I understand that I am not entitled to anyone's attraction or affection. I know my feelings are my responsibility and I cannot control who rejects those feelings. The problem was the WAY he rejected me and how he acted afterwards. He led me on, then when I confessed to him how I felt, he mumbled something rude under his breath and has continued to be rude ever since, as if I wronged him for LIKING him. As if my feelings were offensive to him.
So now I make him uncomfortable at work everytime I see him. Today, I splashed water on his shoes and shirt, barricaded him twice with a refrigerator door (once with a cart), put away equipment I knew he needed, purposely bumped into him, worked slowly to slow him down, offer other co-workers treats in front of him, etc. etc. I did a lot to make sure he got the message and I don't care. I know I sound like a crazy, petty bitch (and it sounds like it was probably a good thing that he rejected me, considering how I am behaving now).
I plan to behave in a similar fashion the next time we work together. Unfortunately for him, it will just be him and I this time. No other co-workers around. If he doesn't change his shift to avoid me, he's either really dumb or really brave...or maybe...though not likely...he feels guilty for treating me like shit after confessing my feelings and is only putting up with my BS out of guilt.
I know I sound vengeful and immature, but disrespecting him so openly (yet subtly) at work is really therapeutic for me. I know what I'm doing is wrong. If the roles were reversed I would feel awful. However, I would never reject someone the way he did, so a role-reversal in this case would not be possible.
Why am I acting this way? Whenever I have a crush on a guy, I feel like I'm giving up a piece of my agency to him. The way I dress, the make-up I wear and how I behave are all unintentionally influenced by affection for him. It's like being under a spell; I don't feel like myself whenever I fall for a guy. I fall hard, easily. And no, this spell is not an obsession. It's more like putting a guy on a pedestal who doesn't deserve to be there. Mistreating the guy after he rejected me the way he did makes me feel like I'm regaining my power. The spell has been broken and I'm fighting to keep it off. I am kicking him off the pedestal I put him on and I feel great. Too bad he's the that has to take the fall. That pedestal was built fairly high up.
I know I'm wrong, but I need this. I wish I could take the high road but I can't and I probably won't. The only good thing for him is that he is moving away soon.
Submitted July 16, 2017 at 12:45PM by RaRaOwl http://ift.tt/2tfhHmT confession
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