I dropped out of college due to alcoholism. Lost my fiance (breakup, not dead). Moved back in with my mother several states away where I don't have friends.
I quit smoking and drinking, but that still felt like I was just fixing broken things, not moving forward. It felt like I was getting back to a holding pattern.
I made a profile on a dating site on a whim. Nothing much happened for a while.
Long story short, I spent most of yesterday with a wonderful woman. We were both incredibly nervous, not knowing what we were "supposed to do." The nervousness didn't wear off, it just started being part of the fun. You're not supposed to be completely comfortable with someone new after all. We got Pho, decided neither of us liked it, wandered around an Asian grocery store for an hour (she's super into Japanese culture, and taught me quite a bit), and then went back to her place to put the stuff that needed to be, in the refrigerator.
Now, I now what you're thinking, but no. We sat in her room listening to music and talking about books. I've never really felt so at ease with lapses in conversation before. A silence was just that, not an awkward pause, just a silence. She showed me her cats and we talked about how much we both like talking about specific interests (I love geography and history and I guess very "western" concepts, she loves computer science and Japanese and very "eastern" concepts.)
I had been rejected by the person I was sure I would spend the rest of my life with and felt very vulnerable. From what I could gather, her family was less than pleased with the fact she considered herself a woman and was transitioning, so I assumed dating was a difficult idea. It was just so wonderful sitting with someone real. When so much of me was changing and in flux, sharing some time with someone with very different experiences but a similar outlook when it came to being able to express our thoughts on the world.
Vulnerability is a weird thing. I'm an Eagle Scout and the son of a marine. Only son of my siblings and I'm quite tall and broad shouldered. It's hard to be hurt with no realistic expectation of this being what heals it. Yesterday I learned to kind of like it, though.
Anyway, I decided to leave when I felt I wanted to just think about it all, and digest what had happened. I gave her a hug and we agreed we both wanted to see each other again.
It isn't a happy feeling for me. It's more like when you put a hot pack on a really sore muscle from hiking or exercise or something. It's not pain or pleasure, it's a soothing acknowledgement, a facing of pain rather than trying to forget it. Quitting drinking gave me a new outlook on myself, and I think this did when it comes to how I interact with other people. You can't control pain, loneliness, addictions, cravings, etc. You can control you, though, you choose how you respond to it all.
Yesterday I chose to spend the whole day with someone cool, and that choice is a good feeling. I also got registered for classes at a nearby college to get back towards my bachelor's. I'm still broken, still rejected, still an alcoholic, but I'm doing things that feel right, instead of just feeling good.
Submitted February 01, 2015 at 01:41AM by Racecar_Kittycat http://ift.tt/1Lwffs4 goodfeelings
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