. NMIL's mother was very ill with pneumonia, and we all went to see her, expecting the worst. The Hospital was too expensive, but hospice was a more affordable treatment at $5k per month. FiL explained this and how Grandmother's house would need to be sold quickly. "And that's MIIINNE and [Uncle's] inheritance!" She said this in front of my wife, who is destroyed about losing her grandmother. Grandmother passed away 12 hours later.
Ok, One more. MIL's remark on Christmas night needs no preface at all:
"WHEEEENNN do we EVER put the GREEN BEANS and HAM BACK into the REFRIGERATOR after DINNER? WHEN - HAVE - WE - E-VER - DONE - THAT?"
Naturally, having lived with this woman for 20+ years, Wife is having a hard time, and our marriage orbits around the influence of MIL. Our relationship has gotten worse, and I don't know what to do. I'm at my wit's end. I pulled, pushed, encouraged, and fought for our relationship, and I am losing. I lost myself, my passion, my hobbies, everything. All of my effort revolves around this stupid narcissistic shit. I don't have anything negative to say about Wife, except that she has basically no confidence at this point, and it doesn't matter what positive things I say to her. I'm convinced I could devote my whole life to this cause, and she would still refuse to believe in herself.
I read this whole thing to Wife, and told her I'd like to share it with people that could offer some insight. She approved. She has a hard time removing herself from her mom's influence. For most of our marriage, she has protected her mom during our conversations by escaping and distraction. To say we're dealing with fleas is an understatement. She recently admitted that she needs to quit caring so much about her mom's opinion. Wife is a fixer, she will blame and stretch herself over every problem she perceives. Her mom made her responsible for every "problem" growing up. To this day, there is no concept of boundaries or privacy in their home.
There are no good words to accurately describe this situation. It's the worst I've ever experienced. I could write tons more, but I'll refrain. Somebody please tell me the end is over the next hill.
Submitted February 02, 2015 at 08:31AM by fleadtodeath http://ift.tt/1yrRto5 raisedbynarcissists
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